Savings Wane. Freeloader, friend, not paying rent!

Dear AL:
So for the past month or so I've been "renting" a room with a friend. At first I was supposed to pay the rent for 2 weeks while she found a job or got family to pay... But now it has been 5 weeks and she has not paid! On Monday I told her to give me either her half of the rent by today (Thursday) or she would have to move out by this coming Monday. Her reply was "okay." since then she has been getting home like at 4am when I am obviously asleep since I work in the mornings and she doesn't wake up till way after I am gone. I have a feeling that she is planning on not paying this week. Can I really kick her out? I am the only person with a contract with the land lady... Do you think that I can ask her for her keys and move her stuff to the hallway if she doesn't pay? I am saddened because we used to be good friends but my savings are almost gone... Please give me advice on what to do...
-- Noret, the city that never sleeps

Dear Noret:
Kick the bitch out! This freeloader is no friend if she's treating you like Ugly Betty. As soon as she steps out, move her stuff into the hall, and give her a call. Better she finds out right away that you kicked her out to avoid a raving bitch banging on your door at 4am. Before the call, try to have a friend over for support, but avoid physical or verbal confrontation with the leech. Last thing you need is her suing you because your friend gave her a knuckle sandwich. She'll have plenty of money then.

If she doesn't give you the keys, call in sick the next day, and have the land lady change the locks. Explain to her that you lost your spare, and that you just recieved three disturbing phone calls of heavy breathing 20 minutes apart. You have to lay it on thick if you don't want that bitch screwing with your stuff while you're at work. I know it's not easy since she use to be a friend, but it has to be done. She's taking you for a sucker!

Anyway, even if she was to find a job, there's a chance she wont pay what she owes since she was able to get away with not paying in the past. She'll probably come up with reasons not to pay her share, or pay enough, stating she needs it for a car, pay off credit card debt, plane ticket to visit her parents, ect... Fuck that! Follow what I stated above, and kick her ass out!

Kw's: diminishing nest egg, losing reserves, taken advantaged of, deceived, swindled, duped, fooled, pushover (Just trying to motivate you. Don't be a sap!)

Boyfriend thinks my vagina is too hairy!

Dear AL:
My boyfriend just hurt my feelings. For the past month I've noticed he was less interested in sex, so I confronted him about it today. He told me my vagina is too hairy, but no one ever complained about this before. He recommended that I shave, but I don't want to look like a little girl. I'm thinking about breaking up with him because he said it looks gross, but I don't want to play the dating game again.

AL, I really need your help. I've read some of your previous responses to other writers, so I know what to expect from your advice. Let me have it!
-- Pat, Virginia

Dear Pat:
You bet your hairy ass I'll let you have it!

Look, if your nether regions is styling a fro, drop the pick and trim it. Same for your man if he wants to get laid.

Shaving your vagina... well, that style is in. It's not seen as a little girl, but neat and clean. Notice the next time you go swimming how most females are stream lined between their legs. It's rare you'll find someone under 40 styling a brillo pad down there.

eHow.com - How to shave Pubic Hair (Complete Instructions)

You can just trim and skip the razor all together if you're uncomfortable, this way he wont feel like he's dating Ron Jeremy. Hopefully you're not!

Kw's: Jheri Curl, moptop, beehive, mullet, pubic hair

Parents complain about my boyfriend. Running away!

Dear AL:
I'm so sick of my parents telling me what to do or complaining about what I do. Sit up straight... Don't wear that... You're on the internet too much... What's with you and your cell phone?... I can just scream!

They're now complaining about my boyfriend because he dropped out of school and doesn't have a job. My parents seem to forget that Dad was like that from what they told me, and he turned out great. What makes them think they're better than my boyfriend?

Me and my boyfriend are thinking about running away. We're only 16, but we're strong and in love. Any advice will be greatly appreciated since we'll be on our own.
--Tracy in hell

Dear Tracy:
The only advice I can give you is to stay home. You have two more years until you graduate High School, don't throw that away. During this time until you graduate you can carefully plan your great escape. Go to college. Join the Peace Corps. Move into your boyfriend's box. What ever!

Your parents are doing what all parents do. Parenting. And you know what, millions of teenagers have survived this. Your parents already experienced what your boyfriend will experience for being a dropout, so of course they're concerned that you're interested in him. I would be too if you was my daughter.

If your boyfriend is so strong, why couldn't he finish High School? I can understand if he has a learning disability, but if he has problems at home, then he needs to seek help from a school counselor.

Stay strong. Don't run away. I'm sure you've heard this before, but one day you'll be a parent. Hopefully not pushing your kid around in a box.

My gay mom wont accept my gay marriage

Dear AL:
My mom is gay, has a girlfriend, but told me to divorce my gay partner I married in California before the Prop. 8 ban. She says it violates the sanctity of marriage between a man and woman for procreation. Wants me to marry a man. She's very religious, and keeps her homosexuality under wraps.

Now I don't care how she runs her life. How can I get her to accept mines?
-- Upset in California

Dear Upset:
Your mom is living a lie, and until she accepts who she is, she will not accept your marriage, even if you were to get artificially inseminated by David Hasselhoff. Ew...

Go on with your life, and don't count on your mom to come around in the near future, that's unless her double life is discovered. But more than likely she'll repent like Ted Haggard... become cured *cough*, but remain a heterosexual with issues. :-P

Think of your girl.

Kw's: proposition 8, closet, religious fanatic, position

I'm hung like a horse, but girls run away!

Dear AL:
I am hung like a horse, but when the girls see it, they run away. What do I do?
--Hung, Florida

Yo Hung:
Wait for Mrs. Right. A girl who believes you wont pound her to death like a dumbass, but take it slow with lots of foreplay, using tons of lubricant. If a woman can give birth to a baby, then your size shouldn't be a problem.

Tell her you're in no rush... you're willing to wait until she's use to your size, that's if she's still in the room. I hope this helped!

Kw's: personal problem, micropenis, dreamer, delusional