How can I get her back?

Dear AL:
I'm living in hell. My girl broke up with me. We've been dating 4 months, but when I discovered her prosthetic toe when I jumped into the shower with her, she called it quits after smacking me a few times. She's the most sweetest person in the world, but reacted like that because how I reacted when I saw her toe on the soap dish. Just wish she told me.

We haven't been together long, but I love her very much. How can I get her back? I thank God everyday for meeting a girl like her!
-- Tony, Alaska

Dear Tony:
You should also thank God she didn't have a prosthetic leg, she would've killed you!

Declare your feelings for her by writing her a letter, then give her a day or two to contact you. If she doesn't, give her a call and tell her the same. She might need more time, so you have to be strong for the both of you. She probably was gona tell you at some point about her prosthetic, but now you know, and if you hang in there and don't give up, everything will be ok.

Melissa, I love you

Dear AL:
I don't know how I made it this past Christmas and New Years without the love of my life. She died of breast cancer two years ago. Your blog has always made me laugh, I just hope you don't mind posting this short message for her.

Melissa, I love you. You will always be in my heart. Can't wait for the day we're together again!

Love,
Mike - Oklahoma

It hurts like a bitch!

Dear AL:
I just came down with herpes on my lip. At first I thought I caught it from my newly wife, but she told me that the big bump on her lip is just a pimple. It took me a while to believe, but now I'm convinced she's telling the truth.

It hurts like a bitch! How long will I have this?
-- Josh, Iowa

Yo Josh:
Until death do you part!

I hope this helped!

My pet wouldn't perform on stage

Dear AL:
Tonight me and Jewel, my pet ferret, were invited on a talk show to show off his tricks, but he wouldn't come out of his carrier. When I tried to take him out, he bit me right on stage. I think he was scared of the crowd, but tomorrow night he's gona perform if he likes it or not. Any ideas how to calm his nerves? -- Petra, Germany

Dear Petra:
Imitate him.

Good luck!

You're all soft and sweet?

Hey Al,
looks like you've gotten a hell lotta nicer to people who're writing in! Come now, spill, who's the pretty gal who's gotten you all soft and sweet? -- Liza

Hey Liza,
My couch.

Just kidding! Serious!
Don't make me go all out AL on ya!

Incase you're wondering, that's not me above, but a photo submitted by Ginther to a flickr competition. Vote for him or may your next new year be like your last!