1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, several, 8

Hi AL:
I am a a thirty-fivish man who works in a small office. And even though I never went to college, I pride myself (non-annoyingly) on using words correctly. As I watch my culture crumble around me, I am particularly pained by the carelessness with which certain words are used. And this by so-called educated people. For example, people will say "I have a real dilemma here", but then they go on to describe a situation that does not have "two equally desirable options that are mutually exclusive". What they really find them selves in could be more properly described as a "pickle". But, as I say, I try not to be annoying about it. I just seethe silently, shaking my head at the general ignorance of people. I don't want to be going around wagging my finger at people like some kind of "word cop". I'm not perfect myself (as evidenced by the glaring grammatical errors in this very entry!) But today I find myself in a situation that (I feel) might call for some action. A superior of mine, today requested that I do something (it isn't important to describe what I do here) "several" times. Desiring more specificity (Hey, I'm not here for fun!) I requested that he tell me EXACTLY how many times he wanted me to do this thing. And he (with great frustration) replied "Why, SEVEN times!" I then realized that this man ( both my superior and a few years my elder ) has gotten to this stage in life thinking that "several" means "seven". I feel this is so egregious an error that he must be advised of it. I mean, this is a person on whom I am depending on for my bread and butter. What if he says this in front of a client? It's also undermining my respect for him, eating away at it like a cloud of termites. However, I feel that he will probably react with anger and shame if I bring it up. He's not the sort of person who takes criticism well. The whole thing will probably wind up biting me in the butt. In short, I find myself in a bit of a pickle. Should I say something? If so, how can I do it in a way that does not backfire?
-- blue lanugo, Pasadena CA
www.blue-lanugo.com

Yo Blue:
Personally, I would take this up with your boss before he makes a fool of himself, several times, but if he happens to also think "a few" means "three", kiss your job goodbye. Nobody critiques his vernacular!

When your boss states several to you in front of clients, you now know what he means, so don't worry about it. Take a deep breath, count to severalteen, and you'll be OK. Easy!

Excuse my gramma.

She cheated, but says I'm being unreasonable

Dear AL:
So I found out my wife was having an affair a couple of months ago and I really do not think she understands the impact this has had on me. She says she is sorry and she says she understands but here is a perfect example of why I don't feel she does. I have tried to explain to her how I feel but she says I am being unreasonable. One of us seems to be suffering from a little bit of cognitive dissonance but I am just not too sure if it is her or me.

We live in a pretty small town and about 10 minutes away is another town which is on the water and very popular, touristy, etc. We used to go there to take the dogs for walks in nice weather, for dinner every few months, in fact I proposed to her on the downtown docks on 4th of July about 5 years ago. Well I found out recently that she had been having an affair and it was with a police officer for that small city. She wants to go there for this years 4th of july and I explained to her that I was not necessarly comfortable with this because I do not want us to run into this person. The fact is I wouldn't even know if I were standing next to him and I am sure I would wonder if "that is the guy" with every police office I saw. She has lied to me telling me he no longer works there, which he does. She mentioned that she thinks it is a small chance of running into him, I disagree, it is the 4th of July so I am sure that all will be working. She threw at me that "this is where we got engaged, do you mean we can never go there again"

I don't think she understand how I feel about any of this, especially considering this is where we got engaged! She is making me feel like the bad guy and that I am being ridiculous. She was very upset with me when I tried to explain to her that "I didn't think I felt comfortable going downtown this 4th of July" or really any time for that matter right now.

Am I really being out of line here?
-- Hurt, US

Dear Hurt:
You're not out of line, your cheating wife is, and I hate to break this to ya, she'll probably cheat again, that's if she hasn't hooked up with that towns police force already. Noticed any cuff marks?

Look, who knows if she's still a ho. Just remember, she lied to ya, and doesn't seem to care about your feelings about her adultress past, just what she wants. Tell her again about how you feel, but if she keeps insisting on that town, take her up on it and see how many times her eyes wonder, like she's searching for a badge. If so, it's time to let her go. Don't waste another 5 years of your life with a girl who's interested in someone else. You can do better!

Relationship counseling has been successful in cases of marital infidelity. Bring this up and see if she would like to try it, but if she loses her mind, move on! It will hurt, but not as bad if she brings home Herpes.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Shesh ist goot, nart Scheiße.

Dear AL:
mei dortta wuans becom singa. sow I helf wef her englisch ba shesh nart shor redy sing shwo ordishon. shesh sagen shesh dars nart no goot song oder shesh goot. shesh ist goot, nart Scheiße für TV. Plies helf.
-- Olga, Germany

Dear Olga:
If your daughter's English is as good as yours, tell her to sing "Ken Lee".

I hope this helped!

They're gonna let me go!

Dear AL:
Since I answered a company questionnaire about the everyday problems of working parents, higher up has been giving me the cold shoulder. Everyday the workload has been getting less and less to the point I have to look for it. My supervisor told me I'm slacking yesterday, the very same man who's been holding work from me the last two weeks stating he's trying to help. And today I found out they're gonna let me go! They set me up!

I've gave this company 200%. Is there anything I can do at this stage?
-- Abby, New York

Dear Abby:
Contact the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in your area and file charges. Since this company paid you for nothing, they might as well pay you millions while you're kicked back sunbathing behind your new summer home. Maybe that was their plan all along. What a company!

To help you along, I provided below the contact information for the EEOC New York district office. I hope this helped!

33 Whitehall Street
New York, New York 10004

Phone: 1-800-669-4000
Fax: 212-336-3790
TTY: 1-800-669-6820

Director, Spencer H. Lewis, Jr.
Regional Attorney, Elizabeth Grossman

Office Hours: The New York District Office is open Monday-Friday from 8:30 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. Intake hours are Monday - Friday, from 8:30am to 3:00 pm.

Slow me down!

Dear Al,
I have a problem that's driving me crazy. Blogs! I'm working on so many blogs you wouldn't believe, and I keep coming up with new ones. I have 8 now. This juggling act of trying to maintain all my blogs is keeping me up nights, and it's effecting my family, day job, and my weight, but I can't stop. Slow me down!
-- Jennifer, Australia

Dear Jennifer,
Slow yourself down! Sheesh!

Are all these blogs worth hurting your family and job? Both will divorce your ass if you keep this up.

Usually what the problem is is that you're not getting enough sleep, and all those bowls of cornflakes every night. Lay off Kellogg's and your computer for a few days, and once you're well rested and able to think clearly, keep two blogs and delete the rest. I know, easier said than done, but look at it this way, none of your blogs will ever hit it big because you're spread out too thin.

Concentrate on two blogs and the physical world, and everything will be ok. Keep doing what you're doing, and you're gonna be an unemployed lonely lardass with no internet access. Scary, huh?