How Can I Make Xiaxue Take Me As Her Man?

Hey Al!
I'm very upset! Xiaxue, a blogger who is love of my life is denying me! How can she not feel the conectshion when I rite her on her blog? She's famous, so I can understand this has clouded her dinking, but this making me sad. We belong together! Al, how can I make Xiaxue to take me as her man?
-- Soulmate, Xiaxue's blog

Yo Soul:
Get a hold of yourself! Maybe doesn't feel the connection because you can't fuckin' write! The only person who's thinking is clouded is yours, natureboy. You're not the only person who has fallen head over heals for her, but you might be the only moron online who thinks he's Xiaxue's soulmate.

Move along, you don't have a chance!

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Hav Probim Mit My Gurlfren, Can Yo Helf Me?

Dear Al:
I lik yor blog bus I do nos undorstan it bus das es oka. I hav probim mit my gurlfren becoors she can nos see me wen a cha on da do dat.
Can yo helf me? --Yurgen, Austria

Dear Yurgen:
What?



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Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?

Dear Al:
I just quit smoking a day ago, and I'm going nuts! I can't think, I'm very moody, my heads hurting right now, and I feel like I'm gona throw up! Me and my husband want to have a baby right now, but why is it so hard for me to quit this time? The last time I quit wasn't this bad!

Al, tell me freakin something to keep me from smoking again! This shit fuckin sucks!
-- Diane, Los Angeles

Dear Diane:
It's gona kill ya, and harm your baby! You know this, so don't be a butthead and start that shit up again! Cigarettes kill more Americans than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide, and illegal drugs combined! Each year, about 438,000 people die in the US from tobacco use. Smoking is associated with reduced fertility and a higher risk of miscarriage, early delivery (prematurity), stillbirth, infant death, and is a cause of low birth weight in infants. It has also been linked to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

American Cancer Society: "Cigarette Smoking"

The reason why it's so hard to quit smoking this time around is because the Tobacco Companies secretly added 10 to 20 percent more nicotine to their cigarettes. Don't you just love them? Smokers who choose "light" brands hoping to reduce their nicotine intake are out of luck. According to a recent report, there was no significant difference in the total nicotine delivered between "full flavor," "medium," "light," or "ultra-light" cigarettes.

LA Times: "Cigarettes Packing More Nicotine, Report Shows"
New York Times: "Raising Nicotine Doses, on the Sly"
Massachusetts Department of Health: "Nicotine in cigarettes increases"

is more toxic and addictive than Cocain. 40–60 mg of nicotine is a lethal dosage for adults, which makes it 16-25 times more deadly than Cocain, which has a lethal dose at 1000 mg.

Wikipedia: "Nicotine"

Smoking will eventually make you look worse than the girl in the post before this one! Had enough?

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I Can't Stand My Mom's Husband!

Hey Al:
I wanna go visit my mom but I seriously can't stand her husband. He lives there, of course, and he's always home. So, if I wanna spend some time driving all the way up there to go visit my mom in person, I have to deal with him too. I really can't stand the guy so I stay away and just call my mom on the phone. What would you do in this situation?
-- Paul, cyberspace

Yo Paul:
If you haven't already, talk to your Mom. Let her know how you feel.
You could invite her over, just she might bring baggage along, which could work to your advantage if you play your cards right. Have a friend pretend to be your live in disgusting girlfriend, to include burping, farting, and whatever it takes that when you invite your Mom over again, she'll come alone. Let your Mom in on your plans so she wont get sick.
I hope this helped!

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Slowly Girls Are Getting Turned Off By Me!

Dear Al:
I'm addicted to online dating, doing it since I started Rumschpringe, my rite of passage into the Amish life, but slowly the girls are getting more and more turned off by me!
The last girl I was suppose to meet at a park for a date, picked up her things as soon as she saw me, and started to walk away. When I called her name, she ran! You know how embarassing that was? I almost crushed my hat!

Since then I'm spending a few extra hours a night online to find the perfect woman, so I don't have to go through that again. Do you have any advice? -- Brother Garb, Intercourse, PA

Dear Garb:
Loose those black clothes, fuckin' shave, and stop calling yourself brother, or I'll crush your hat!

is your time to cut loose, specially if you live in a town called Intercourse! You should be fuckin' everybody, with a hat of course, but not the one on your head!

Just kidding, you know! Last thing you want to catch is an STD, because no one will baptize your ass with a ten foot pole!

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