I'm hung like a horse, but girls run away!

Dear AL:
I am hung like a horse, but when the girls see it, they run away. What do I do?
--Hung, Florida

Yo Hung:
Wait for Mrs. Right. A girl who believes you wont pound her to death like a dumbass, but take it slow with lots of foreplay, using tons of lubricant. If a woman can give birth to a baby, then your size shouldn't be a problem.

Tell her you're in no rush... you're willing to wait until she's use to your size, that's if she's still in the room. I hope this helped!

Kw's: personal problem, micropenis, dreamer, delusional

Husband wants to kill pigs to avoid Swine Flu!

Dear AL:
For the last few days I've been protecting our pigs from my husband. He has obsessive–compulsive disorder, which I thought he had under control, that's until I caught him walking to our barn with a 5 gallon can of gas. When I asked him from the window what he's doing, he said coolly that he's going to kill our pigs. I then yelled stop, ran out to him while he was shouting back "Swine flu! Swine flu!" I tried to explain to him that it was just a name like chickenpox, but he kept telling me "How do I know? Why would they name it Swine flu?" He then tried a couple of more times to burn the barn, so I now park my truck against it to prevent him.

Al, what can I say to convince him that our pigs wont make us sick?
-- Samantha, Texas

Dear Sam:
Your husband is a pig farmer with obsessive-compulsive disorder? Now I've heard everything! Sounds like he might be suffering from another neurological disorder. A result of his lifestyle. Most sufferers of OCD try to hide their compulsive behaviors, and in his case he tried to make it seem like he had it under control while all along he might have been going through tremendous stress. No talking will prevent him from roasting your hogs, so I recommend he sees a professional and maybe a career change. Good luck!

Kw's: health, influenza, A virus subtype H1N1, influenzavirus

Made out with her uncle who's close to 30

Dear AL:
I recently turned 18 and after clubbing slept at a friends with her and two other guys. We all crashed on the double bed and I ended up making out with her uncle who is close to 30. My friend suspects that we hooked up, although we tried to hide it and I think she's upset about it. What should I do? Her uncle called me today and said to just say that we were flirting with one another and it didn't go any further than holding hands etc. What if she saw us kissing or something?
-- Eliza

Dear Eliza:
Time to grow up. There's a good chance she saw you two kissing since you all shared the same bed, so lying to her will enforce her beliefs that you're both dating. Tell your friend the truth. If you are dating, it's better to come clean if you value your friendship. It's not your fault you're attracted to a loser who can't find a woman his own age. She'll understand.

Kw's: friendship, friendships, problem, teen, teenager, adult, flirt, advice, family

She no lik me enymor!

Dear AL:
Hav a nise girlfrend bupt dink she no lik me enymor. Lass time she com to mi haus she leeve soon bupt com bak bupt no tork an leeve aygen. Wat can I do so mi girlfrend lik me lik befor?
-- Marat, Қазақстан

Dear Marat:
Take showers or she will never lick ya again.

Seriously, give her breathing room. Now I'm not saying that you stink, just give her space to think. Before doing so, call her up and let her know how you feel. If she still doesn't like ya after a few days, move on. Life is short.

Kw's: girlfriend, dating, relationship problem, problems, breakup

My Husbands affair with best friend. We have 2 children!

Dear AL:
My husband had an affair with my best friend. He says he didn't sleep with her, but he wont stop communicating with her. We have 2 children! HELP!
-- Cassie --

Dear Cassie:
I don't know of an affair where sex wasn't involved, that's unless numbnuts really has numb nuts, then he might be telling the truth. If you just want to save your marriage because of your two children, then it sounds like you have a business relationship, which is probably why he cheated. I'm not saying it's your fault. It takes two to make a marriage work, or not.

You can try marriage counseling, but if he doesn't want to try that, talk to him. Find out what's lacking in your relationship that he seems to be getting from your girlfriend, and not just sex. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then do what's best for your children... divorce. Don't put your kids through an unhappy marriage. It will effect them when they're adults.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, best friend, cheater, cheating spouse, children, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful