Should I wait or do a one nighter?

Dearest AL:
I am a virgin. Should i wait for a quality boyfriend, or jus do a one nighter with this guy friend?
-- Horny but got pride, Australia

Dear Horny:
Wait! That one nighter may screw up your chances of meeting mister right, specially if you get pregnant, catch a venereal disease, or get branded a Ho! Like most women, but not all, guys talk alot of shit too. He may be your friend, but if he's a closet virgin, you can bet your ass he's gona tell the world about you and his big penis. *Cough* Next thing you know, these guys will put you on a level with Paris Hilton, and call you Firecrotch! Now do you want that?

Technorati Tags: mister right, horny, virgin, sex, one night stand, one nighter, boyfriend, Paris Hilton, Ho, Australia, down under, firecrotch, advice, personal problems, solutions, common sense

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Should I tell my MD that I'm stupid?

Dear AL:
My managing director told me about a job possibility for me and told me to apply and it would be a matter of course, but not to talk about it with others. He said he had already spoken to my direct boss and the person who would be my new boss. I applied for the new job as I was told to and I was seen by many people in this persons office (not somewhere I usually go) I felt I needed to make my current boss feel I was not going behind his back as he can be very difficult. I told him and he had not been told by the MD that this was what they had decided for me! What I want to know is should I tell the MD that I have been stupid?
-- Hailey

Dear Hailey:
You lost me on that last sentence. Not sure why you should tell your managing director that you're stupid, but if you feel like it, more power to ya!

Maybe your MD told your direct boss and he forgot, or was going to tell him after he lied to you. You didn't do anything wrong, so don't worry about it. For future reference, if something like this ever comes up again, let your current boss know what you're about to do before you do it. This way you wont feel like telling your company President that you're stupid.

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, workplace, confused

I've lost my way and don't know where to turn.

Dear AL:
????????? ??? ???????? ????? ???????????
"??????????????". ???? ??????? ??. ??????? ???? ???
?????? ??????? ????????????????????????
(???,????????) ??. ????? ????????????? ???????,
??????????????? ??? ??????? ??????????????? ?????.
???????? ??????????????????????? ????? ???
"?????????????????" ???????????? ???????????????
??????? ???? ??????????????????????? ???????!
-- Li, China

Dear Li:
?

I hope this helped!

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, China

Have to make a nature documentary. Clueless!

Dear AL:
Everyone in my class has been tasked to create a nature documentary over the weekend by whatever recording means we choose to use, and it has to be turned Monday morning next week. Tomorrow we have to submit what were gona film, but I'm clueless. Can you throw me an idea of what to video tape like yesterday? Thanks!
-- Penny, Los Angeles, CA

Dear Penny:
Another innocent nature film of the Wood Spider would be nice.

Minus the drugs!

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, nature, movie, film, video, documentary, YouTube, videos, Wood Spider, humor, comedy

New apartment smells like a bar... cigarettes!

Dear AL:
Me and my family just moved into a new apartment that smells like a bar. We didn't notice the cigarette smell before since the previous couple that lived here burned 2 sticks of incense in every room, which should have been a big warning sign. I complained to the landlord, and he showed us in the contract we signed that we're responsible for cleaning and painting the apartment. Like no duh! But this place should have been cleaned up right before we moved in. We haven't started painting because a professional told us that there's no paint on the market that can cover cigarette smoke of this extreme. We tried soap and water and some bio safe products, but our apartment still stinks. Do you know of any non-toxic way to get rid of this smell? We have kids.
-- Meredith, New York

Dear Meredith:
A bucket or two of water and half a bottle vinegar per bucket will do the trick. The rooms will smell for about an hour or so like vinegar, but at least the smell of cigarettes will be gone. Make sure you clean the radiators good, or the place will stink when you turn them on. I went through the same shit myself!

Dial the 311 Call Center, an operator should be able to help you find out if that landlords contract is legal. If not, you might be able to take legal action again'st Mr. Roper for putting yours kids health in jeopardy! More than likely that contract is different than the other tenants in your building, probably because he didn't want to clean up your apartment before you moved in. Second hand smoke, even on the walls, radiators, ect... is just as bad as being in the presence of a smoker.

In the Tenant's Rights Guide for the State of New York it states that landlords of buildings with three or more apartments must keep the apartments and the buildings' public areas in "good repair" and clean and free of vermin, garbage or other offensive material. Landlords are required to maintain electrical, plumbing, sanitary, heating, ventilating systems and appliances landlords install, such as refrigerators and stoves in good and safe working order. Tenants should bring complaints to the attention of their local housing officials. (Multiple Dwelling Law (MDL) §78 and §80; Multiple Residence Law (MRL) §174. The MDL applies to cities with a population of 325,000 or more and the MRL applies to cities with less than 325,000 and to all towns and villages.)

I hope this helped!

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, family, health, cheap, landlord, cigarette, second hand, secondhand, smoke, tenants, rights, New York

How can I stop myself from driving him away?

Dear AL:
Me and my husband have been married for over a year, together for about 5, but we've been having problems. I call him almost everyday at work, and at times I search through his things looking for phone numbers, but he never done anything wrong. Sometimes when he goes to work I follow him in my own car pretending to go shopping. I just can't let him out of my sight! My friends and his tell me to give him breathing room, but I'm afraid he will find someone else. He's thinking about leaving me, so I'm thinking about doing something crazy like getting myself pregnant since he's Christian and believes that children should have both parents for better or worse, but I hope things will get better. Since my ex-boyfriend cheated dozens of times behind my back, I'm so paranoid with my husband. I don't want to trap him, but I never had anyone like him before, but feel like I have no other choice.

How can I stop myself from driving him away?
-- Cynthia, Florida

Dear Cynthia:
If you don't stop making your husband pay for what your ex-boyfriend did to you, you're gona be a single parent if you try to trap him, no matter what family values he preaches. You might even drive him to cheat behind your back, think about that. Drop the binoculars, give him his space, and seek some professional help.

Look, your ex-boyfriend is history and so is your husband if you continue doing this to him. Give the guy a break and everything will be ok.

Technorati: personal, relationship, problems, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, spying, ex, family, matters

ive decided to move on but i dont know how

Hey AL:
Whats the best way to forget bout a girl, i really like her and ive liked her for almost 3 years, were really close but i want to be more then "just another guy", so ive decided to move on but i dont know how.
-- Jason, Calgary, AB, CA

Yo Jason:
Best way to move on is to keep yourself busy, like learning how to write.

You suck, dude!

I hope this helped.

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, moving on, illiterate, hobby, writing

Blogger Beta sucks! Google forced me to switch!

Dear AL:
A day ago I logged into my Blogger account for a few minutes, and logged off. Minutes later I tried to log back into my blog account to add a new header banner and images for my sidebar, but the people at Google fixed it so I had no choice but to switch to Blogger Beta if I wanted access to my blog. So I did. I then uploaded my banner and images to a post, copied their new funky links from the post and pasted it to my blogs template, erasing the links to my old banner, but when I published the images the funky links to them didn't work! I then tried their new editor to see if this would solve my problem, and they switched me back to the old Blogger template, so I deleted my fuckin' blog! I know I could've switched back to my old template, but what's the use if I can't add a simple banner to my blogs header?

Fuckin' %&$%$#0(**@°!

Al, I just needed to vent. Hope you don't mind.
-- Judy, Brazil

Dear Judy:
Vent all you want, but if Blogger forces me to switch over, the world better be ready for an earful! You hear that Google, God dammit!

Technorati: personal, problems, advice, Google, blog, weblog, blogger, beta, migrate, migration, bugs, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, internet

I'm so crazy about this girl!

Dear AL:
There's this girl I've seen around for ages, but I can't work up the courage to talk to her. She's very popular, amazingly beautiful, and seems fun to be around. I see her alot when I'm out, and my friends try to incourage me to talk to her, but I just drink my beer. I'm so crazy about this girl! How can I get over my fear to talk to her?
-- Charlie, Idaho

Yo Charlie:
Are you a virgin?

Look, grab your balls and talk to the girl, but if you're a girl, grab your cooch. You're gona hate yourself if you don't at least try. Girls like that don't stay single forever, but if she's already taken, continue drinking.
I hope this helped.

Technorati: crazy, personal, problems, shy, guy, dream, girl, beer, virgin, infatuation, advice, blog, weblog, blogger, bloggers, column, solutions, everyday, problems

How do you deal with this kind of pain?

Dear Al:
I was in business with my family. Since I quit my family now excludes me and my family from "all" family get togethers, including Xmas parties, birthdays, etc... Hurt? More than words! I try not to let it get to me, but everyday it does. I have tried talking to my brother, but he says I don't want this to come between us as brother and sister, but he still goes to family functions knowing I am not invited, then ignores me for days. How do you deal with this kind of pain?? Please email me with your answer. -- Judith

Dear Judith:
I don't email my solutions, so I'm gona answer you here about your dumbass family, not to leave you hanging.

I hate to tell you this, but your family don't give a damn about you, just the dollars you helped bring in while you was working for them. They did you a favor by excluding you and your family, because now your children will grow up to be decent human beings, not letting money get in the way of family.

About your brother, give him the cold shoulder for a couple of months, and if he's still their bitch, exclude him with a present... a dog collar.

You're free as a bird, and you still have your family that loves you, so concentrate on them and exclude the greedy.

Technorati: advice, advice blog, advice blogger, advice column, counsel, recommendation, recommendations, opinion, opinions, column, solutions, problems, everyday problems, opinion, family matters, family business, personal problems, dumbasses

Falling in love, but life sucks!

Dear AL:
I've been reading your blog for quite a long while now and it sometimes makes my day to read the funny, crazy advice you dish. (but it also warms my heart!)

I think I'm falling in love with my college professor. I don't know what to do, I've tried to shelve this feeling for so long now, but it still doesn't go away. I do not dare tell it to anybody because I know they are going to frown at me and disapprove. What should I do?

Life sux too, because everything is so stiff and horrible around here. I can't express myself, can't laugh, can't really be who I am, and who I want to be. Oh Al, I feel so down just thinking about this "confinement" I'm in, where the people around me limit me because my thinking differs from theirs and I am unable to voice out my thoughts and opinions. They want me to be who they expect me to be. :(
-- Alexandra, Asia

Dear Alexandra:
Fuck 'em! Not your friends, your teacher. But if he's that dude above, you have problems.

Ok, seriously, you're probably not the only one who has fallen in love with your professor, and the last thing you need is someone finding out, specially the others who are also interested in him. They will announce this revelation to the world out of jealousy, guaranteed, to ruin your reputation. One sure fire way to get him off your mind, talk shit about the others.

If you're not comfortable where your at, move. Some people would just say fuck those assholes, just be yourself... but I know how it is when people already see you in one way, they wont change their way of thinking no matter how many times you show them different.

Move... It's beats kicking them in the balls.

I'm throwing in the towel! Life sucks!

Dear AL:
I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I just feel like life is not worth living anymore. Everything seems to be going wrong.
My boyfriend broke up with me, my family hates me, my only friend moved away, I lost my job, and now I'm gona lose my home because I can't pay the rent! I don't want to move back home because my parents are alcoholics, and my step dad touches me!
I've have depression for a few years now, and I can't bare any of this anymore. I'm throwing in the towel! Life sucks!

Al, before I go, can you make me laugh? I haven't done that in a long time. Just please no advice.

I'm still waiting on your blog.
-- Kate, Baton Rouge, LA

Dear Kate:
I know how you feel, and I'm gona try to decribe what I went through as humorous as I possibly can. No refund if it sucks, Alright!

I was... ah... one time... um... at band camp...

Never thought I would ever be lost for words.
Kate, you ruined my groove! Rot in hell!

He Accused Me Of Leading Him On

Dear AL:
Right, in a nutshell: Why do I only attract either weirdos or chauvanistic arseholes when I'm out fer a drink, minding me own business? After an hour of singing along to the live band in the bar, me and me mate were getting ready to leave. This blokey next to us keeps blagging the lighter fer his fags. I tell him just to buy one when he gets his fags ~ and then realise he's cadgin fags of everyone else anyway, so he probably never buys his own. Anyway, he ends up chatting to me and we end up dancing and shouting along to the music, like. Oasis, as I remember. First base reached and sorted, he then says a variation on the "get yer coat, love, you've pulled" theme. I'm incensed. I ask him why a 10 min tonsil hockey match, no drinks and him blagging all me fags means I'll automatically go home wi him and sleep wi him? Excuse me, I do have standards. He accuses me of leading him on. I accuse him of being a smarmy, possible serial-killer typical pissed ex-pat businessman C-word, and tell he has a lot to learn about modern girls. I leave wi me mate, and we catch the bust back to me flat, where I steam about his arrogant assumptions fer about three days. I'm better now. But I must have 'arrogant twats try me' written on me forehead. That and 'nuts welcomed', and not in the Biblical sense, neither.

Can you tell me where I'm going wrong? Tell me it's not me, it's him. Please.
Peach and lube,
-- Soupdragon, Hong Kong, http://soup-dragon.blogspot.com

Dear Soup:
Maybe he liked the way you called his and your friends fags, so he knew you had to be straight.

Most guys will get the wrong impression if you start talking to them first, followed by dancing, and meeting your friends... I mean fags. It's not your fault, just watch a person next time to make sure he's not an asshole before you start a conversation.

Oh yeah... On our side of the planet we don't call our friends fags, specially if they're gay. Hope this helped!

I'm Such A Pig, And Feeling Ashamed!

Dear Al:
I hate it how I can't control my eating. I think its because I'm bored and jealous if someone else gets to eat it. I'm such a pig, and feeling ashamed... -- Potentially Hot

Dear Hot:
So that was you staring at my dog at last weeks game! Freaky!

There's an organization that can help you with your problem, Overeaters Anonymous. Overeaters Anonymous offers a program of recovery from compulsive overeating. Worldwide meetings and other tools provide a fellowship of experience, strength and hope where members respect one another's anonymity. OA charges no dues or fees; it is self-supporting through member contributions.

www.overeatersanonymous.org

I hope this helped!

Filed under: advice, health, on the internet, personal problems

I'm psychologicaly damaged!

Dear AL:
I still can't believe what I saw yesterday! I wanted to gouge my eyes out! I walked in on my parents in the bathroom while my mom was giving dad oral sex! It was digusting! There dad was, standing in his hairy birthday suit, while Mom performed oral sex with her pruned lips! They was sagging everywhere!

Why can't they be like normal parents and stop having sex? I know your readers will find this funny, but I'm psychologicaly damaged!
-- Grace, college student

Dear Grace:
It could have been worse!



Filed under: confused, family matters, personal problems, sex, videos, YouTube

At The End Of My Rope!

Dear Al:
I'm not sure what's wrong with me! I never see the bright side of things. I'm constantly nagging about every little thing. I'm very clingy, but when I get rejected, I go crazy! I pick fights with my coworkers for stupid stuff almost everyday. I talk alot of shit, but lately no one is listening! What's worse is that I can't take a joke, specially when it's not directed at me!

Al, I'm at the end of my rope! What's wrong with me?
-- Courtney, Texas

Dear Courtney:
You're NUTS! Um... I mean... Aren't those your nuts above?

Life is short, enjoy it! Don't turn it into a hassel. Keep your nose our of other peoples business! I know for some people that's not easy, and if that's the case with you, seek help.

Filed Under: advice, personal problems, workplace

Lindsay Lohan this... Lindsay Lohan that... Enough already!

Dear AL:
What the fuck is up with the media?
"Lindsay Lohan breaks wrist in fall", "Lindsay Lohan tells her mum to go to hell", "Lindsay Lohan Takes on the White Oprah", "Lindsay Lohan Picks the Crust between her Toes," Who fuckin cares!

One more news story about Lindsay Lohan, I'm gona fuckin kill somebody!
-- Britney, California

Dear Britney:
Jane Fonda is worried about Lindsay Lohan!

Oops!

Look, just change the channel when they talk about Lindsay Lohan, ignore articles about her. We can't stop the news media from reporting crap, but we can send them a message by ignoring them.


Filed under: advice, personal problems

I Feel Like I'm Taking Crazy Pills!

Dear Al:
This is driving me crazy! Everytime my stay at home wife gets her hands on a bag of chips, box of Lucky Charms, or whatever, she tears into it like a fuckin rat, leaving a huge mess in the cabinets! When we eat at the table, it's like she forgets there's food on it, so she opens up a newspaper on top of everything like a freakin retard! She lets the garbage overflow with tons of gnats everywhere! She always fuckin messes up the backyard shed! I mean how hard is it to put things back where you got it from? She just throws things in there in a pile that I can't reach my freakin tools when I need them!

Al, I talked to her about this a million times! WTF is going on?
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
-- Mike, living in a pigpen

Yo Mike:
Sounds like you both have kids! If not... RUN!

Maybe she's overwhelmed with the house work, and is crying out for help, or she's just a pig! Give her a hand, and if possible, convince her to find a hobby or job to get her out of the house! Maintaining a home is hard work, she can't do it alone!

The next time she opens a newspaper over food, pour your drink on it, but not during dinner time, unless you want a Ginsu steak knife in your ass! I hope this helped!


Filed under: advice, family matters, health, relationship problems

Give Your Former Employer The Finger

Dear Al:
I started a new blog where people can submit pictures of themselve standing in front of an old place of employment giving it the finger, along with a story of why their former employer deserves the finger. How long should I wait for people to start submitting stuff before shutting it down? Do you think it will go anywhere?
-- Planeswalker, fingerphoto.blogspot.com

Yo Planeswalker:
You're not paying for this blog, so why shut it down? It's a great idea!

Blogs don't become popular over night, it takes time. One way to get noticed right away is to create a video to promote it of people giving the finger to former employers (minus the employers name or logo so you wont get sued for Copyright infringement) while stating how they feel in few words as possible like "You suck!", "You can shove those $6", "Flip your own damn burgers!", "FUCK YOU!!!", ending it with "Give your former employer the finger!" " and a link to your blog, then post it on YouTube!

No! I wasn't voicing personal resentment above of a former employer!
You people!



Filed under: advice, on-the-internet, YouTube

WTF is Holiday Mathis Trying To Say?

Dear Al:
I've been playing Lotto forever, and haven't won a thing. My astrology sign stated yesterday that I have a good chance this week, but today it states "Gorillas show they're in love by picking nits off of one another."

What the fuck is Holiday Mathis trying to say?
-- The Player, http://lotterynumberspicker.blogspot.com

Yo Player:
She's horny! I hope this helped!

Welcome to Blogger, and good luck playing Lotto!

Filed under: personal problems, confused