Sexual Harrassment Complaint Over Joke

Dear AL:
I played a joke on a friend who made a sexual harrassment complaint against me. I hid under her desk, and when she came to work, I was going to surprise her by grabbing her legs, not knowing she was going to wear a dress that day. I decided not to touch her, but she saw me right away and nicked my head with a kick. I told her I was only wanted to play a joke and that I was sorry, but she pushed me out of her office and filed the complaint. Al, she always wears pants to work, and I didn't see anything when she wore a dress for the first time. They're thinking about firing me, but for the mean time moved me to a room in the basement! Al, what can I do? I'm so screwed!
-- Troubled in Australia

Yo Troubled:
You bet your ass you're screwed. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to dig yourself out of this hole, but look at the bright side. You're still alive! :-)

Plz dun advice me on evythng belo. Thanx

Dear AL:
This is kinda gonna b a long stori..bt hope u help me out wid this..its killing me a bit dese days..obv if im not so desperate i wudnt be cuming to u..
Ok..
Btw..im a guy..not a joke..srs here..
I have a best friend...lets keep his name as A..hope the letters dunt confuse u too much..then i have this other best friend and lets call her M...
Ok..one of the problems is that im dam possessive of M...the thing is..i have a lot of feelings for her...more than a friend..n so dus she for me..bt we both r best friends so we decided to leave it bc our friendship is much more imp than going out or ny other crap..bt both of us mutually love each other a bit more than a friend n i am so madly possessive of her...
Ive read a few of ur old posts...in those u say possessive ppl r dry n they js make u loose ur personal space..ur ryt at tyms...bt ryt nw im the one giving u advice lol... she loves it wen im possessive of her bc she njois all the stf i do for her.. wen i get jealous or nything..shes tol me a million tyms that i have feelings for u bc of the way u care for me n the way ur possessive of me.. N i cnt be friends wid her widout being possessive of her...both possessiveness and being friends wid her go hand in hand..
(Value your IQ? Click this to skip to advice "Yo Ronaldo".)

Bt nw cums the hard part..
Sumtyms...it kills me...wen M toks2nybody else...i try my best not to show it...i no that im *ucking selfish..bt then thats hw i am...n i hide it bc i dun want her to loose her friends bc of the way i behave...bt then it hurts me lyk hell everyday..
N wen M toks to A(the guy best friend in the beginning)dts wen its the worst...M has tol me a million tyms that im the closest to her than nybody else in the whole world...bt still wen M speaks to nybody else or A it hurts me a lot...i no...it sux...totalli...bt i feel lyk i bcum less important to her at those tyms..and i cnt control myself till she finishes..n i get impatient..wen shes toking2nybody else..n wen her fone is ngaged...i feel so incomplete...so sad n depressd...i w8 for her to finish toking2nybody..n only wen she dus...do i feel lyk doing sumthn else..
N another thing...nythng that M says...hurts me lyk hell...i am a very senti person...n nythng she says or nybody for that matter...kills me insyd...i cry frm the insyd lyk hell..and sumtyms outsyd too..
The thing is...i still love her a lot...n ryt nw wer in college in totally different places in the world...n i no nothing is gonna happen..bt then i js keep wishing that mayb she wud change her mind...i no in the beginning i said we mutually agreed not to have ny shit..bt nw i feel lyk i love her more than nyboyd else in the world...n im ready to do nythng for her...
K AL...temme...wt do i need to do abt the possessiveness?bc wen she toks to sum1 else...or evn wid A(A and i r roomies in our college ryt nw)wen wer in the room...i cnt bear the agony...its lyk sum1 is stabbing me or sumthn...n then aftr that i wudnt be able to tok2her properly at all..for atleast a day..n she keeps asking y..n i tell her ntnz rong,..bt in reality...im js so glued to her dt i dun want ny1 in the world other than me to have her..n i no thats unfair..so dts y i want2no sum way..in which i cn take my mind off things n js forget abt it..n not tink abt it...n njoi the tyms that i get wid her..i js want2no sum way...in which i can take control over my possesivenes..
U cn forget M nw bc the stori wid M is over..
Here comes the second one..
Me n A(the guy)..r the best of best friends(and roomies)...n he means more than the world to me..
The thing is...for sumtym since lyk a month bak..some things r getting on my nerves...n there r many things i dunt understand...y im feeling lyk this,and wt i need to do to get over it.
The thing is..wen i came to college...i had my set of friends..n there were these 2guys who i wz rely close to..me n those two guys used to hang out majority of the tym in the first 2weeks of college..n then i introduced them to A...n since then...they stik wid A much more than me..
The thing is...nytym theres ny plan...or nythng...they call up A..n they tell A to tell me...in the first few wekks i wz the one wid them...n nw its totally the opposite..n it hurts me hw things hv changed..i feel lyk i wz robbed of my friends...n this has bin getting on my nerves for sum reason..
N sumtyms wen i turn up for sum plan...n A dusnt cum...both of them get so sad n they keep asking me y..n that irritates me...another thing is wen A says yes to sumthn both of them start rejoicing and they get so happy whreas since then they don’t actually worry so much if i cum or no...
I hvnt bin wid them since the last2weeks...ive got my own set of friends nw...n we go out separately..
N nw im js scared to intro ny more friends to him....bc i feel lyk they mite forget me n move on wid him..
I no this is not jealousy.,..i am happy for everytym A is happy..in each n everything...if sumthn gud for A happens...i am so happy for it..
Bt this is so different..i dunno wt to do abt it...n it dusnt stop here..
These days...wen our common friends ask abt A...i get evn more irritated...n i feel lyk evy1 in the world is more worid abt him than me..this hapnd twice or thrice recently...wen our common friend calls...n he/she speaks to me for a min n then speaks to A for an hr n keeps widout saying a bye to me...those things hurt me lyk crap..n three of my friends did the same thing to me...n those things hurt me lyk hell..
N this is the first tym im hving issues wid A...bc we hv never had nythng lyk this b/w us..
And nw evythng is getting on my nerves...our friends in college who prefer A....our common friends who keep asking abt A..nwen M toks to A...n its all getting to me...n wen he dus tok1nyboyd in the above group...it hurts me...it literally spoils my day..
Bt i dunno y..
Here comes problem number 3..
A has a best friend..lets cl her P...n me n P r very very very close friends..n since wer all in different colleges she comes onlyn to tok2us...n we cn make it n tok 2her only at sumtyms of the day..
Nw obv for P, A is more imp than i am...n i accept that too.. n i am the second most important person to P after A....n i totally understand that...n sumtyms...wen P cums onlyn n im there...n wen she asks abt A...i get totally pissd of abt it...bc she neva asks for me wen im not onlyn...bt she asks for A wen im onlyn..wt the hell is dt?y cnt she tok2me wen im deR?
N wen P calls up A...n she speaks to him n keeps the fone widout toking2me...it hurts me evn more...i no imnot as close as A...bt shes cling frm so far off..y the *uck cnt she tok2me to?wudnt that get me irritated?
N sumtyms.wen P and i have a fite...n it hurts me lyk hell lyk i tol u b4...n it ink abt it n i cnt forget it till i solve it wid P or ny1 else for dt matter..n in dose tyms...P behaves lyk she dusnt evn care...n she toks2A evn though im crying my heart out here bc of wt hapnd...n dt hurts me a lot more..
N i wana tell u sumthn...P is a gr8 person n one of the my closest friends ever..and she dus love me...bt sumtyms i feel lyk its not as much as i love her..
Yea..i rely need ur advice..
One suggestion, plz dun advice me to cut friendship wid A, M, or P...because they matter a lot to me n some of the closest ppl in my lyf widout whom i cnt evn live..
Tell me sumthn abt hw i cn get over this n forget things quickly...n hw to get over evythng ive mentioned above..
Thanx a lot
-- Ronaldo, Indonesia

Yo Ronaldo:
You seriously think I'm going to waste me time deciphering this shit?
I'm not a cryptologist!

Listen, pick up a dictionary and correct everything you wrote above. You might get a headache, but you'll be alright. Only then will I expand your cranium with wisdom that would put the Dalai Lama to shame. Kapeesh?!

u woant beh dispointet.

Swine Flu: Daughter Afraid of Guinea Pig

Dear Al:
Since my 7 year old daughter found out about the Swine Flu, and that it came from pigs, she doesn't want to play with her guinea pig anymore. I tried to explain to her that she doesn't have to worry about getting sick from Simon, her guinea pig, but she keeps telling me it's also a pig, and if I knew that he didn't come from Guinea? And you know what, I didn't. After I gave her a hug, she slowly walked away, and looked at Simon from a distance saying goodbye to him. I almost cried! What can I do to show her that she doesn't have to worry about getting sick from him?
-- Judith, Wyoming

Dear Judith:
Remind her that her guinea pig is a rodent, so there is no way she will catch the swine flu from him. And if that doesn't work, take her and her guinea pig to the vet for a check-up. I'm sure they will be more than happy to help you quench her fear.

Tell your daughter about the media assholes who are making a mountain out of a mole hill about this virus. They prey on fear to boast ratings to attract sponsors who are all just looking to make a profit. Good luck trying to explain that sentence.

Kw's: H1N1, H1N2, H3N1, H3N2, H2N3, SIV, hog, influenza, C, A, seasonal, pandemic

Chemtrails instant clouds over Germany! Worried they might trigger Swine Flu!

Dear AL:
This morning when I took my kids to school, I noticed those white planes spraying Chemtrails on the only patch of blue sky. Most of them parallel, with a few crossing them since that patch of blue sky was narrow. I also noticed before reaching the end of the only blue sky those planes turned off their trails, proving they were chemtrails. Germany has admitted to doing this. Anyway, it usually takes some time before they turn into clouds, usually up to half an hour. This time it took a few minutes and it's freakin' me out! Either they're desperately trying to save us from solar flares using nano technology to speed cloud formation along, but I can't stop thinking about the WHO predictions of a Swine Flu pandemic, specially since 20 minutes after they sprayed it made it to ground level! How's it that suppose to protect us from the sun? Is this the trigger for the mother of all pandemics? Killing us with our tax dollars? My friends keeping joking with me stating world leaders just want to put us out of our misery so we don't have to witness the implosion of Earth due to collisions at CERN's LHC in Geneva. They might be on to something there and not even know it! Al, what can we do?
-- Heidi, Bamberg, Germany

Dear Heidi:
Lock you up!

Ok... I can see chemtrails in the atmosphere to protect us from cosmic rays, but to cause a global holocaust by purposely weakening our immune system? You must be on crack! I would seriously seek professional help if I was you. Your friends might put you out of your misery if you start shouting it's to cover an incoming asteroid. Hell... maybe that's what's really going on. I hope your bunker is well stocked.

On second thought, you're going to get squashed. Never mind. :-)

He's being charged with multiple felonies.

DearAL:
I have been with the same guy for a little over 4 years. We were having a great life together when he got arrested for some bad choices he made before I met him. I wasn't aware of any of this and now my trust in him is shaken. I've been really trying to stay strong and looking at my life. I've made many positive changes and am really taking care of myself. I'm not ready to call it quits, but I don't know how to accept him keeping something so big from me for so many years. We were going to get married in May of next year, and now I'm not sure how long it will be until he's out. He is being charged with multiple felony threes.
--Kyle, Heart Broken in Co

Dear Kyle:
In Colorado, not counting class 1 felonies (murder), Beaves could go to prison anywhere from 1 to 24 years. Do you seriously want to wait for someone who kept this past a secret? Who's to say he wont do it again? It will always be in the back of your mind "Did he seriously go out with the boys to shoot pool, or to shoot someone?" Not that I'm saying he would commit this type of felony.

Here's another positive change you should make, calling it quits. Don't become his alibi for his next serious crime. You might end up doing time. Move on with your life and let him live his.