Had an affair with my best friend's husband

Dear AL:
I had an affair with my best friend's husband two weeks ago, which I'm very sorry about. The way it happened, my best friend Dawn gave me a call and told me she was sick, and asked if I could go to her husbands hangout to keep an eye on him. I did her this favor, and found him playing pool with his friends at this place. He wasn't doing anything wrong when I found him, but since I drank so much, he talked me into slow dancing, and the next thing I know we're kissing. Somehow he ended up at my place and we had sex!

Since then he calls me almost everyday, asking when he could see me again. This past weekend I stayed at a girlfriends house out of fear he would stop by. And earlier today he called, but I let my answering machine pickup while on speaker. He said he loves me!

Al, how do I get out of this? I want to tell my best friend, but I keep wimping out.
-- In Trouble, Canada

Dear Trouble:
Somehow he ended up at your place to have sex? Don't you hate it when that happens?

Look, stop dragging this out, and tell your best friend! She's gona find out sooner or later, specially if her husband keeps calling you. He will slip up guaranteed, or probably tell your best friend that he loves you. And somehow her fist is gona end up in your face. That happens too you know.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Ideas for an April Fools' Day joke

Hey AL:
I want to pull an April Fool's Day joke tomorrow on a coworker friend of mine who reads you blog, maybe with your help. Here's a few details about him: He loves football, can't stop talking about his hobby, he's one of our best brokers, and he drives an old Regal. Have any ideas?
-- Anthony, New York City

Yo Anthony:
You just described him, and you still expect to fool him?

***Smack*** Get off the internet!

Visual Basic is unstandardized crap for a reason

Dear AL:
I have to get this off my chest. I've been using Microsoft Visual Basic for years, but no more! Their latest version, Visual Basic 6 .NET produces slow applications, wont upgrade programs written in previous versions, and software written with it becomes inoperable when you update to the latest Windows version, or the latest Internet Explorer.

The reason being why Visual Basic wont ever become standardized is because Microsoft wont be able to sell new versions of Windows if it has to stay compatible with previous versions of this software. Microsoft can't make money with Windows updates, so they create new Windows versions from scratch, not caring if it's compatible with anything written for previous versions.

God I'm so mad! Visual Basic was my livelihood, but now my coding is obsolete! I don't have the time to learn the new version! F--k!
-- Bhargyaraj, India

Yo Bhargyaraj:
I guess no one will be outsourcing jobs to you anytime soon.

Funny, your name means Lord of Luck in India. Buddha must've been kidding.

Know of a cure for toenail fungus?

Dear AL:
Over the course of 3 years I watched my toenails go from transparent to a brittle yellow crust. Only 2 of my toenails look normal now. I planned to take care of this problem, but with my work schedule and family life, I've put it off, but I just can't stand looking at them anymore! Do you know of a cure for toenail fungus, or is this something I have to live with? -- Dave, Ireland

Yo Dave:
You've been funky this long, why change?

Anyway, there are a ton of safe over the counter products you can use agains't toenail fungus, just some of them stink, change your nail color, and sting like a bitch. Vinegar I hear does a great job curing this and other foot problems. It stinks, but only stings if you have athletes foot if you're that funky. Soak your toenails 2 to 3 times a day with vinegar for 30 minutes without missing a day. Also take two teaspoons of Vinegar a day to fight this internally. It will take a while, maybe a month or two, sometimes longer depending on how servere it is, but you'll have a new set of toenails, minus any side effects like Lamasil.

If people complain about the smell, tell them you just ate a salad, everyday. Good luck!

What can I do to make them stop?

Dear AL:
Since my male coworkers found out my plans to have my breasts reduced from my loud mouth girlfriend, they keep bringing it up. Stating all I need is a lift. They're also using this as an excuse to stare at my boobs while they talk to me!

Al, this is making me uncomfortable. What can I do to make them stop?
-- Trish, UK

Dear Trish:
Reduce your breasts to nothing. Works every time!

Seriously, you need to tell them to stop. If they don't, it's sexual harassment point blank. Tell your supervisor about what's happening, but if he's also part of the problem, then bring this up with your company's human resource office by filing a complaint. No one should have to put up with this bullshit, specially if they're planning a boob job.

Also, about your loud mouth girlfriend, next time you talk to her yell out "So you have a penis?" She had it coming!

I want to be the first

Dear AL:
My girlfriend just has a record of leaving all her ex-boyfriends hanging, not actually breaking up with them. I want to be the first because I know she isn't in to me any more and I know that breaking up would just kill her. I really don't want that. HELP!!!
-- dyvius, Colorado

Yo Dyvius:
You want to be the first what? Lay?

How can you be the first of anything if she's not into you? Move on dude. Masturbate. She'll be alright, believe me.

Can't stand my name!

Dear AL:
Way back when I was a child I loved my birth name, Pony, that's until someone pulled my ponytail in first grade, and all the nicknames that followed. Today at 20 I'm finally gona change it, just drives me crazy that my mom wont tell me why she named me this. Have any indeas?
-- Samantha (soon to be name), Oklahoma

Dear Sam:
You don't want to know.

I just want to go to school

Hey AL:
Last week I got suspended because of my pants. I'm one of the smartest kids in class, but these fools attacked me anyway with this sagging pants law, and it hasn't even been approved by the House of Representatives. I wear long shirts, so no one sees my underwear, plus my style saves time when I go to the toilet. :)

Al, I'm not a trouble maker. I just want to go to school without worrying about how I'm dressed.
-- Lamont, Florida

Yo Lamont:
Pull your drawers up and you'll be ok.

Yeah, it's a stupid law, and it doesn't have to go into statewide effect for your school to adopt it. Look, save your droopy fashion statement for after school, and pray your ass (No diss intended) doesn't get tasered if it becomes state law. Simple!

Don't want to make a mariburjeka out of myself

Dear AL:
Last year you gave me advice about a girl I was interested in, but like my friends said, and you, she was a dude. There's this other girl that works at this club that seems to like me. Now she's not performing on stage, so she has to be female. Everytime I come through the door, she always smiles and says hi before taking me to my table. My friends are not 100% sure this time if she's a man, and seem to think she's hot, which is a good sign. Al, I want to chance it and ask her out, but don't want to make a mariburjeka out of myself. What would you do in my shoes?
-- Matt, California

Yo Matt:
Get the fuck out!

Not sure how you can think there's any females in that club. 99.9% of everyone in there are males, dudes, salami packers! Now either you and your friends are morons, or deep down you want to get planted. Your friends are probably gay, which is not bad. They just see that you're not sure of your own sexuality, specially since you're interested in these men... I mean girls... whatever... I bet your friends don't want to really hook you up with someone from that club. They're just testing the grounds before they grab your ass, or d---!

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't be in that club in the first place, but since your shoes are already through the door, I suggest you straight up ask that girl if she's a guy or not. Fred's brother could be working their!

Sorry, but what is mariburjeka?

Dear AL:
Sorry, but what is mariburjeka?
-- Jane, Korea, Republic of

Dear Janebot:
You mean you don't know? Sad.

Figure you know by now since you've been asking this spam question all over the internet:
Google - "Sorry, but what is mariburjeka?"

To the Janebot programer who unleashed this spambot crawler, you forgot to add a link, moron!

In a hurtful situation

Dear AL:
I have never blogged before, but find myself in a hurtful situation. I'm hoping you can give me some advice.
-- B3

Dear B3:
Kinda hard to give advice if I don't know what the problem is, but blogging about it if you have no one to talk to is a great way to get it off your chest. Readers don't have to know who you are and where you're from, just the fact you're venting, looking for support. If you decide to blog about it, drop me a line so me and my readers can stop by. I hope this helped.

She knows I fuckin' hate waiting

Hey Al:
I hate the girl who hangs out with me and my best friend. Well, not exactly; I hate that my best friend always puts her before me. She knows I fucking hate waiting for ANYONE and she still insist on making me do so because she wants to be with the stupid bitch.

Do I dump her, which isn't a choice, because I'm a social pariah whom everyone hates, or do I kill the bitch and hope my best friend doesn't find out?
-- Liza

Hey Liza:
Maybe if you stop being such a hater and focus on good times, everything will be ok. This other girl is probably about having good times while all you do is go waaaaahhh... Loosen up, or your friend will dump ya, then you'll really have something to bitch about.

I hope this helped. :)