Husband text girl 3000 times, 45 a day.

Dear AL:
My husband and I got married in January after ten years together and two kids. We were part of a group of friends and he got close to a female in the group which I didn't like. He told me I was being silly. End of August I proved he had been texting and calling her for months - over 3000 text sent - 45 a day average. I threw him out. Was pregnant with number three. She swans around like she done nothing wrong. Drives me mad. Sick of both of them. What to do?
-- kiwimummy, London

Dear kiwimummy:
You did the right thing kicking numb nuts to the curb, just make sure he takes care of his responsibility towards your children.

About the biatch your husband's been text messaging, does she still hang out with your other friends, which is why you still see her around?
Did they know this was going on behind your back? Were they clueless? Maybe you should talk to your friends, minus the textards, to weed out the traitors.

Update: I found out more about who this BIATCH is, just too bad you didn't make copies of your husbands online phone records to send to that girls husband as a Christmas present, but you can still tell him verbally, as well as the other moms at the school. Just don't mess with her husband, even if he insists to get back at her. He might be carrying something she gave him from another textard.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Friends emotionally stress use blanks

Dear AL:
Its me again. Come with another problem bout my friends. I have two friends, they both girl. They had same problem, when they got emotionally stress , they blank themselves with blank, n felt relieved when they see blank blank blank.
The first one getting her stress from fight with her step-mother, and the second one usually stress coz of fight with his boyfriend. His?
Um, the first one started getting psycho. Once, she angry with a loud-mouth boy in our class, and she cornered him on corridor n talked sarcasm to him while holding a blank and a blank, pointed straight at his nose.
So.. i hope ur advice. Thanks!
Sincerely,
- Monika, Indonesia

Dear Monika:
Sorry about the blanks.

My advice to you, get as far away from these crazies you call friends before one of them pulls a blank on you, and blank you up. If you need to move to another country since you're surrounded by crazies, MOVE! Just one more thing, they'll send you to prison if they catch you boarding a plane with a blank, so leave it home, alright!

I'm kidding. I know you're not violent, Monika. Just do what I said above, and get away from them. If it's not easy to do, then just be nice until you get your chance to RUN! Take care of yourself, babe.

Best friend made a couple breakup

Dear AL:
My best friend is a wolf. He made a couple breakup (that couple is our juniors). Now the boy make revenge by wrote a sarcasm poetry (titled “Looser” – good – sound like Ace Ventura) and posted it on our school’s bulletin board, make him embarrassed. When we read it (and laughed at it too), my best friend asked me to re-write that poetry (it’s written by hand before), and I made a nice, bling-bling, full of heart and flower, with Kahlil Gibran’ word inside, printout version of that poetry, and I posted it at bulletin board too. But next day when we saw that printout version, he asked my opinion about this problem, and I said “Honestly, you deserve this. You’re really a bastard wolf.” Then he said “You don’t understand me.” And he got angry. Well, that breakup couple is also friends of mine too. Nah, how can I make this situation better or even worse? I’d like to hear your opinion too.

Thanks, AL..

PS: Sorry if my English is bad... I’m Indonesian. hahaha
-- Monika, Indonesia

Dear Monika:
Don't worry about your English, I understood everything. So your best friend is mad at you because of your opinion of what he did to your other friends. Does Bastard Wolf mean asshole?

The best thing you could do right now is to stop calling him bastard wolf, and don't even think about stupid chimp. Drop what he did to your other friends, that's unless he's an evil leopard, then I suggest you get away from him before he morphs into a fathead rhinoceros. I'm just saying.

Our friend is engaged to be married at 17

Dear AL:
HELP! Our friend says she is engaged to be married at 17 and she has a HUGGGEEE “real” ring to prove it. She won’t listen to her best friends when we tell her that this is the biggest mistake of her life. The reason we say this is because her boyfriend is a screw up big time. They have made a whole “plan” to get pregnant just so that they can live together. They have been having sex without a condom for over a month now. And the worst thing is her parents either don’t care, or don’t know. We’ve tried to talk some sense into her but she won’t even reconsider her decision. She says it’s what they want. Is it wrong to not support her? We don’t know what to do. The situation has gotten way out of hand.
-- Lauren, US

Dear Lauren:
I knew a moron like that, and now she's a single parent, while her ex is having sex without a condom in prison for way over a month now. Years!

Anyway, since she wont listen, you can either anonymously tell her parents, or let her learn the hard way, but keep your distance to avoid the drama. Believe me, when she sees how stupid their decision was after the fact, she will drive you nuts complaining and asking for help to change poopy diapers. Don't put up with that shit!

Let her know from the get-go that you don't want to hear any complaints when the going gets rough, and it will. Not only is she giving up the remainder of her teen years to bare a kid for this screw-up, they will both lose their chance to go to college. Her fiancee will have to find work to support them, and with his lack of qualifications due to his age, he'll be flipping burgers at McDonald's, making minimum wage, which might not be enough to pay rent to his parents.

Lauren, go on with your life. If she wants to push a stroller, it's not your problem.

Best friend had an affair with my husband

Dear AL:
Last week my best friend told me that she's been having an affair with my husband for over 3 months. I've asked her why she did this, and she said she was stupid, but wished it never happened because my husband wont leave her alone. Not because she betrayed our friendship, felt bad, or was afraid she would get caught. Asshole wouldn't leave this bitch alone, so she called it quits. She then said sorry, and asked if I could tell him to leave her alone and if I want to go clubbing with her. I was speachless. It's like, hey, I've been fucking your man, you want to help me find more? I just walked away.

The same day after throwing my husband out with the help of my brothers, I bumped into my exfriend at a grocery store, and she told me she will pick me up Friday to go out, so be ready. I was so enraged, when she wasn't looking, I hit her with a bunch of bananas. Should have hit her with the green ones!

She calls me almost everyday trying to appologize for what she done, but I just can't talk. I've destroyed one of my phones because of her. My other friends are helping me through this, just wish this traitor leave me alone. What can I do to get her off my back?
-- Lost for words, Canada

Dear Lost:
You need to speak up. Tell this beotch she can shove her friendship, and if that doesn't work, just keep giving her the finger. Beats attacking her with bananas and other groceries. Think of the money you save.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Schools in! CERN's LHC safety report for the masses

Dear AL:
If you been keeping track of the news, CERN's provided a safety report of the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator, but doom-sayers continue to state it will destroy the world. It's all crazy talk! From micro black holes imploding Earth, to hypothetical Strangelets converting all matter to strange matter in a runaway fusion process.

First off, if the LHC does create micro black holes, they wont gravitate towards the Earths core. They will simply evaporate due to the Hawking Radiation theory, calculated by one of the smartest persons in the world, Stephen Hawking. CERN wouldn't be going through with this experiment if they didn't believe in it. There is no room for 404 (error for you dummies) at CERN.

AL - Stephen Hawking is my hero, even when he errors. But hey, I'm sure his theory is not completely wrong. Go CERN!

Collisions at the LHC is as safe as clapping hands. Those hands (protons) will create pretty hot particles when they collide, more than 100,000 times hotter than the suns core, which is equivalent to the energy produced by a mosquito in flight, so there's nothing to worry about.

AL - Mosquitos... hmm... No crazy talk there.

Cosmic rays have been hitting Earth for billions of years with energy the LHC could never match, and we're still here. Every square centimeter of Earth gets hit by these cosmic rays. You can't twitch a muscle without getting hit. And no micro black holes or whatever have destroyed the world. So these protons speeding towards each other close to light speed till they collide is exactly what's happening in nature, meaning the world will still be here.

AL - Can't twitch a muscle? Dude, if the LHC mimics nature, I have to be moving at light speed. And all this time I've wasted my money at a gym! Stupid me.

With the proof above that the LHC is safe, these doomsday attention whores continue with their fear mongering. CERN is using the LHC to recreate the conditions after the Big Bang to answer a few questions, and they're not going through with this because they spent billions on the machine, or the Nobel prize in physics which they rightly deserve. They're going through with this for the betterment of science, and the facts of their LHC safety report.

Al, I'm not asking for advice, just for you to post this message on your blog to school the masses, that's all. Your thoughts on the matter will be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
-- Dedicated, France

Dear Dedicated:
If you read this far, you know my thoughts on the matter. You sure schooled them!

Hope you don't mind the hyper links I've added to your message. Always back your words up with facts. Have a nice day! :)

He stopped wearing his flag pin

Dear AL:
Since forever everyone where I work have been wearing flag pins, that's up until a few weeks ago. They stopped wearing it like it was out of style. Me and a friend of mine continued to wear it, but he stopped wearing his as of today. What the hell is this country coming too? A true patriot loves his country and the American flag! This is all Obama's fault! What can I do to make them see that by wearing it we would know where their hearts stands when it comes to our country?
-- Joan, New York

Dear Joan:
If you need to wear a flag pin to show your a true patriot, you're a freakin' idiot! Love for your country starts in the heart, not a flag pin, but if you need to be reminded when you look in the mirror, keep yours on. Not everyone is blessed with a functional brain to express their patriotism, so we'll understand.

I dont see us together in the long run

Dear AL:
Should I go out with someone I don't love? He is not a friend, so we only meet for dates. Indeed I enjoyed his company but I don't see us together in the long run. Whereas my family only wants me to consider potential husbands...
-- Yvonne, Sydney, Australia

Dear Yvonne:
Nothing wrong with having a fuck buddy, but don't put your eggs in one basket if you don't see a future with him. I'm not saying to hunt down potential husbands like a desperate old lady, or to stop seeing this guy, just spread the love around and have a good time. Make sure this guy knows right off the bat that you only enjoy his company and nothing more, because he might see a future with you, specially if his family is coaching him on to date potential wives. Don't lead this guy on if he wants more than a peace of ass, because the next thing you know he'll drop to his knees, and it's not to give you head!

Should I blank her with a blank

Dear AL:
I'm annoyed with this bitch who likes to steal the attention of my so-called best friend. Should I blank her with a blank or blank up her entire blank?
-- Allie

Dear Allie:
Sorry about the blanks. There are a lot of copycats out there, and the last thing I want is for them to blank up their life for blanking someone elses.

Look, why don't you stop being such a hater. Maybe that's why this girl is attracting your friends attention. Who wants to be around a miserable bitch who wants to blank? Not me!

I bet you want to blank me now, don't ya? ba-ha!

Would you leave someone who gave you herpes?

Dear AL:
Lets say your significant other gave you genital herpes, but said they didn't know they had it. Would you end your relationship with them?

I'm trying to get as much input as possible.
-- Upset in Seattle

Dear Upset:
Then you don't mind me posting this on Ask500People.
You did ask for extra input.

Look, you got the cootiesand there's nothing you can do about it. It's not going to magically disappear if you leave this person, so why break up? This STD is painful and NASTY, and by staying with this person you wont be passing it on to someone else. Do the right thing.

Sinead O'Connor's "Nothing Compares 2 U" Conspiracy

Dear AL:
Almost every copy of Sinead O'Connor's music video "Nothing Compares 2 U" on YouTube has no audio. Is there some kinda government conspiracy going on here, or is someone slipping me crazy pills?
-- Megan, Idaho

Dear Megan:
No, you're not crazy. They just don't like ya. Specially Shaggy here!
Like to see how they handle this song translated in Sign Language.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, several, 8

Hi AL:
I am a a thirty-fivish man who works in a small office. And even though I never went to college, I pride myself (non-annoyingly) on using words correctly. As I watch my culture crumble around me, I am particularly pained by the carelessness with which certain words are used. And this by so-called educated people. For example, people will say "I have a real dilemma here", but then they go on to describe a situation that does not have "two equally desirable options that are mutually exclusive". What they really find them selves in could be more properly described as a "pickle". But, as I say, I try not to be annoying about it. I just seethe silently, shaking my head at the general ignorance of people. I don't want to be going around wagging my finger at people like some kind of "word cop". I'm not perfect myself (as evidenced by the glaring grammatical errors in this very entry!) But today I find myself in a situation that (I feel) might call for some action. A superior of mine, today requested that I do something (it isn't important to describe what I do here) "several" times. Desiring more specificity (Hey, I'm not here for fun!) I requested that he tell me EXACTLY how many times he wanted me to do this thing. And he (with great frustration) replied "Why, SEVEN times!" I then realized that this man ( both my superior and a few years my elder ) has gotten to this stage in life thinking that "several" means "seven". I feel this is so egregious an error that he must be advised of it. I mean, this is a person on whom I am depending on for my bread and butter. What if he says this in front of a client? It's also undermining my respect for him, eating away at it like a cloud of termites. However, I feel that he will probably react with anger and shame if I bring it up. He's not the sort of person who takes criticism well. The whole thing will probably wind up biting me in the butt. In short, I find myself in a bit of a pickle. Should I say something? If so, how can I do it in a way that does not backfire?
-- blue lanugo, Pasadena CA
www.blue-lanugo.com

Yo Blue:
Personally, I would take this up with your boss before he makes a fool of himself, several times, but if he happens to also think "a few" means "three", kiss your job goodbye. Nobody critiques his vernacular!

When your boss states several to you in front of clients, you now know what he means, so don't worry about it. Take a deep breath, count to severalteen, and you'll be OK. Easy!

Excuse my gramma.

She cheated, but says I'm being unreasonable

Dear AL:
So I found out my wife was having an affair a couple of months ago and I really do not think she understands the impact this has had on me. She says she is sorry and she says she understands but here is a perfect example of why I don't feel she does. I have tried to explain to her how I feel but she says I am being unreasonable. One of us seems to be suffering from a little bit of cognitive dissonance but I am just not too sure if it is her or me.

We live in a pretty small town and about 10 minutes away is another town which is on the water and very popular, touristy, etc. We used to go there to take the dogs for walks in nice weather, for dinner every few months, in fact I proposed to her on the downtown docks on 4th of July about 5 years ago. Well I found out recently that she had been having an affair and it was with a police officer for that small city. She wants to go there for this years 4th of july and I explained to her that I was not necessarly comfortable with this because I do not want us to run into this person. The fact is I wouldn't even know if I were standing next to him and I am sure I would wonder if "that is the guy" with every police office I saw. She has lied to me telling me he no longer works there, which he does. She mentioned that she thinks it is a small chance of running into him, I disagree, it is the 4th of July so I am sure that all will be working. She threw at me that "this is where we got engaged, do you mean we can never go there again"

I don't think she understand how I feel about any of this, especially considering this is where we got engaged! She is making me feel like the bad guy and that I am being ridiculous. She was very upset with me when I tried to explain to her that "I didn't think I felt comfortable going downtown this 4th of July" or really any time for that matter right now.

Am I really being out of line here?
-- Hurt, US

Dear Hurt:
You're not out of line, your cheating wife is, and I hate to break this to ya, she'll probably cheat again, that's if she hasn't hooked up with that towns police force already. Noticed any cuff marks?

Look, who knows if she's still a ho. Just remember, she lied to ya, and doesn't seem to care about your feelings about her adultress past, just what she wants. Tell her again about how you feel, but if she keeps insisting on that town, take her up on it and see how many times her eyes wonder, like she's searching for a badge. If so, it's time to let her go. Don't waste another 5 years of your life with a girl who's interested in someone else. You can do better!

Relationship counseling has been successful in cases of marital infidelity. Bring this up and see if she would like to try it, but if she loses her mind, move on! It will hurt, but not as bad if she brings home Herpes.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

Shesh ist goot, nart Scheiße.

Dear AL:
mei dortta wuans becom singa. sow I helf wef her englisch ba shesh nart shor redy sing shwo ordishon. shesh sagen shesh dars nart no goot song oder shesh goot. shesh ist goot, nart Scheiße für TV. Plies helf.
-- Olga, Germany

Dear Olga:
If your daughter's English is as good as yours, tell her to sing "Ken Lee".

I hope this helped!

They're gonna let me go!

Dear AL:
Since I answered a company questionnaire about the everyday problems of working parents, higher up has been giving me the cold shoulder. Everyday the workload has been getting less and less to the point I have to look for it. My supervisor told me I'm slacking yesterday, the very same man who's been holding work from me the last two weeks stating he's trying to help. And today I found out they're gonna let me go! They set me up!

I've gave this company 200%. Is there anything I can do at this stage?
-- Abby, New York

Dear Abby:
Contact the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission in your area and file charges. Since this company paid you for nothing, they might as well pay you millions while you're kicked back sunbathing behind your new summer home. Maybe that was their plan all along. What a company!

To help you along, I provided below the contact information for the EEOC New York district office. I hope this helped!

33 Whitehall Street
New York, New York 10004

Phone: 1-800-669-4000
Fax: 212-336-3790
TTY: 1-800-669-6820

Director, Spencer H. Lewis, Jr.
Regional Attorney, Elizabeth Grossman

Office Hours: The New York District Office is open Monday-Friday from 8:30 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. Intake hours are Monday - Friday, from 8:30am to 3:00 pm.

Slow me down!

Dear Al,
I have a problem that's driving me crazy. Blogs! I'm working on so many blogs you wouldn't believe, and I keep coming up with new ones. I have 8 now. This juggling act of trying to maintain all my blogs is keeping me up nights, and it's effecting my family, day job, and my weight, but I can't stop. Slow me down!
-- Jennifer, Australia

Dear Jennifer,
Slow yourself down! Sheesh!

Are all these blogs worth hurting your family and job? Both will divorce your ass if you keep this up.

Usually what the problem is is that you're not getting enough sleep, and all those bowls of cornflakes every night. Lay off Kellogg's and your computer for a few days, and once you're well rested and able to think clearly, keep two blogs and delete the rest. I know, easier said than done, but look at it this way, none of your blogs will ever hit it big because you're spread out too thin.

Concentrate on two blogs and the physical world, and everything will be ok. Keep doing what you're doing, and you're gonna be an unemployed lonely lardass with no internet access. Scary, huh?

In the shadow of Natalie Gulbis

Dear AL:
I've been playing golf all my life, and competed against Natalie Gulbis a few times, and wooped her ass. But it's like it never happened! They pat me on the back, and then fall over themselves to congratulate her for participating.

Today it's like I don't exist, even though I'm better at the game. I'm in the shadow of Natalie Gulbis. No one sees me! AL, WTF do I have to do to make them notice?
-- Pissed Off, Somewhere in America

Dear Pissed Off:
Keep doing what you're doing, and I don't mean complaining. Play your heart out, and people will notice.

Ok, Natalie Gulbis is beautiful, but that doesn't translate to a good golfer. All the attention she's getting will effect her game, so beating her again shouldn't be a problem, but that's only if you get her out of your head. Train for the game!

Wax on, wax off... you know.

Lost job due to April Fools' Day prank

Dear AL:
Today I lost my job after pulling an April fools' prank on my boss that was a little over the top. I dropped him an email using an anonymous form online, pretending to be his girlfriend who works here, stating she's breaking up with him, and for him to leave her alone. After reading this email, he charged out of the office, and crashed into a coworker, spilling hot coffee on both of them. Megan, his girlfriend stood up and asked if he was ok, and he shooted back "F--- you bitch! You can keep to yourself!" and charged back into his office. I later then apologized to Megan for what happened, and about an hour later my boss called me into his office, showed me the email, and told me to pack my things. I told him I was sorry, but he just looked at me and said "buh bye darling," and called security.

My boss and Megan patched things up, just wonder how I can. It was a stupid joke, but I really need this job. Is there anything I can say or do to get it back?
-- Brian, Georgia

Yo Brian:
You're joking right? No?

Fool!

Look, mail your boss a new shirt, then call him to plead for your job. If that doesn't work you can take it to the next level, the human resource office, and maybe they can mediate something between you two. If you're a good worker, he can't fire you because of a joke, but since you caused him bodily harm with that hot cup of coffee, and mental anguish between him and his girlfriend, he has a case to get rid of your ass.

It doesn't look good, but you'll be ok. The government still makes cheese!

Can I copy your blogs template?

Dear AL:
I had it at my job. I've been working for a paper forever, 5 years to be exact, and every time when I think I can move up, they bring someone new from the outside. The last guy didn't even had the experience, and I had to train him! Train him how to be a managing editor!

AL, I'm quiting as of today and starting an advice column like yours. Can I copy your blogs template?

April fool's! About the blog part. :)
-- Josh, Minnesota

Yo Josh:
No wonder you didn't get the job, you're a moron.

When you try to pull off an April Fools Day joke, specially in an email, you don't state April fools within the same message as the joke, Beaves.

Now get back to your cubicle, and stop being a chump. You are hired to do a job, not to train someone to be your boss. Remember that!

Had an affair with my best friend's husband

Dear AL:
I had an affair with my best friend's husband two weeks ago, which I'm very sorry about. The way it happened, my best friend Dawn gave me a call and told me she was sick, and asked if I could go to her husbands hangout to keep an eye on him. I did her this favor, and found him playing pool with his friends at this place. He wasn't doing anything wrong when I found him, but since I drank so much, he talked me into slow dancing, and the next thing I know we're kissing. Somehow he ended up at my place and we had sex!

Since then he calls me almost everyday, asking when he could see me again. This past weekend I stayed at a girlfriends house out of fear he would stop by. And earlier today he called, but I let my answering machine pickup while on speaker. He said he loves me!

Al, how do I get out of this? I want to tell my best friend, but I keep wimping out.
-- In Trouble, Canada

Dear Trouble:
Somehow he ended up at your place to have sex? Don't you hate it when that happens?

Look, stop dragging this out, and tell your best friend! She's gona find out sooner or later, specially if her husband keeps calling you. He will slip up guaranteed, or probably tell your best friend that he loves you. And somehow her fist is gona end up in your face. That happens too you know.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful