Blogger 101, Jessica & Trudy

Welcome to another course of Blogger 101!

Today's class we're gona learn about Jessica and Trudy w/The Dancin Booty, two bloggers who haven't posted an entry on their blogs in almost a week! WTF!

Jessica's husband has been gone for almost 3 months, but he's back. I guess she probably squeezed him so tight, she broke her fingers, and thinks she can't blog! But that's no excuse, use your toes!

Trudy's last entry on her blog "Sweet Savory Tart" was a recipe, and her last sentence was "You'll love me for this recipe", Translated "Hope this recipe keeps you fools busy stuffing your faces while I take a break from blogging"! If I eat another Ripe Pear and Crisp Apple with Bleu Cheese, I think I'm gona throw-up! Trudy, get your ass back on the keyboard! Please!

If you want to learn more about these AWOL bloggers, Jessica & Trudy, go visit their blogs, and maybe you'll be my next victim subject for Blogger 101!

No one is laughing!

Dear AL:
I'm a Standup comedian. I've been doing standup at the local improv for the last 3 years since I graduated High School. I use to make some people laugh, but now they mostly look at me like I'm a freakin retard.
I was thinking about going to an improv school, but with my job I can't afford it.

Al, standup is all I know! Have any ideas?
-- Ray, California

Dear Ray:
If you think by going to an improv school it's gona improve your standup, you must really suck! Sit your ass down!

Hope this helped!

I Have a Complex

Dear AL:
Last Thursday one of the most amazing girls I ever known tried to give me a kiss right after I helped her out with a simple math equation, showing her why complex number z is the sum of a real number and an imaginary number in complex waves.

The whole time while I was showing her this easy equation, I was scared she was gonna get a good look at my teeth! Four of my top teeth are so big, that when I close my mouth, you still see them! After about 10 minutes of explaining the equation to her, I saw her look at me kinda funny. She then got closer like she wanted to kiss, but I looked down at my shirt pocket as I put my pencil in it.

Since that day she's always staring at me, so maybe she likes me, or finally noticed my teeth! Why would a beautiful girl like someone like me? Al, I would love to be with her, but I don't feel comfortable with how I look! HELP!
-- Dave, Australia

Dear Dave:
Look, it sounds like she doesn't mind your teeth, and I'm sure you wont chisel her by accident if you kiss her. Take her out on a date, and while you're out explain the equation E=mc2. And when the time is right, and you know she wants it, peck away! Good luck!

I'm Being Sexually Harassed

Dear AL:
For the past month and a half at my new job, my butt ugly supervisor I nicknamed Stinky has been sexually harassing me. At first I thought he was just trying to make me feel at home, since I was new. It all started when I had a problem with my computer, which Stinky offered his help. He leaned over my shoulder with his face to look at my monitor, that we was cheek to cheek. I then heard him sniffing my perfume, and when I got a whif of him, I felt like throwing up! He smells like a smoker who eats horse crap!

He's always walking into my cubicle while I'm working, most of the time sneaking in so he can rub my shoulders, but last week Stinky played with my hair! Everywhere I go, Stinky shows up, and always sits next to me during meetings! He asked me out one time, but I told him I was taken, so he said "a little affair goes a long way", Quid Pro Quo.

Al, what can I do about Stinky? It's bad enough he smells like shit, the man is geting on my nerves!
-- Harrassed, Big-Ass Corporation

Dear Harassed:
Sorry Stinky is doing more than smelling up your airspace, time to set his ass straight! Keep telling him firmly to stop, talk about it with others, while Documenting and keeping copies of dates, times, and witnesses of everything that's happening, emails that are related to the harassment, even if it's anonymous, negative actions that you experience because of your refusal to submit to sexually harassing behavior, poor evaluation, a demotion, or low grade because of your refusal to cooperate with the sexual demands.

Buy yourself one of those tiny voice activated tape recorders, and hide it somewhere close to your computer, or better, wire yourself. Keep copies of the tapes at home. You need as much evidence as possible, specially if Stinky is popular, so they can't take his word over yours and give you the boot, but more than likely they are looking for an excuse to get rid of Funky Ass Breath!

Why do sexual harassers stink? Gallop poll states that 80% of sexual harssers breath smell like poo!Once you collected enough evidence to fry Stinky, go out and buy yourself one of these handy dandy gas masks, and every time mr. Funk Breath walks into your office cubicle, scream "GAS!", and put it on! After a few times of doing this, Stinky should get the picture, or have a heart attack! Then proceed to your companys Human Resource office and file your complaint, just remember to take the mask off!

Visit the Sexual Harassment Support site, that's where I got most of my information. They don't have any advice if the harasser stinks, but I got you covered!

I have this problem

Dear Al:
I have recently found a new blog that I love to read. The guy that writes it is very funny, witty, sweet and a little crass. Now, don't get me wrong, crass makes me laugh, it always has. But that's not my problem. My problem is, I am SURE I know this guy from somewhere. He writes under a pseudonym but I have the strongest sense that I know him from another blog and under another pseudonym. I have been a loyal fan of his other blog for a long time now... I love this guy. Anyway, I feel like I must know if they are one and the same person. I have a curiosity stronger than any cat I have ever met. It is driving me to distraction. All areas of my life are suffering now that I think I have made this connection. I mean, I can't sleep at night, I forget to cook for my kids and husband, I can't concentrate long enough to get the house work done, I can't manage to get the kids to do their homework... really, my life is falling apart now. I MUST KNOW!!

What should I do Al? I think my husband is at the end of his patience with me - I could lose everything I have worked so hard to achieve in life!! Can you help? I have nowhere else to turn!
-- Amber,

Dear Amber:
If the blogger in question writes under a pseudonym, chances are he may not admit to being the other blogger, if he is the other blogger.
Maybe this blogger needs time before he admits to the other pseudonym, and if he doesn't, he's an arse! You could videotape yourself playing the bagpipes for him, I hear it sometimes works, or gets your IP banned.

Until then, to solve the other problems in your life, take sleeping pills, make cornflakes for the family (morning, day, and night), hire a maid, withhold allowance if your children don't do their homework, and
Google Bomb the blogger in question with something nasty, if he doesn't give in! Hope this helped!

Blog has an email form!

I just added an email form to my blogs sidebar, so you don't have to login to your email account to write me!
You lazy people, you!

It's a simple form, all I'm asking for is your name (real or fake), your location or Blog URL, and your message. So, if there's anything bothering you, like a dumbass boss, a secret love, or hives on your ass, WRITE ME!

Blogger 101, Amber & Ramblings

Welcome to another course of Blogger 101!

Today readers we're gona learn about Amber.

Amber is a stay at home mom, mother of 4 beautiful children, married to a silver haired Scotsman, so you know she can play a mean bagpipe!

Amber is frightened of mice, and more so of rats, but loves to watch lightning! Go figure?

She's very opinionated, straightforward, so if you screw up playing the bagpipes, she'll let you know, and them some!

My next subject is Ramblings.

Ramblings is also a stay at home mom, a mother of 1 daughter, not sure if she's married to a Scotsman, so she probably doesn't play the bagpipes, which is good because Amber would be all over her!

Currently, Ramblings is suffering from a major case of Hives on her arse, since she made the mistake of sleeping on her heating-pad turned on high a few nights ago, which makes the name of her blog fit her to a T, Ramblings of the Insane!

If you want to learn more about Amber, or Ramblings, go visit their blogs, and maybe you'll be my next victim subject for Blogger 101!

Note: I'm picking Bloggers in the order of when they first commented on my blog, for the nut who keeps emailing me asking about how it works. If you visit Blogger 101 Bloggers, there's a good chance they will visit your blogs, and wouldn't it be nice if they visited your blog when your my next subject here? Happy George?!

Can't Stand FIRST Posters!

Dear Al:
What is it with people who's only interest in posting a comment is to be the first one to post it? It makes me nuts when I read these comments with just the word "First!" on popular blogs, or any blog.
Nobody cares if you're first, just stick with the subject! Second and third posters make me sick to!
-- Chuck, Canada

Dear Chuck:
Sounds like you're upset because you wasn't first. Am I right? Well guess what, you're not gona be the first commenter here either! Ba-ha!

Friends, don't let me down!

My Husband and the Babsitter

Dear Al:
I am married to my husband for over 7 years, and we never had any problems up until now. Shortly after we hired our neighbors 20 year old daughter to babsit our two children, I caught her performing oral sex on my husband! I immediately fired her and told my husband that he has 3 days to find a new place! He then told me he was sorry and asked for my forgiveness, so I gave him a second chance, and he rehired our neighbors daughter to babsit again.

Did I do the right thing?
-- Confused, Tennessee

Dear Confused:
Babsit? Ok readers, I'm gona let this mistake slide, but it would've been good!

Anyway, if I was in your shoes, I would have kicked his ass to the curb from the start! And if he begs to come back, I would give him the option to walk and quack like a duck for 3 hours everyday, up and down the neighborhood for a whole week, or divorce! I made a fool of myself one time, and he can too!

Your husband is not sorry for what he did, or that tramp wouldn't be in your house! Fire her ass again, tell him to pull his head out of his ass, and if he starts bitching, you know what to do! Good luck!

An Apology To My Readers

Please forgive me! Oh please, please forgive me! So what do you say, you forgive me? No? Then screw you!From the responses on my blog, or lack of from a few on my blogroll on 2 entries before this one, and the anonymous hate emails I've recieved from male readers "Jonathan?" in response to my post before this one, I ruffled quite a few feathers, and I'm sorry.

Tracy, I'm sorry about my cruel jokes. Your avatar is cute, big eyed and all, and I would love to see her in my blog comments. I think I'll survive!

Jonathan, I'm sorry if I offended you with my jokes, and for calling you a dork. You didn't ask for my advice, but I was only trying to help.
I wish you luck with your son, and good luck with getting intouch with Dear Abby!

To show you how sincere I am, Jonathan, I present to you for your viewing pleasure the famous Balopsy Twins! By viewing this video, it will help feed the skinny one in shorts!

Am I the man, or what?!!!

Why doesn't Dear Abby give me advice?

Don't you ever, I mean ever ask me about dear abby!Dear AL:
For the last few weeks I've been writting Dear Abby about a problem, but she's hasn't gave me any advice! My sons girlfriend moved into our place, and I told him that it's not a good idea, but he brushed me off with a laugh. At first it didn't look like it was gona be a problem, until I came home one day and caught my son and her smoking weed in the livingroom while playing a game on the TV, throwing chips at each other. I then told them to clean up their mess, and to stop smoking weed, but he laughed at me, called me a Dork, and went to his room.

I don't appreciate my son talking to me like that, and the fact that Dear Abby is not repsonding. My son and his girlfriend think I'm stupid asking for advice, but I don't care!

Any ideas on how to get Dear Abby's attention? This is serious!
-- John, Idaho

Dear John:
You seriously want me to help you get intouch with Dear Abby? Are you on Crack?!!! Don't make me call you a Dork!

I don't know your situation, if you're disabled or not, but your son is living under your roof, not the other way around!

No warnings! When your son is not around, grab all his shit, and his girlfriends, and throw it out! You sound like you might need a little help, so ask your friends for assistance. Then have a BBQ with your friends, and enjoy the look on your son's and girlfriends faces as they discover their Playstation asses are out in the street! Good luck!

Could You Install Haloscan Comments?

Dear AL:
First I have to say that I love your blog! Your hilarious posts have me and my friends rolling on the floor!
When are you gona install Haloscan Comments on your blog? I prefer to comment on your blog using Haloscan, specially since I have a cute Gravatar that shows in it. Isn't she the cutest little thing you ever saw?

I think Blogger comments is great, but it would be also great if you also install Haloscan comments too!

So, what do you say?
-- Tracy, Canada

Dear Tracy:
***PUKE*** You are never gona see your Gravatar Avatar on my blog!

Serious, Gravatar is a great service, I have an account with them, but the reason why I wont install Haloscan comments is because they disappear after 60 days. I treasure comments left on my blog, and there is no way I'm gona allow Haloscan delete them so they can save server space/resources.

Every blog I came across that had Haloscan installed that I commented on, I discovered that comments older than 60 days were missing when I checked the bloggers archives, like I never posted a comment!
Maybe they should change their name to Hollowscan!

Anyway, Tracy, you can still see your Avatar on my blog if you just simply get a Blogger account, just warn me when you do so I can gouge my eyes out!

Blogger 101, Balls & Eastern Butterfly

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Welcome to another class of Blogger 101!

Today we're gona learn about Balls, not mine.

Balls is an Marine Engineer from the blog
Plan B, and the last post on his blog
"seems like yesterday", wasn't written yesterday, but 3 days ago!

Like our dear President, Balls takes lots of breaks, but he'll be blogging again soon.
So be on the look out for his posted entry "Seems like yesterday that I wrote the post Seems Like Yesterday, but it wasn't"

My next subject is Eastern Butterfly.

Eastern Butterfly complains about everything under the sun, so you bet her husband has some stories to tell!

Eastern Butterfly, like Balls... No, I did not mean she likes balls, she just like the blogger Balls, who's one of my first commentors on my blog!
I wont be able to continue this course if your minds are thinking in the gutter, people!

Anyway, she just discovered that she had an anonymous visitor to her blog, but her NeoCOUNTER can't detect this persons country. I make a bet it was Balls playing around, but not with his balls! OK!

If you want to learn more about Eastern Butterfly, or Balls (The blogger, people!), go visit their blogs, and maybe you'll be my next victim subject for Blogger 101!

Underwear Streaks Making Me Sick!

underwear streaks, this is one funky assDear AL:
I'm a mother of 3 beautiful children, and one funky ass husband! I don't ask for much out of life, take care of everybody and the house, but these streaks in my husbands underwear is getting on my f-ing nerves! I can't take this shit anymore!

I've told him a million times to clean his ass good, to use the whole damn roll of toilet paper if he has to, and he says he does, but he's full of shit!
I mean come on, how hard is it to wipe your ass? It's not rocket science!

Al, I know you're gona have a field day with this email, but I don't care!
If you can help me solve this problem with the streaks in my husbands underwear, I'll do your laundry! His shit is driving me crazy!

You're a guy, and I'm sure you shit your shorts before, what did you do to solve this problem?
-- Loraine, Bronx, New York

Dear Loraine:
No comment!

Wife is in a Redneck Women Video

Dear AL:
Last weekend my wife discovered that she's in a hilarious video on YouTube about Redneck Women, but she's not laughing! I told her not to worry about it, since not many people have seen it, but she's not listening. Could you please help me with my wife?
-- Joe, Kentucky

Dear Joe:
Are you talking about this video?

If your wife is the first redneck or the last redneck in that video, I feel for you!

The video plays fast, so nobody will be able to pin her to it, unless she keeps complaining about it like a parrot. She'll be ok, just give her a cracker!

Backyard Litter Box

The little stray bastard that peed on Ben's shoes, soon to be pissing on wifey's! Mhua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!Dear Al:
My garden has a pest problem, the neighborhood cats! They turned my garden into their personal litter box! I've tried every trick in the book to repel them, spent hundreds of dollars on various repellents, but they keep coming back. Part of the problem is that my wife likes these cats, because she regularly feeds them when we should be stomping their little heads!

Today after I discovered that a cat peed on my sneakers, since I left them on my terrace, I decided to take them out once and for all, with my sons b-b gun from our second floor window, but my wife foiled my plans when she caught me setting up. If you have any ideas on how to repel these pests, I would greatly appreciate it!

Dear Ben:
First off, violence never solves anything. How would you like it if one of those cats stomped on your head? It wouldn't feel good now, would it?

Anyway, I had the same problem a few years back, but I discovered a fullproof way to repel these little stray bastards. First become friendly with them, feed them a few times, and when they get use to you, looking up at you waiting to be fed, pee on them. The last person I gave these instructions peed his pants, so make sure you follow each step carefully. Nothing is worse than having the neighborhood cats thinking you're a moron, then you will never get rid of them!

To solve the problem with your wife feeding these pests, wait until she has a stuffed up nose, then put her shoes on the terrace over the weekend so the cats can piss on them, and place them back so she wears them to work Monday morning. Works every time! But if it doesn't work this time, and you find your ass out in the street, write Dear Abby.

Good luck!

Blogger 101, Dawn (aka Webmiztris)

Today readers we're gona learn about
Dawn (aka Webmiztris).

Dawn is a friend, a very beautiful unrefined sarcastic blogger, that when she states
"I doubt he say it go in", you better believe it! Because when she doubts he say it, she doubts he say it! That's how it's gona be, no corrections!

No... no... Dawn is not handicap! She just doubts he say it go in, that's all!

If you want to learn more about Dawn, and what she doubts he say,
go visit her blog! But be careful, Dawn could rub off on ya, then you be doubting he say it too!

Dawn's Blog: Tiny Voices In My Head <--Explains everything, but visit her anyway, and maybe you'll be my next victim subject for Blogger 101!

Goo-goo-head husband using baby talk!

baby talk, goo-gooDear Al:
My husband insists on using baby talk with our 9 month old daughter, and he sounds like a freakin idiot! But what bothers me the most is that my daughter is repeating the same crap, which means that if my husband would talk normal with her, our daughter would know a alot of words by now! When my daughter talks with his baby talk, she thinks it really means something, which is so cute, but also pisses me off!

Yesterday morning I tried to show him what Dear Abby and some of her readers had to say about this in our local newspaper, but he said he didn't care, and went all Googly on me!

Al, what can I do about my husband?
-- Nicole, Aviano Air Base, Italy

Dear Nicole:
Try talking to your husband using his baby talk for a week, and maybe he will get the picture, or have you commited. Either way you wont hear his baby talk anymore, and if your daughter turns into a permanent Goo-Goo-Head, she could run for President!

Who's So Vain?

You're So Vain, by Carly SimonDear Al:
I've been racking my brains on this forever, so I hope you can help me on this one! Who is Carly Simon referring to in the song "You're So Vain"? The song came out in 1973 right after Simon married James Taylor, but she had been involved with Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger, Cat Stevens, and Kris Kristofferson before her marriage.

At first like many people I thought the song was about Warren Beatty, but then I discovered that Mick Jagger was singing in the background, but I thought that would be to easy. Why would she create a song with Mick Jagger singing in the background if it was about him? I don't know much about Kris Krsitofferson, but I just can't see Cat Stevens being Vain, unless he's good at secluding it.
So tell me, from the people mentioned above, who was Carly referring to in her song "You're So Vain"?
-- Kim, Rivedale, New York City

Dear Kim:
I promised Carly not to say a word, but since your in desperate need to know, I'll tell you. Carly was singing about me! You see, me and Carly were friends in 1972, and since I was just a toddler, I wasn't gona get tied down at that young age. So I told Carly "Listen babe, this is not gona work, plus I know you're making a song about me". But she didn't say a word, just gave me that big grin of hers, so I knew I was right!

Now promise not to tell anybody what I just told you, it's a secret!

Jules Meme Stopper

Dear AL:
About 2 to 3 times a week my blog friends tag me to do their Meme's, or Meme's they find on the internet, and it's getting on my nerves! I can understand if they decide to do a Meme because they find it fun, or have nothing to post, but why do they have to drag me and others into doing them? I've been a good egg and done everyone I've been tagged to do, but I had enough!

How can I tell my friends to remove me from their Meme tag hit list? Please don't add my URL to this post, some of my readers might find it.
-- Trudy, Alabama

Dear Trudy:
Why don't you tell your friends to stop tagging you? If that's a problem then post this Jules Meme Stopper I created on your blog, the code is below it for you to copy.

jules meme stopperThe path of the righteous is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of Memes. Blessed are they who in the name of common sense and goodwill, keep these damn Memes to themselves, for they are truly their brother's keeper and a finder of lost brain cells. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to tag me with a freakin Meme!

Cut and paste this code into your post:

If you want to make sure your friends don't forget, add this Jules Meme Stopper on your blogs sidepanel:

I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to tag me with a Damn Meme!

Cut and paste this code into your blogs sidepanel:

This should solve everybody's problem, but if not, go Pulp Fiction on their arse!

*** Nonviolent Meme Stoppers coming soon! ***