Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?

Dear Al:
I just quit smoking a day ago, and I'm going nuts! I can't think, I'm very moody, my heads hurting right now, and I feel like I'm gona throw up! Me and my husband want to have a baby right now, but why is it so hard for me to quit this time? The last time I quit wasn't this bad!

Al, tell me freakin something to keep me from smoking again! This shit fuckin sucks!
-- Diane, Los Angeles

Dear Diane:
It's gona kill ya, and harm your baby! You know this, so don't be a butthead and start that shit up again! Cigarettes kill more Americans than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide, and illegal drugs combined! Each year, about 438,000 people die in the US from tobacco use. Smoking is associated with reduced fertility and a higher risk of miscarriage, early delivery (prematurity), stillbirth, infant death, and is a cause of low birth weight in infants. It has also been linked to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

American Cancer Society: "Cigarette Smoking"

The reason why it's so hard to quit smoking this time around is because the Tobacco Companies secretly added 10 to 20 percent more nicotine to their cigarettes. Don't you just love them? Smokers who choose "light" brands hoping to reduce their nicotine intake are out of luck. According to a recent report, there was no significant difference in the total nicotine delivered between "full flavor," "medium," "light," or "ultra-light" cigarettes.

LA Times: "Cigarettes Packing More Nicotine, Report Shows"
New York Times: "Raising Nicotine Doses, on the Sly"
Massachusetts Department of Health: "Nicotine in cigarettes increases"

is more toxic and addictive than Cocain. 40–60 mg of nicotine is a lethal dosage for adults, which makes it 16-25 times more deadly than Cocain, which has a lethal dose at 1000 mg.

Wikipedia: "Nicotine"

Smoking will eventually make you look worse than the girl in the post before this one! Had enough?

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I Can't Stand My Mom's Husband!

Hey Al:
I wanna go visit my mom but I seriously can't stand her husband. He lives there, of course, and he's always home. So, if I wanna spend some time driving all the way up there to go visit my mom in person, I have to deal with him too. I really can't stand the guy so I stay away and just call my mom on the phone. What would you do in this situation?
-- Paul, cyberspace

Yo Paul:
If you haven't already, talk to your Mom. Let her know how you feel.
You could invite her over, just she might bring baggage along, which could work to your advantage if you play your cards right. Have a friend pretend to be your live in disgusting girlfriend, to include burping, farting, and whatever it takes that when you invite your Mom over again, she'll come alone. Let your Mom in on your plans so she wont get sick.
I hope this helped!

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Slowly Girls Are Getting Turned Off By Me!

Dear Al:
I'm addicted to online dating, doing it since I started Rumschpringe, my rite of passage into the Amish life, but slowly the girls are getting more and more turned off by me!
The last girl I was suppose to meet at a park for a date, picked up her things as soon as she saw me, and started to walk away. When I called her name, she ran! You know how embarassing that was? I almost crushed my hat!

Since then I'm spending a few extra hours a night online to find the perfect woman, so I don't have to go through that again. Do you have any advice? -- Brother Garb, Intercourse, PA

Dear Garb:
Loose those black clothes, fuckin' shave, and stop calling yourself brother, or I'll crush your hat!

is your time to cut loose, specially if you live in a town called Intercourse! You should be fuckin' everybody, with a hat of course, but not the one on your head!

Just kidding, you know! Last thing you want to catch is an STD, because no one will baptize your ass with a ten foot pole!

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Why Didn't The Emmy Awards Pull The Plane Crash Skit?

Dear Al:
I just can't believe it! As of last night I will no longer watch the Conan O'Brien show! That dumbass played in a skit on the Emmy awards show where he's involved in a plane crash, hours after an actual plane crash in Kentucky killing all aboard! Why didn't the Emmy awards show executive producer, Ken Ehrlich, pull the plane crash skit?

Al, what the fuck is wrong with these people at NBC?
-- Joe, Lexington, Kentucky

Dear Joe:
Fuckin' NBC has to make a buck somehow, and what better way than to air a skit on the Emmy awards involving a plane crash, right after an actual plane crash!

I'm sure Conan O'Brien would have pulled the prerecorded skit from being aired if he could, but he's not the one producing the show.

Ken EhrDICK (Producer), you've done a heck of a job! Hope it's your last!

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When Should Girls Offer To Pay On A First Date?

Dear Al:
I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm embarrassed to ask my friend this:

When should girls offer to pay on a first date?
--Verrgin Geek =P , Australia

Dear Verrgin:
Not today... not tomorrow... Never! Guys want to pick up the tab, and by you insisting on paying, a guy will take this as a sign that you're not interested in them, or you're retarded. Most females who lose interest in a guy, pay, so they don't feel like they used them. So don't you ever offer to pay, unless you're in a tight relationship with someone.
Hopefully not another Kevin Federline!

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She's Always On Top!

Dear Al:
I love my girlfriend to death, but she wont try anything different when it comes to sex!
I want to bang her doggy style, do the 69er, fuck her in the ass, and do the flapjack!
But she wont budge! She's always on top!
She mostly loves riding me while I'm laying on the floor, but my ass can't take that shit anymore! She broke my tailbone!

Al, as of today, I'm wearing the pants in our relationship! I'm gona be on top from here on out! Any ideas how to get there?
-- Ron, Melbourne, Australia

Dear Ron:
If your wife doesn't own a dildo, you might have a chance to get on top!

Or maybe not!

Look... Talk to her, let her know how your ass feels! If she still wont let you get on top, tell her she can ride you as long as you're laying on a bed. If she still wont compromise, grab the nearest dildo! Good luck!

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Jason Goldman of Blogger visits Coalinga State Hospital. Will they ever let him out?

Blogger just turned 7 years old in dog years, according to Jason Goldman. "Oh, the birthday logo is a dog because of that whole "1 human year = 7 dog year" thing. And there should be more dogs in birthday hats, don'cha think?" said Jason, shortly before being escorted away by two nice men in white.

"Jason told us that he has to buy a cake for his dog," said Freddy, male nurse. "I asked him what's his dogs name, and he said Blogger", "After looking at my coworker, we straight-jacketed him"

"We're not sure how long Jason is gona stay here," said a doctor from Coalinga State Hospital, "His obsession with wanting to feed Blogger is very troubling!"

"Don't know exactly why I'm here," said Jason. "Just hope they have access to the internet, I have to walk Blogger", "Did you know Blogger is 1 year old today in human years?"

Medical staff quickly escorted Jason to the electric shock therapy room.

Update: Aug 25 - Jason Goldman, Product Manager of Blogger, escaped Coalinga State Hospital, shortly after taking his medication Thursday night. Investigators from San Francisco police department questioned Eric Case of Blogger, after reading his post on the blog Blogger Buzz, which states Jason simply resigned, when in truth he was taken to a looney bin, Coalinga.

"I'm not sure where Jason is, I thought he just quit," Said Eric, "His parking space is mine!"

Eric's cover-up post: " So long, and thanks for all the ___!"

Jason's last blog post before being commited: "For The Love Of B"

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He Wants To Keep His Options Open

Dear Al:
I am dating this guy for over a year and he wants to be able to come and go as he pleases. He doesn't want to be able to be told what to do. He has a lot of female friends and wants to be able to have them over no matter what time of day it is. They have been over his house even past 12 midnight. I'm not aware of this ahead of time, I just call and he mentions it. He says I'm acting ridiculous when I react. He never wanted to compromise with anything because he felt he would lose his identity. Lately he has been compromising with some things. We did break up briefly and got back together but he said "he wants to keep his options open" -- is he just using me until something better comes along? Or what he perceives as something better? I am still intimate with him. Should I stop? What's your opinion of this guy?
-- Christine, Philadelphia

Dear Christine:
Should I stop? WAKE-UP!!!

He tells you he wants to keep his options open, and your like "duh... okay, honey!"

This Player doesn't give a shit about you! You're just someone he has on the side when he's unable to get laid somewhere else. He's gona screw a girl carrying an STD and pass it on to you, that's if he hasn't already done so!

First step, dump his ass and don't look back! Second, get yourself checked out! Third, stop being so needy! Learn to be alone, forget about guys for a while, and just hangout with your girlfriends. Respect yourself, and the next guy will respect you!

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Caught My Son Having Cybersex!

Dear AL:
One of the worst things in the world I never thought could happen happened tonight in my home! I caught my 18 year old son having cybersex! I walked into his bedroom to say goodnight, and there he was playing with himself in front of his webcam! He quickly put his penis away and turned off his computer, and I walked out in shock!

I don't know who was on the other end, just hope it wasn't a guy! Should I pretend like I didn't see anything?
-- Jolted in Seattle

Dear Jolted:
I'm sure it's not Michael Jackson on the other end, so don't worry. It's the best protection against STD's and he's not playing with someone else's flute. Everything will be ok... It could've been worse.

My Wifes Scheme, Candy Cigarettes

Dear AL:
My wife constantly buys our youngest candy cigarettes, like what she did with our daughter who is now an addicted teenage smoker! My wife tells me it's harmless, but I figured out her sick scheme, bum off cigarettes from our kids! Yep, that's what she's been doing with our teenage daughter while pretending to have quit! Everyday my wife disappears to my daughters room for a smoke! I caught her dozens of times! Since our daughter announced two weeks ago that she's moving out, my wife has been buying our son two packs of these cigarrette candies a day! WTF!

Al, I'm thinking about getting a divorce if ass breath doesn't cut this shit out! Help!
-- Kevin, Texas

Dear Kevin:
Ass breath... I mean your wife is one sick bitch! Don't just think about it, threaten her with divorce and custody of your son if she doesn't stop buying these candies! Tell her to seek help, like a good shrink, and take your son to a dentist, pronto!

The American Cancer Society "Kick the Habit" info recommends the following suggestions to smokers on their quiting day:

* Do not smoke. "Like, no duh!"
* Get rid of all cigarettes, lighters, ashtrays, and any other items related to smoking.
* Keep active—try walking, exercising, or doing other activities or hobbies.
* Drink lots of water and juices.
* Begin using nicotine replacement if that is your choice.
* Attend stop smoking class or start following a self-help plan.
* Avoid situations where the urge to smoke is strong.
* Reduce or avoid alcohol.

I hope this helped!

New Blogger in Beta, Pros and One Con.

If you haven't heard, Blogger is doing a Beta run of new features, drag & drop WYSIWYG template editor, labeling posts by category, privatizing your blogs, and dynamic "on the fly" serving of blog content, which means no more long waits when you publish a post or update your blogs template! Calm down people! Calm down!

Before you ask the question how to switch your blogger account to this new service, there's a few Cons you need to know. I checked out a few blogs that made the switch, and their comments are buggy, works when it wants to work. Users who have not switched to Blogger in beta will not be able to login to comment on blogs that have been switched, but commenting using the "anonymous" or "other" options still work. So if you made the switch to Blogger in Beta, you wont see your blogfriends profile images anymore in your comments, but if they write you using "other", how do you know it's really them and not some sicko pretending to be them? Major Con in my book if you ask me! The above has been resolved! Go Blogger!

From what I read on several blogs who have made the switch to Blogger in Beta, you can no longer edit the template manually, only with the WYSIWYG template editor. Does this mean you can't add plugins like your blogrolling blogroll, or use offline posting tools like Qumana for your blogs, or updating through Photobucket to post videos and pictures? Don't know! But John over at Freshblog informed me that manual template editing in beta is apparently coming within days!

Hey, this is my 100th post! The drinks are on you!

Didn't Make The Cut

Dear Al:
Yesterday was tryouts for our community flag football team, but I didn't make the cut. I've been playing this game for ages!
I'm a pro! I did make the mistake of tackling a player during the tryouts, but that can happen to anybody when you're all souped-up! Any idea how I can get these kids to change their minds?
-- Jenkins, New York

Dear Jenkins:
Kids? You must be older than dirt! There's only so many players a team can have on their roster, and if they have their players you're out of luck. Your best bet is to attend the games, because you never know when they might be short a player, then that's your chance to fill in. Just remember one thing, there is no tackling in flag football, at least the way I play it, but if you want an early retirement, keep it up!

Boyfriend Doesn't Respect Me In The Slightest

Dear AL:
ok..so where do i start??...i know ur a common guy awnsering this so im not expecting a miricle just maybe a round about awnser on what my man may be thinking....
im 22 and have a four yr old son...i started seeing my bout 2 and half yrs ago..when we were five months going out he did the dirty on me(ie he cheated(only kissing and gropping))...then after forgiving him i decided to forgive him and we were like any other couple with the usual arguments untill lately...my son was diagnosed with mild autism last september and may i stress very very mild...my boyf has been great...he can be tough on my son but i know he loves him so so much and i know my son adores him to bits...but the problem is that my boyfriend doesnt respect me in the slightest...hed prefer to leave me at home when he goes out... will come to visit me when ever it pleases him and it doesnt matter what i say..maybe its me to oand i will accept some of the blame i can be a bit clingy and i will admit to that but it just seems to me that hes having his cake and eatin it at the same time if you know what i mean... hes said to me so many times after bein together 2 and half years that hes movin to america when he finishes his apprentiship to become an electritian...so i really wonder will he leave me or is this a self esteem issue for him and is he just trying to make himself feel better...please reply...desperatly seeking advice xxx
-- Shauna, Dublin, Ireland

Dear Shauna:
Your man is thinking that he found himself a sucker! Sorry, but someone has to tell you like it is!

He's tough on your son and you allow this, goes out on his own all the time, then scares you stating he's gona leave, so you cling to him like he's the last guy on earth. When the opportunity presents itself, he will leave you, that's for sure. He's only looking out for #1, himself! You are nothing but a doormat to him!

Shauna, you are wasting your time. Think about your future, your sons well being! There are alot of nice fun guys out there, but you will never meet them if you don't drop this bum! You can try talking to him, but more than likely he's gona tell you what you want to hear, or threaten to leave for the states like before, then pull the same bullshit with you all over again! He's playing games with your head, time you pulled the plug!
I hope this helped! Take care of yourself and your son!

My site shares the same server as Joe Lieberman's!

Dear Al:
My site shares the same server as Joe Lieberman's! Why can't Ned Lamont play fair? This DOS attack of his is not only hurting Lieberman, but it's also hurting mines!

myHOSTCAMP.com is a great service! I've been with them for over 2 weeks! Not one time have they went down until recently!

Deep down I know Ned Lamont is a closet Republican that Bush is trying to get elected! He has everyone fooled! Joe was agains't everything about Bush, except the war because he was kissing his ass, but that wasn't enough, so Bush kissed him back to ruin his chances in keeping his Senate seat! Ned is going to all lengths, including attacking Joe's site, which is also an attack on myHOSTCAMP.com!

Al, what's your take on this? Can I sue Ned?
-- Jannis, Use to be online

Dear Jannis:
Whoa! That was deep!

You truly believe Ned Lamont is a closet Republican like wannabe Joe? Did you forget to take your medication?

How can you judge a webhost if you only been with them for only two weeks, Georgette? myHOSTCAMP.com and your site are down because Joe Lieberman's site exceeded it's bandwidth on an overcrowded server. You can read more about this on the Daily Kos homepage.

You have a better chance at suing Joe than Ned, unless you're retarded. Have a nice day!

Update: After reading Mr. Bob Dobolina comment on Wonkette, I did a little research and discovered that myHOSTCAMP.com is a reseller for The Planet. Like Joe Lieberman, Jannis, you're hosting your site with a business that's hosted on another webhost! LOL!

Working Two Girls, How Do I Play This?

Yo Al:
I'm currenly seein two girls, my wife and her best friend. Her best friend wants me to spend more time wit her, but my wife is so needy dat I barely have time to see myself in a mirror. How can I work both of dem witout gettin caught? I Can't afford a divorce right now!

I only want an answer how to play dis, not how fucked up you might dink dis is. Danks!
-- Terrence, Komton, CA

Dear Terrence:

Message from your wife (edited for decency):

You muddafudin cheating piece of shit! I show you Al's blog and your illiterate crack ass writes him for advice? I'm a regular here you fuckin dumbass! You have one hour to pack your bags before I clock your ass with my wiffle bat! Tell my dear friend "the ho" to keep her distance or I'll clock her ass too!

We live in Compton, not Komton!
-- Tamara, Compton, CA

You tell him, Tamara!