Should I Change My Dream, Or Not?

Dear Al:
It has come to my attention, finally, that not having arms can complicate my dreams of becoming a professional volleyball player. The real problem lies that I'm always late for practice because I spend a lot of time tying my shoes, you know, being blind and all, can be troublesome sometimes. When I’m at practice, some of the guys in my team always say I’m not a "team player". They get angry at me because when they ask for some Gatorade I never deliver on time but they don’t understand that without legs, it’s difficult to carry the Gatorade around! If it’s any consolation, I’m only deaf in one ear, so I usually hear them calling out for their beloved Gatorade.

So my question is, should I change my dream of being a professional volleyball player, or should I switch to my other dream, water polo?

Thanks for the help, please allow 5-10 days for a reply because typing with my nipples can be a little tiresome.
-- Bob S. Herplis, http://www.nukesandcandy.com

Dear Bob:
Look... to play volleyball requires alot of jumping, which might be a problem for you, and you can forget water polo! Sorry!

Ever thought about playing Soccer?
If the Black Knight can do it, so can you!

If any of your teammates complain about you being late again... bite-em!

Is Firefox Playing Big Brother?

Dear Al:
Every now and then when I delete my Temporary Internet files after being on the internet for about 15 minutes, System Mechanic finds and erases between 3 to 4GB of these temporary internet files! Where are all these files coming from? All this started right after I upgraded my Firefox browser to the latest version. My firewall (Zonealarm) blocks all programs trying to access the internet except Firefox, is Firefox uploading files to my computer? Is this a security flaw, or is Firefox playing Big Brother?
-- Katja, Germany

Dear Katja:
It's probably Firefox. By default, Firefox updates it's self, but you can manually turn that off under options if you're not comfortable with it. Talk to your husband about the 3 to 4GB's of temporary internet files. God help you if he has a thing for Carrot Top!

If you're also using Bill Gate's crapy Internet Explorer, that could be the problem. To see if it is, make the Internet Explorer your default browser for a few days, and if you're still having the same problem, then you found the culprit! Make Firefox your default browser, block the Internet Explorers access to the internet with Zonealarm, and that should do it.

If you're still having the same problem after that, I have nothing else to say except YOU'RE SCREWED!

You're No Dear To Me!

Al, who the heck do u think u are anyway?
U are no Dear to me.
If it haven't been for me it hadn't be any happy eastern to celebrate.
-- JudasOnline, Norway

Dear Judas:
Waah!

Love your English by the way... George!

I Have A Big Problem!

Dear Al:
A few days ago I woke up and realized there was something hard in my boxer shorts. I tried to ignore it and a few minutes later it went away. Since then I was afraid of getting this thing again. Today in school I saw a very pretty girl and suddenly I had the feeling that my trousers were too tight. I nearly started to cry, because I din´t know what was going on. here in Germany exists a magazin called "Bravo", which has got an extra part about sexuality. It´s called " Dr. Sommer Team". An inner voice told me to ask the team around Dr. Sommer for help. But I´m too afraid they print my letter in there magazin and everyone in school loughes about me. So I´m searching the anonymity of the I-Net and I´m asking you for help. What can I do against that hard thing? but the most important question is: What the hell is that thing in my boxer shorts?

Peace for the world says Friedel and wishes Al a great day.
-- Friedel, Germany, Sankt Augustin

Dear Friedel:
Sounds like you have a serious case of Bratwurst! You need to seek a professional to have it surgically removed, then visit the town hall to change your name to Frieda. I hope this helped!

Say if I Quit Chips And Coke

Dear Al:
Your solutions are crass - but funny and makes so much sense lol.

I'm so sick of being overweight and not having a life, but I'm food greedy and keep eating junk at home--> especially to CELEBRATE a weight loss X(

Say if this guy liked me now and we get along, would he ask me out after I quit chips and coke and glamour up? I duno... shout at me Al.
-- yo-yo dieter, Sidney, Australia

Dear Yo-Yo Dieter:
Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Did that help? No?

Look, you might have a chance with him right now! Quit the junkfood for yourself, not to attract this guy. Consult your doctor before you start any weight loss program, diets, or workout. I hope this helped!

How To Write A Girl

Dear Al:
I've been wondering why girls are such a pain? I love one girl, but she just never gonna accept me. Once I messaged her this "Hey can we be together, tough im fat. Can? Please..." She replied " No! I don't like fat and ugly guy." I'm not that UGLY as she said and not that FAT. I am just a cool guy who understands people feelings, and chat with them while they are down. Please, AL, Advice please. :)
-- Fabb, Singapore

Dear Fabb:
First you tell her you're fat, then you state you're not that fat... Are you nuts?

Never ever put yourself down when you're writing a girl! They already know what you look like, you don't have to remind them. Second, don't beg! The feel sorry for me act doesn't work, specially when you're fat. Nobody wants to be with a needy person!

When you write a girl, compliment her, but don't over do it. You need to grab their attention, not scare them away! If you still love this girl that called you fat and ugly, you have some serious problems.

Good luck!

I'm Not Raising Him!

Dear Al:
Since we've moved into the neighborhood, my 4 year old daughter befriended an annoying little brat her age that keeps visiting us! Besides talking with a speech impediment that sounds like someone scratching a chalkboard, this boy doesn't listen. Everytime he does something idiotic, I have to tell this moron about half a dozen times to stop while he's looking at me with this stupid smile on his face that makes me want to kick his parents ass! His parents don't give a damn about him, which is why I let this kid in sometimes so he wont play in the streets alone! Did I mention this marvel is just 4 years old?!!!

Al, I know it's not the kids fault he acts like an animal, but I'm not gona raise him! HELP!
-- Matt, UK

Dear Matt:
This kids a moron? Who's the one baby sitting him? Duh!

Listen Beavis, instead of complaining to me, how about complaining to the authorities about these neglectful parents! The only moron here is you if you can't figure this out for yourself.

Visit NSPCC, UK's free online specialised child protection resource.

How Can I Meet Nice Guys?

Dear Al:
I am 25 years old gal and I have never been in a relationship before...is there anyway you can teach me how I could get to meet some nice guys? I am a really quiet type and not those kind of outgoing person and I am not the type of ppl who are good at socialising either and gets very nevous when I am in a crowded places.....am I a hopeless case?
-- Cherry, China

Dear Cherry:
Nothing is hopeless! I'm AL, Dammit!

First expand your view of what a nice guy is, or you may never meet one. It's nice if they have alot money, smart, funny, with great looks, but chances of meeting that guy is pretty slim. I'm not saying to go out with Henry Earl, just don't be so picky!

When a group of guys approach you and your girlfriends, see if you notice if any of them have a problem making eye contact, nervous, with a not so sure look on his face. Sometimes this type of nice guy stays behind at the bar or table since he's shy himself, while his friends hit on you.
If this nice guy tries to talk to you, there's a good chance he'll say something stupid like "Ever heard of Jackie Chan?", since he's nervous like yourself, but if you give him a chance things might work out.

Maybe you should give that guy you only like as a friend, that you've known for years a chance. That nice guy might be right under your nose!

What's Up With The News?

Dear Al:
Why is the news media being gentle with President Bush (The Decider)?

AL, this really troubles me! Can't sleep! Could you please shed some light on this?
-- Julie, Washington DC

Dear Julie:
Stop watching FOX News!

I hope this helped!

Difficult Making Friends

Dear Al:
My husband and I moved out to the east coast two years ago. We both have very demanding jobs and his job has him gone weeks at a time. The one thing that I am finding difficult is finding new friends. My husband's schedule is unpredicable so we can not plan around it. I am 28 years old and it seems like everyone already has a group of friends. It isn't like college and everyone is in the same position you are. I feel like such a nerd trying to make friends.
Any suggestions?
--New kid on the block

Dear New Kid:
Sucks to be you!

Seriously, making new friends takes time, but you don't have any after two years? Talk about living in a bubble!

Get involved in community activities, and I'm not talking about dealing drugs. Look into faith based community activities, sports, and special interest activities, but don't put all your eggs in one basket. If you're not interested in community activities, you're screwed! Just kidding!

If you want friends, you need to be out there, not kooked up in your home hoping someone comes knocking. Good luck, New Kid!

Your eyes are not deceiving you, it's a Meme!

I know... I know... I said I would never do a Meme, and I wasn't tagged, but I had to do this one! I got this from Sandi, who got it from Chelle, which Ramblings is also doing, who got it from Jenny, who got it from God knows who! Hopefully not Bush!

Since this Meme is missing a name, lets call it "The Ultimate Rant"


I AM: all knowing, just have bad grammar, but at least I can spell nuclear.

I SAID: to myself "Who's that freaky looking creature before me?", before I turned away from the mirror.

I WANT: a billion dollars!

I WISH: someone would give it to me.

I HATE: it when they don't!

I MISS: my Wooby!

I FEAR: someone might take the sentence before this one serious! I was just kidding people!

I HEAR: someone walking by breathing hard

I WONDER: who was walking by breathing hard

I REGRET: not looking to see who was walking by breathing hard

I AM NOT: gona find out, it could've been my wife looking to kick my ass!

I DANCE: with my kids sometimes

I SING: alone in my car, but not when I stop at a green light

I AM NOT ALWAYS: an asshole. Really!

I MADE: a beaver face because my wife farted!

I WRITE: whatever comes to mind sometimes , like "put a diaper on your head, and if you can't think, it's too tight!"

I CONFUSE: my wife sometimes, just hope she doesn't commit me!

I NEED: my own business, like making underwear protectors agains't streaks. Don't look at me, I know how to wipe my ass!

I SHOULD: get off my ass before I grow roots to my chair!

I START: smiling when I see my kids, specially this morning... glueing my wifes underwear.

I FINISH: work at various hours, just wish I had a freakin normal job! Shit! I said that out loud!

I BELIEVE: my boss just heard me! WIFEY!

I KNOW: my kids love me, and wifey does to, but not right now since she found my dirty socks on the floor.

I CAN: draw really good, but it's been a while since my wife wont let me do nudes.

I CAN’T: whistle. Look like a freakin idiot when I try!

I SEE: the world as a pretty confusing place that could be better if it wasn't for greed, and Howard Stern.

I BLOG: for the fun of it!

I READ: newspapers, blogs, online articles, and my arch nemisis Dear Abby

I AM AROUSED BY: the scent a women, when my wife is not around. ;)

IT PISSES ME OFF: when a certain person doesn't understand that what I wrote before this sentence was a joke!

I FIND: that some people can't handle the truth, only truthiness.

I LIKE: laughing, and joking! I'm an easy going guy! You can ask my wife when she's in a good mood!

I LOVE: my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, pizza, Pepsi, paper, pencils on my Penoli Pine Easel. Phew!

Don't worry people, I'm not tagging anyone. You're more than welcome to this Meme, and to use the image above, just remember me! I gave it the freakin name!

Happy Mothers Day!

My Parents Hardly Notice!

Dear Al:
I'm studying Chinese, starting to get really good SAT scores, and I'm a straight A student... my parents hardly even notice! I even placed tenth in the region for a competition and they barely glanced at my certificate. Any suggestions?
-- Suzhen, Dallas

Dear Suzhen:
See what happens when you blast music in your room... they're deaf! Sudden deafness also causes Vertigo, dizziness, loss of balance, so if by luck you do get your parents attention, it would be almost impossible for them to focus on your performance records if they're swaying all over the place. To solve this problem, catch them while they're sitting down and announce your performance with a bullhorn megaphone!
Works every time, until they're completely deaf.

I hope this helped!

What should I do?

Dear Al:
I've been stressing out lately because of my mom and the environment i live in.don't get me wrong, i love my mom to death.but my problem is,that she's mentally ill.i cry almost every night.now we cant do the things like we use to do. and the place where i live is full of drugdealers,thugs,criminals etc. the only reason why we cant move out is that we dont have enough money.kids from other apartments come out everyday to throw sticks at my moms door.i hate them.when i tell them to stop they wont and they cuss back at me.and when i go up to their face, their moms get bitchy about it.my dad goes to work everyday and tries to nurture us the best way he can.what should i do?
-- Meredith, Jacksonville, Florida

Dear Meredith:
If you haven't already, visit the official website of the City of Jacksonville, Florida. They have plenty of resources to help you and your family, just it's a little difficult to find on their site, but I found some info for ya:

* Mental Health Services
* Outreach to Elderly and Disabled Victims

I'm not sure what you could do about those idiotic kids since their parents are lowlifes! Last thing you need is a feud. These morons are not gona be kids forever, and with luck they'll be in prison before they're 25, where they're gona get hit with plenty of sticks! Karma's a bitch!

Sorry I couldn't be of more help, Meredith! Take care of yourself!

Mount St. Helen

Dear Al:
I have this big zit on my face my girlfriend nicknamed Mount Saint Helen, since the head is so white and large as hell! She's afraid to kiss me fearing that it could burst in her face, I'm embarrassed about being in public, and the guys at work rag on me all the time calling me zit instead of Zach! Al, have any advice?
-- Zach, Tucson Arizona

Dear Zach:
Pop it, you freakin idiot! Sheesh!

Zit face, how did you get my email anyway?

Working the morning shift again!

Yep folks! This week I have the morning shift again, and since I have tons of work to do around the house (cleaning up after my kids), I wont be able to answer anyone today. I was thinking about trying to respond to one writer today, but since my Blogger account took over half an hour to work properly, I'm out of time.

I don't know any blog service that performs major maintenace which closes all operation every other freakin day! I hope Blogger fixes whatever problems they're having before my next life!

Have a great day people! I'll have something posted tomorrow, if Blogger plays nice! I make a bet after this entry my blog never makes it to Bloggers main page under Blogs of Note. Waah!

Boyfriend Behaving Strangely

Dear AL:
My boyfriend has never been REALLY mean to me or anything, but he's really short tempered and prideful at times. He also NVR listens, no matter what I told him. But lately, he's behaving real strangely, he's treating me extremely nice, being really kind and thoughtful, blowing me kisses and stuff like that. It's such a sudden change, is he cheating on me?
-- L, Earth

Dear L:
Usually when someone all of a sudden changes for the better out of the blue, it's because they finally realized how much you mean to them... right after they cheated! I could be wrong, but I'm hardly ever.
Maybe he didn't cheat, so enjoy his sudden change of heart, until he turns back into swellhead you hooked up with!

If you do find out he's cheating, and it's been going on for a long time, drop him like a bad habit! He may never answer the question "Why?"

Feel Like I Don't Belong

Dear Al:
so i have some school problems especially with math and no one actually listens to me. im in math honors which is something i worked my butt off for and when i finally get it i feel like i dont belong. first of all every friend of mine wants to cheat off me. im only geting 80s and i feel uncomfortable. the class is overcrowed and i cant see anything he writes. i feel like i dont belong and i want to get out but if i get out then im afraid it might look bad on my report card. what should i do?
-- Stephanie, Math Honors

Dear Stephanie:
Are you also having problems with English? Thanks! I don't feel so bad about my writting!

Why in the name of all that's holy would anybody want to make math honors? Anyway, you wouldn't be there if you didn't have what it takes, which alot of MTV Real World watching morons wished they had, brains! Don't take this the wrong way, you can be smart and cool at the same time. My brainiac brother had girls lined up around the block... twice!

Ask your teacher if he could move you closer to the board, which would also relieve you of the pressure of your moronic friends copying off ya, and just do your best. If you still don't feel comfortable about being there, talk to your math teacher and find out what your options are.
I hope this helped!

Unannounced Vacation

Don't you hate it when I disappear for a few days without leaving word, well this time it wasn't my fault! The day after I posted The Dormitory Boys message with my response, I wanted to let you all know that I was going away for a few days, but my wife went nuts when I tried to get on the computer.

You'll probably thinking I'm wooped... I'm not! OK! Be happy that I'm back to steer you all in the right direction!

Embarrassed A Friend

Dear Al:
A couple of days ago we embarrassed a friend of ours, but we didn't mean it. He always drags us to a restaurant that sometime serves American fortune cookies, but now they are stating that they are authentic Chinese fortune cookies. Usually they just bring us traditional Chinese deserts but the last time we was their they served us fortune cookies. We told the waiter who looked angry the whole night "no thanks" politely, but he keep saying that we would like these new Chinese fortune cookies. We then look at each other with beaver faces, like Rockchild's friend Alice, and told the waiter if he ment American fortune cookies. The waiter then yelled back to us "They are Chinese!", and threw the plate of cookies on our table like we are prisoners! After we gave each other the beaver face again, we paid and took the cookies. When we escaped the restaurant we ate the fortune cookies and one of our fortunes stated "Don't get even... get odd!", so we both stared into the restaurant with our faces pressed up against it's windows almost a hole minute. Our friend then got mad at us and said "How can you both do that? I eat here!" We told him we was sorry, but he is not talking to us!

Al, we don't understand why he would still want to eat their after the way we was treated and not be friends anymore with us! What do you think??
-- Back Dormitoy Boys, twochineseboys.blogspot.com

Dear Dormitory Boys:
You get treated like crap at this restaurant he drags you to, and he's embarrassed of what you did? Sounds like it doesn't matter to swellhead how you two was treated, he's a regular there! He's not a friend, so I wouldn't worry about Beavis.

If you know when he visits that restaurant, and if you have time, go there and give him beaver faces with your face pressed up against their window. Make Rockchild proud!

I didn't know Fortune cookies was invented in the states! We've been had!

Torn between two!

Dear Al:
I'm currently torn between two men.
One is 2 years younger than me, is a musician, loves working out in the gym, gorgeous, very independent, motivated, ambitious, practical, and down to earth.

The other's 6 years older, writes the most beautiful poetry, romantic, dreamy, articulate, expressive, idealistic, lives for the moment and doesn't-think of-the-consequences-kinda guy.

They are both poles apart and special in their own ways. I'm attracted to both and I can't decide which one to pick! Help me!
-- Torn, Denmark

Dear Torn:
Which one is better in bed? Serious! You don't want to get stuck with an amateur, believe me! On the other hand, the other guy might need Viagra, and if he's allergic to it, that's an eternity in front of the TV!

Since you're attracted to both of them, draw straws! Or better! Stick with the one who goes out of his way to be with you, who's not so wrapped up in his own world, but tries to be wrapped up in yours.
I hoped this helped!

The photo above is by WALTERito.