Drunk girlfriend cheated with her old best friend. Is this tattered relationship worth saving?

Hey AL:
Ok... so let me try to make a long story short. Me and my girlfriend(not a fiancee OR wife) meet, have a serious relationship. Something like out of a romance novel in terms of the way we met and fell in love. I have a bad past of girlfriends cheating on me. But I tried my best to keep my paranoia in check. Her grandmother (aka her best friend) died when she was young. She doesn't know who her mother is. Her father is a pilled out veteran on disability. Her brother, the only other person close to her. Got arrested and is now serving 20 yrs. So she has extensive abandonment issues. After a few months, and a roommate rivalry, I move in with her and her dad. A month later we get our own place, everything still going good. Crazy in love, but have our problems. 13 days before our 1 yr she invites old friends over that are in town (Which never happens because she doesn't have many friends) and ends up getting PLASTERED and making out with her old best friend in our bathroom. HUGE ordeal as you can guess. Fighting, packing, fighting, crying, begging, said I was leaving and I didn't leave. The next months were hard because all trust was gone. Honestly I stayed because of the apartment and the connection my mother and family have grown with her. My mother loves her to death. And bills are easier with two paying them. But most of all I wanted so bad for things to get better and that I could move past it. But knowing how paranoid I am, the outlook wasn't good. So now, 5 months later, I'm struggling with constant paranoia and I treat her like crap cause I have so much pent-up frustration towards her. I don't restrict her or try to control her. She has all the freedom in the world. In fact, I more push her away. I distance myself from her. My mind is filled with the most outrageous cheating scenarios all the time and it has sent my blood pressure through the roof. I'm torn. I feel like I'm stuck here with her because she has no one but me. Plus she's made pity attempts at suicide trying to get me to stay. I feel her words are true, but she has too much shadiness surrounding her. I really do I love her with all my heart, but I'm just one step out of the door. Advice please, I'm losing my mind with paranoia. Is there a mental condition for cheating paranoia? It's only with cheating, I don't get paranoid with anything else. And is this tattered relationship even worth trying for?
-- Mr. Man, my state

Yo Man:
Personally, if this was a bi thing, I would give her a second chance if she had more feelings for me and was willing to share. :-) Now if the person she kissed was a dude, that's fucked up, but she was wasted.

If you love her with all your heart and you believe her when she states her love for you, I would give her a second chance on the condition that she never drinks or talks to that guy again, or that girl if you're not interested in threesomes. She's in control when she's sober, so you have nothing to be paranoid about, specially since she's falling all over herself for you to stay. Stop treating her like shit, think of the good times you've had, and relax. Your relationship is salvageable if you stop being an ass. How many different ways does she have to say sorry for you to believe she's SORRY and will not cheat again? Give the girl a break, and your nerves, and let it go. It will haunt you of what could've been if you break up, specially since you love her. Believe me, you don't want to go through that.

KW's: excessive anxiety, fear, irrational, delusional, possible schizo (You, Man, not her)

Where can I watch Paris Hilton's new sex tape?

Dear AL:
Due to the restrictions at my fraternity, our internet access is carefully filtered to block porn. Do you know of any place online where I can watch Paris Hilton's new sex tape? I'm a huge fan of hers! It can be partially censored. I'll just use my imagination to fill in the blanks. Thanks!
-- Matt, amongst religious nuts

Yo Matt:
You're in luck! I found Paris Hilton's sex tape on YouTube. The only problem, it's extremely censored. Hope you have a good imagination. Enjoy!


KW's: huge fan, possible virgin, video

My employee spreads lies about coworkers

Dear AL:
I have this employee (relative) that does nothing but complain. Since her fear of customers and boredom, she spreads lies about her coworkers, trying to prevent them from doing their jobs so they stay by her side. What can I tell her to straighten her out?
-- Diana, Texas

Dear Diana:
Tell her to STFU!

From the sounds of it, she's probably older than dirt, and it's no ones fault she can't handle the job. Tell her to get with the program or you will give her walking papers. If she continues, without hesitation, put her out to pasture! Be strong or you will lose good workers because her. Screw it if it's your mother!

KW's: hostile work environment

Leading up to Archie (Comics) Veronica's wedding... SPOILER ALERT!!!

Dear AL:
I have recently (belatedly, unfortunately) heard that Archie of Archie Comics fame is marrying Veronica! I know that somehow, the story will progress in a manner that will return the characters to status quo but the suspense is driving me crazy. Help!

(I know, you're probably thinking that I'm a loser.)
-- Archie-Comics-Crazy

Dear Crazy:
Nah... I'm not thinking that. Lots of kids read Archie. But if you're an adult male reading this, you're definitely a dweeb.


Anyway, upon research... ***SPOILER ALERT*** from what I've pieced together, out of fear of losing her chance to be with Archie after High School graduation, Veronica toned down her rich girl attitude enough to win him over. Archie then fears he might lose the new Veronica after summer when she explains her future plans away from Riverdale, so he proposes to her, and she accepts. Leading up to the wedding, Betty tries to get help from Jughead. Jughead tries to talk to Archie, but Archie doesn't listen. The day of the wedding Archie informs his best man, Jughead, that he's nervous. Instead of bringing up Betty, Jughead calms Archie's wedding jitters as a good friend would.

Leading up to the wedding, Reggie, insanely jealous, tries to foul things up between Archie and Veronica. Reggie encourages Betty to help him since he knows how she feels about Archie, but she withdraws from his scheme at the last minute, giving him away. A day before the wedding, Betty, in the mist of hatching her own plan to stop it out of desperation, gets caught by Veronica. After a lengthy argument, Veronica, feeling bad, asks Betty to be her Maid of Honor, but Betty declines. At the alter, with Betty no where in sight, Veronica starts having second thoughts about marrying Archie, but at the last minute Betty shows up, smiling with tears in her eyes. After the "I do's" and the kiss, Archie discovers Betty uncontrollably crying and wonders while looking back at Veronica if he made a mistake.

Months down the line Veronica breaks up with Archie for many reasons. Reggie toning down his selfish attitude, expressing his love for her... Her Dad's disapproval after his approval of her marriage... Cheryl's annoying flirtatious behaviour with her husband, Archie... And her waning friendship with Betty. Veronica then regrets the divorce, and it's back to the good old love triangle, competing for Archie's love with her best friend Betty.

Feel better?

KW's: exclusive, invision, prediction, played out, reasoning, obvious outcome (Duh!)

Savings Wane. Freeloader, friend, not paying rent!

Dear AL:
So for the past month or so I've been "renting" a room with a friend. At first I was supposed to pay the rent for 2 weeks while she found a job or got family to pay... But now it has been 5 weeks and she has not paid! On Monday I told her to give me either her half of the rent by today (Thursday) or she would have to move out by this coming Monday. Her reply was "okay." since then she has been getting home like at 4am when I am obviously asleep since I work in the mornings and she doesn't wake up till way after I am gone. I have a feeling that she is planning on not paying this week. Can I really kick her out? I am the only person with a contract with the land lady... Do you think that I can ask her for her keys and move her stuff to the hallway if she doesn't pay? I am saddened because we used to be good friends but my savings are almost gone... Please give me advice on what to do...
-- Noret, the city that never sleeps

Dear Noret:
Kick the bitch out! This freeloader is no friend if she's treating you like Ugly Betty. As soon as she steps out, move her stuff into the hall, and give her a call. Better she finds out right away that you kicked her out to avoid a raving bitch banging on your door at 4am. Before the call, try to have a friend over for support, but avoid physical or verbal confrontation with the leech. Last thing you need is her suing you because your friend gave her a knuckle sandwich. She'll have plenty of money then.

If she doesn't give you the keys, call in sick the next day, and have the land lady change the locks. Explain to her that you lost your spare, and that you just recieved three disturbing phone calls of heavy breathing 20 minutes apart. You have to lay it on thick if you don't want that bitch screwing with your stuff while you're at work. I know it's not easy since she use to be a friend, but it has to be done. She's taking you for a sucker!

Anyway, even if she was to find a job, there's a chance she wont pay what she owes since she was able to get away with not paying in the past. She'll probably come up with reasons not to pay her share, or pay enough, stating she needs it for a car, pay off credit card debt, plane ticket to visit her parents, ect... Fuck that! Follow what I stated above, and kick her ass out!

Kw's: diminishing nest egg, losing reserves, taken advantaged of, deceived, swindled, duped, fooled, pushover (Just trying to motivate you. Don't be a sap!)

Boyfriend thinks my vagina is too hairy!

Dear AL:
My boyfriend just hurt my feelings. For the past month I've noticed he was less interested in sex, so I confronted him about it today. He told me my vagina is too hairy, but no one ever complained about this before. He recommended that I shave, but I don't want to look like a little girl. I'm thinking about breaking up with him because he said it looks gross, but I don't want to play the dating game again.

AL, I really need your help. I've read some of your previous responses to other writers, so I know what to expect from your advice. Let me have it!
-- Pat, Virginia

Dear Pat:
You bet your hairy ass I'll let you have it!

Look, if your nether regions is styling a fro, drop the pick and trim it. Same for your man if he wants to get laid.

Shaving your vagina... well, that style is in. It's not seen as a little girl, but neat and clean. Notice the next time you go swimming how most females are stream lined between their legs. It's rare you'll find someone under 40 styling a brillo pad down there.

eHow.com - How to shave Pubic Hair (Complete Instructions)

You can just trim and skip the razor all together if you're uncomfortable, this way he wont feel like he's dating Ron Jeremy. Hopefully you're not!

Kw's: Jheri Curl, moptop, beehive, mullet, pubic hair

Parents complain about my boyfriend. Running away!

Dear AL:
I'm so sick of my parents telling me what to do or complaining about what I do. Sit up straight... Don't wear that... You're on the internet too much... What's with you and your cell phone?... I can just scream!

They're now complaining about my boyfriend because he dropped out of school and doesn't have a job. My parents seem to forget that Dad was like that from what they told me, and he turned out great. What makes them think they're better than my boyfriend?

Me and my boyfriend are thinking about running away. We're only 16, but we're strong and in love. Any advice will be greatly appreciated since we'll be on our own.
--Tracy in hell

Dear Tracy:
The only advice I can give you is to stay home. You have two more years until you graduate High School, don't throw that away. During this time until you graduate you can carefully plan your great escape. Go to college. Join the Peace Corps. Move into your boyfriend's box. What ever!

Your parents are doing what all parents do. Parenting. And you know what, millions of teenagers have survived this. Your parents already experienced what your boyfriend will experience for being a dropout, so of course they're concerned that you're interested in him. I would be too if you was my daughter.

If your boyfriend is so strong, why couldn't he finish High School? I can understand if he has a learning disability, but if he has problems at home, then he needs to seek help from a school counselor.

Stay strong. Don't run away. I'm sure you've heard this before, but one day you'll be a parent. Hopefully not pushing your kid around in a box.

My gay mom wont accept my gay marriage

Dear AL:
My mom is gay, has a girlfriend, but told me to divorce my gay partner I married in California before the Prop. 8 ban. She says it violates the sanctity of marriage between a man and woman for procreation. Wants me to marry a man. She's very religious, and keeps her homosexuality under wraps.

Now I don't care how she runs her life. How can I get her to accept mines?
-- Upset in California

Dear Upset:
Your mom is living a lie, and until she accepts who she is, she will not accept your marriage, even if you were to get artificially inseminated by David Hasselhoff. Ew...

Go on with your life, and don't count on your mom to come around in the near future, that's unless her double life is discovered. But more than likely she'll repent like Ted Haggard... become cured *cough*, but remain a heterosexual with issues. :-P

Think of your girl.

Kw's: proposition 8, closet, religious fanatic, position

I'm hung like a horse, but girls run away!

Dear AL:
I am hung like a horse, but when the girls see it, they run away. What do I do?
--Hung, Florida

Yo Hung:
Wait for Mrs. Right. A girl who believes you wont pound her to death like a dumbass, but take it slow with lots of foreplay, using tons of lubricant. If a woman can give birth to a baby, then your size shouldn't be a problem.

Tell her you're in no rush... you're willing to wait until she's use to your size, that's if she's still in the room. I hope this helped!

Kw's: personal problem, micropenis, dreamer, delusional

Husband wants to kill pigs to avoid Swine Flu!

Dear AL:
For the last few days I've been protecting our pigs from my husband. He has obsessive–compulsive disorder, which I thought he had under control, that's until I caught him walking to our barn with a 5 gallon can of gas. When I asked him from the window what he's doing, he said coolly that he's going to kill our pigs. I then yelled stop, ran out to him while he was shouting back "Swine flu! Swine flu!" I tried to explain to him that it was just a name like chickenpox, but he kept telling me "How do I know? Why would they name it Swine flu?" He then tried a couple of more times to burn the barn, so I now park my truck against it to prevent him.

Al, what can I say to convince him that our pigs wont make us sick?
-- Samantha, Texas

Dear Sam:
Your husband is a pig farmer with obsessive-compulsive disorder? Now I've heard everything! Sounds like he might be suffering from another neurological disorder. A result of his lifestyle. Most sufferers of OCD try to hide their compulsive behaviors, and in his case he tried to make it seem like he had it under control while all along he might have been going through tremendous stress. No talking will prevent him from roasting your hogs, so I recommend he sees a professional and maybe a career change. Good luck!

Kw's: health, influenza, A virus subtype H1N1, influenzavirus

Made out with her uncle who's close to 30

Dear AL:
I recently turned 18 and after clubbing slept at a friends with her and two other guys. We all crashed on the double bed and I ended up making out with her uncle who is close to 30. My friend suspects that we hooked up, although we tried to hide it and I think she's upset about it. What should I do? Her uncle called me today and said to just say that we were flirting with one another and it didn't go any further than holding hands etc. What if she saw us kissing or something?
-- Eliza

Dear Eliza:
Time to grow up. There's a good chance she saw you two kissing since you all shared the same bed, so lying to her will enforce her beliefs that you're both dating. Tell your friend the truth. If you are dating, it's better to come clean if you value your friendship. It's not your fault you're attracted to a loser who can't find a woman his own age. She'll understand.

Kw's: friendship, friendships, problem, teen, teenager, adult, flirt, advice, family

She no lik me enymor!

Dear AL:
Hav a nise girlfrend bupt dink she no lik me enymor. Lass time she com to mi haus she leeve soon bupt com bak bupt no tork an leeve aygen. Wat can I do so mi girlfrend lik me lik befor?
-- Marat, Қазақстан

Dear Marat:
Take showers or she will never lick ya again.

Seriously, give her breathing room. Now I'm not saying that you stink, just give her space to think. Before doing so, call her up and let her know how you feel. If she still doesn't like ya after a few days, move on. Life is short.

Kw's: girlfriend, dating, relationship problem, problems, breakup

My Husbands affair with best friend. We have 2 children!

Dear AL:
My husband had an affair with my best friend. He says he didn't sleep with her, but he wont stop communicating with her. We have 2 children! HELP!
-- Cassie --

Dear Cassie:
I don't know of an affair where sex wasn't involved, that's unless numbnuts really has numb nuts, then he might be telling the truth. If you just want to save your marriage because of your two children, then it sounds like you have a business relationship, which is probably why he cheated. I'm not saying it's your fault. It takes two to make a marriage work, or not.

You can try marriage counseling, but if he doesn't want to try that, talk to him. Find out what's lacking in your relationship that he seems to be getting from your girlfriend, and not just sex. If he doesn't want to talk about it, then do what's best for your children... divorce. Don't put your kids through an unhappy marriage. It will effect them when they're adults.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, best friend, cheater, cheating spouse, children, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

He obviously wants to meet me

Dear AL:
So I have been chatting to this guy online for months. He lives in another country and he is moving to the same city as me. I'm extremely nervous because he obviously wants to meet me. I am not the most attractive person, and I just don't want to get rejected. Should I pass on the date, take someone with me to take off the pressure, or go and take my chances? -- J

Dear J:
I hate to be the one to have advised you to your own death, but since you've obviously want to meet him, I say bring a friend along. Since you're worried about rejection, maybe you should do a little cam to cam with him. Better to get rejected online than him standing you up because he got a good look at you from a distance. Hell, he might be butt ugly, but I hope you would give him a chance.

Meet at a public place a few times to get a feel for him. If all of a sudden he asks for your help in recovering money that needs to be transfered to your account, asks for money, or if you could go to his country for whatever, RUNAWAY! Chances are he doesn't plan on staying in your country longer than a weeks if that's the case. Sounds fishy that he's moving to your state. Don't get scammed!

I'm being harassed at work!

Dear AL
There are these people that keep harassing me every week at my job. When they order food at the drive threw they always ask for whoppers knowing full well they're at McDonalds! What can I tell these people to leave me alone?
-- Upset in Seattle Washington

Dear Upset:
Tell them no pork at all.

Um.. upset... you work at a fast food place. Maybe it's the same jokers harassing you every week, but I bet they're probably confused customers. I don't know how many times I asked for happy meals at Burger King, so this might be the case.

If it is the same people, have your supervisor take the order. Don't burst a vessel over this, or you'll never make manager!

What would Ronald do?

My Husband's affair with a girl at the gym

Dear AL:
My Christmas present for 2008 was learning of an affair my husband was having with a girl at the gym. He continued the affair by purchasing "pay as you go" phones to eliminate any phone records - I found his phone. He says he has discontinued the affair but continues to go to the same gym, at the same time she goes, and refuses to change. There are other alternatives and times for him to go.

Am I making too much of this, or should I follow my gut instinct and file for divorce.
--Devastated and Pissed in NY

Dear Devastated:
You're not making enough of this... divorce his sorry ass. If he discontinued this affair, why doesn't he go to a different gym to give you peace of mind? Hell, he might do just that when you threaten him with a divorce, but who's to say she wont follow him there to continue their workout? Do you really want to deal with this, not knowing if he's being faithful? Always having this on the back of your mind "Is he telling me the truth, or spotting her?" Do yourself a favor and save yourself the stress. Divorce him! If he doesn't care about your feelings now, he will continue to play with your head, guaranteed.

Life is too short and may become shorter if he infects you with Aids. Think about that. Take care of yourself.

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful

I want to quit lying, but it's hard.

Dear Al:
For the past years I have been lying. Lying so much that all of those revolves me believe every single word that I have said. I want to quit lying, but it's hard. It has turn into a habit. Can you tell me what to do to stopped this lies.
-- Liar, Singapore

Dear Liar:
Shut the fuck up!

I hope this helped.

Wife's Facebook profile states Democrat. Divorcing!

Hey AL:
Tonight I discovered my wife is a freakin' liberal on her Facebook profile. So the love she says she has for me, our relationship, was all a lie! She knows I'm a Republican, so what else could it be. She was desperate! When I talked to her about it, and that I want a divorce, her tearful response would have been genuine if she was a Republican, but we know Democrats are frauds.

Al, I feel kind of sorry for her. Should I give her a chance if she converts parties? She might do it.
-- Matt, Ohio

Dear ASSHOLE:
Divorce her. You'll be doing her a favor.

Can't have her expressing her love for you, specially since she's a liberal. How dare she marry you! And to think, you was happy with her up till now. What were you thinking, Matt?

Army recruiter wont leave me alone

Dear AL:
About a month ago I made a mistake of seeing a certain Army recruiter. After deciding not to join the Army after taking the ASVAB test which I passed with flying colors, this recruiter wont except no for an answer. He's upset for driving me to take this test, but it wasn't like he wasted gas, there were two other potential recruits who came along for the same reason. What made me change my mind? After seeing my test results, he kept stating on the ride back to his office about papers I had to sign. About 10 times, like I'll forget. When I told him my decision back in his office to go to college, he started cursing at me right off the bat, saying I had to join, so I walked out. Since then he calls me almost everyday, threatening me with jail time if I don't report to a MEP's station to enlist!

AL, I'm just starting my life. Can he really send me to jail?
-- Troubled in New York

Dear Troubled:
Taking the ASVAB test doesn't mean you're obligated to join the Army. You wont go to jail if you don't join. Beaves is lying to make his quota to maintain his appearance towards superiors.

I suggest you buy yourself one of those handy dandy digital voice recorders with a telephone recording attachment, and record him next time he calls. Don't let him in on it, let a lawyer break the news to the boy wonder. He will leave you alone, guaranteed.

Kw's: advice, criminal, deceptive, desperate, dishonest, dishonorable, false, forceful, harassment, harassed, liar, lied, misleading, oppressive, overbearing, threatening

Best friend's husband had an affair with my husband

Dear AL:
This is not easy, but i can't keep this bottled in. Last night i found out that my husband has been having an affair with my best friend's husband. MY BEST FRIEND'S HUSBAND! I discovered this when i returned home early last Friday from a girl's night out. When i saw my husband wasn't in the living room, i heard the shower going, so i went to see him. When i pulled the curtain open, i saw my best friend's husband instead. After we both said hi, i asked him what he was doing here, and he said he was taking a shower. I then walked over to my bedroom since i heard our Wii playing, and as soon as i walked in my husband screamed. He screamed like a little girl! I then asked him what's going on and he started to cry, giving no excuses. We haven't talked since that day.

I then put 2 and 2 together, from his slightly fruity cologne he started wearing last summer, the tiny heart tattoo on his butt which i wouldn't have never known existed if he hadn't slipped on the bathroom floor. And now the shower and his scream.

When we married 3 years ago, he was straight! At least i thought he was. How could this have happened?
- Mariam

Dear Mariam:
They must have watched Brokeback Mountain.

I would recommend marriage counseling, but since he's morphed into this other guys bitch, it would be a waste of time. He probably had these feelings before you met, but due to his upbringing, he couldn't be himself, so he needed a front. You. It could have been Brokeback Mountain like, and from what you wrote above, he was probably the character who initiated this affair. He wasn't Heath Ledger!

I know this hurts, but you have to divorce your husband. Don't waste your time with this relationship. Take care of yourself.

Out of curiousity, how couldn't you notice the tattoo on his butt?

Note: The above image "Brokeback Mountain Sims" is by fanseelamb.
http://www.wonderlandblog.com/wonderland/

Kw's: adultery, adultry, affair, affairs, best friend, cheater, cheating spouse, infidelity, marriage, unfaithful