What the fark is up with Fark?

What the fark is wrong with these farkin crybabies who don't get their articles posted on fark.com?Dear Al:
I've been a member of Fark.com forever, and not one of my submitted articles ever made it on their front page! One time after I submitted an article, it got posted with the same tagline by someone else! Now I believe it's possible for two people to come up with the same idea, but my tagline was so off the wall, it's impossible someone could have thought of the same thing! Someone at Fark stole my tagline to take credit for my submitted article! I thought about writting Fark to complain, but after doing some research online about previous members with problems, I decided not to waste my time. What the Fark is up with Fark.com?
-- Ex-Fark Fan, Cyberspace

Dear Ex-Fark Fan:
Need a hanky?

What's the big deal that Fark didn't post this article under your user name? What would you have gotten out of it if the link to an article you found on the internet was posted by you on Fark? A boner? I'm sure nobody stole your article tagline (Title), but if they did, it wont be easy to prove. All submissions become the property of Fark.com.
Read their Terms of Service, Joker!

Have a nice day!

Hav A Pimple Probem!

I hav a big pimple on ma lip! I feld it comin in a coupel of days ago but did nart dink much bout it til ma wife notised it an sed "O my God I wana pop it!", an she did an it hert like a bich! Ma wife now has one on her lip, an it is biger dan minds! Coud it be comin frum da pigs feet we eat evory now an den? Apresheate yor help!
-- Ray, Georgia

Dear Ray:
I am nart shore, butt it souns like you boof mite hav herpeas, jus wonda how you caut it befor you gav it to yor wife? You did nart cach it frum da pigs feet, maybee frum trinkin frum sumone elsis trink. I recomens you boof see a doktor as soon as posibowl, an visit da RIF site.

Sorree it took me so lang to rite bac, hope I am nart to layt!

Still here!

Sorry for the disappearance, been working the early shift for the last two weeks, 5:45 AM to 1:45 PM, so I've been hitting the sack early. After work it's impossible to write since I'm busy with my kids, plus if I touch my computer during the day my wife will kill me! I'm not whooped, alright!

Did I miss anything while I was gone? Answer me, dammit!

I'll stop by your blogs later to grace you with my presence!

She Wouldn't Listen!

Dear Al:
For years I've been teaching my daughter right from wrong, that some boys just want only one thing, but she wouldn't listen.
My teenage daughter turned into every boys dream, a plaything with accessories.
She had a different boyfriend almost every other month for over 3 years, but none for the last 6 months since she's pregnant with a baby girl.

AL, my daughter told me to write you, do you have any advice?
-- Dawn, Paris, France

Dear Easy:
Do you know who the father is? Of course you do! It was Frédéric, Fabio, Leon, Serge, Pierre, and the rest of France!

Don't start that crap again with dating the city of Paris right after your daughter is born! Learn how to be alone until the right guy comes along, unless you prefer being their plaything, then more power to you, and babies!

Happy Easter People! Gmail anyone?

I know I've been a bit of a ghost on most of your blogs, but that's because of all the projects I've got going on, staying up late working, and feeling tired all the time. How do you all do it?

Anyway, I want to wish you all a Happy Easter, and to let you know I have 13 Gmail invites! If you're on my blogroll, and want your very own Gmail account, send me a message in the form in my sidebar with your current email address.

What's this, you already have a Gmail account? Hey! Don't get loud with me! I'm trying to do something nice here, so back-off! Sheesh!

If you want a Gmail account, write! Now go eat some eggs! :)

Love of my life is not listening to me!

Dear Al:
I'm in love! I met this incredibly awesome beautiful girl that rocks my world! Her name is Katie! Since Katie came into my life, something extraordinary magnificent has happened to me that I can't restrain myself since I'm so happy! I made a fool out of myself not long ago while I was jumping on a friends couch laughing manically "I'm in love! I'm in love!", but that's ok. I'm really happy because Katie is an extraordinary woman! My friends are happy for me, people I know, my mom and my whole family are happy for me! But I have a little problem, not that I'm saying I'm not happy, because I am since I love Katie so much! Katie is starting to develop pimples on her face, but they'e not gross yet, just it doesn't look good. Katie wants to start using medicated acne pads for her face, which I'm totally agains't! Those acne pads introduces chemicals to the body which are harmful, because I know since I've done the research. I explained to Katie that all she has to do to get rid of the pimples is to take vitamins and exercise, but she insists on using those medicated acne pads!
Al, how can I make Katie see the light? I would really appreciate a response from you before I start my E-meter treatment today to free my Thetans from the influence of evil Engrams. Thanks!
--Tom, tomcruiseblog.blogspot.com

Dear Tom:
Tom, it's great that you're in love, just stop reminding us!

So what you're saying is you want Katie to clear up her pimples, but you want her to clear up her pimples by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for her? If you truly love Katie, then let her clear up her pimples the way she sees fit, unless you prefer seeing her with whiteheads the size of peas!

I hope this helped! Now go and free your Thetans!

I Think Too Much

Don't think to much, give your cranium a rest!Dear Al:
I think way too much about things that other people never seem to even notice.
What should I do?
-- Annika, www.expatsinitaly.com/annika

Dear Annika:
Stop thinking!

Cheating Friend

Don't let your cheating friends situation get you in trouble! Run away! Run away!Dear Al:
I have a friend that has been cheating on her husband for over a year with one man. Her husband works out of the country for weeks at a time so she has a lot of time to carry on with this other guy. The thing is, her husband isn't the nicest guy in the world (he's sometime physically and emotionally abusive). The other man, is someone she virtually takes care of. She pays bills for him, buys him clothing, picks up the tabs when they go out, everything. He practically lives there when the husband is out of town. She claims she's in love with this guy and will not leave him alone, even though she know's he sees other women (so does her husband, yes this is a messy situation). The thing is though, the other week, she calls me and says "I'm going to tell my husband I let you borrow $1,000 but really I'm going to give it to [the other man] so he can pay his court fees" (he got a DUI). So I immediately was like hell no don't put me in the middle of your stories! So my question is, if the shit ever hit the fan (which I know it will) I don't want to be an accessory to this whole thing. Should I tell her I don't want to hang out with her anymore? Even though I know what she's been doing I know I can't be responsible for what a grown woman decides to do. But since I am actually a friend to her and her husband, and thinking about it I'm her only female friend (husband doesn't approve of her having many friends). I just feel like I'm caught in the middle of something that's going to conclude in a very, very brutal manner.
-- Caught in the middle, theartofstiltwalking.blogspot.com

Dear Caught:
A friend wouldn't try to pull you into her mess and risk a friendship. Doesn't sound like she gives a damn about you, just the leech that's taken her for a fool! Yes, don't hang out with her anymore. Drop her and her husband like a bad habit, avoid their place like the GAP! ;)

Don't be caught in the middle like the cream in an Oreo cookie, they'll chew your ass up! I hope this helped!

Online Romances?

online romances are pretty risky, but if your a risk taker, go ahead with your bad self! See you on the news!Dear Al
Do you think that online romances could work in real life? Or are they purely fantasy?
-- Sandi, manicmanicurist.blogspot.com

Dear Sandi
To me online romances are extremely risky! How do we know if we're not chatting with Carrot Top on the other end?

Sometimes they might reveal themselves via webcam, but this doesn't show us what's ticking in their cranium. It's so easy to tell someone what they want to hear.

Personally I think it's best to leave fantasy right where we found it, on the monitor. But if a person wants to take that risk, bring a friend along on the first date, because you might need the back-up if this guy is a weirdo.

I didn't forget anybody

Just so nobody thinks I'm ignoring them, I'm not. I'm still sick, and it's taken alot out of me, but I am a little bit better. I will visit all your blogs as soon as I'm up to speed, and for those who emailed me, Sandi, Bob, Denise, Dumbass, Caught in the middle, Lori, and Ruffus, I haven't forgot you all, just hope I'm not too late!

I Hate My Job!

Dear Al:
I am just out of school and have been working for almost a year in a job that pays well, gave me car, an expense account, a computer, a cell phone, insurance, the whole shebang (not sure if that is actually how you spell shebang). The thing is, I HATE my job and have hated it just about since I started. I've been saying for 6 months that I am going to quit, but I haven't gone through with it. In the last fews weeks I have gotten kinda lazy and started slacking off in day to day responsibilities - I think the end is near. I would quit today if I knew I had a another job waiting for me, but that is alot easier said than done.
I have a couple leads that look promising, but you never know what could come of that. My current employer knows nothing of my discontent and it is really going to blow them away. I know the smart thing to do is just to ride it out until I find something, but I have gotten so lazy in my job the last few weeks that it would be hard continue like this. I want to free myself from this job, this burden that I have created in my life, and clear my thoughts...but I don't know how smart it is to go without real income and insurance. Should I quit now, breath a little easier, and continue my search for a new job (possibly taking a part time); or should I trudge through the next few weeks, continuing my laziness until something better comes up?
-- Jackson, Alabama

Dear Jackson:
You know what's gona come up if you continue your laziness for the next few weeks? A boot in your ass!

Pull yourself out of this slump, be the best at what you was hired to do, while you're looking for another job. No new employer will hire you if your old employer states that you SUCKED, but McDonalds might give you a chance.

To my readers who responded to my entry before this one, you are all worthy!

I'm sick

Kinda hard to type right now... been to the doctor... so I'm taking a little break. I'LL stop by your blogs when I'm feeling better.

Don't forget about me! ALRIGHT!

Weight Problem After Childbirth

Dear Al:
During the pregnancy I gained quite a bit of weight and eventhough it has been 3 months since the delivery, I have not been able to shed a pound so far. I have tried aerobics, cut out on sugar and fried food, go for walks every day with our little son, but nothing is working. The problem is that my husband is not motivating me to lose the weight, he claims now that I am fat, there is more to grab!

What should I do? I want to go shopping for new clothes, but I want to lose these extra pounds first!

Thank you for your advice. And don't be rude!!
-- Cristina, Curitiba, Brazil

Dear Christina:
Sounds like your husband loves you no matter what you look like, which is great, but he could've worded it differently. You probably had this conversation with your husband, but tell him again how seriously you need his help! No more fat jokes!

If he's still not taking you serious, then tell him "If you don't help me, I'll pull a Roseanne Barr by packing on a ton of weight, and the only way you be able to grab me is with a lasso!" If he begins to laugh, stuff your face full of cake! That will show him!

Serious, right after childbirth your body needs to recover. Your iron and vitamin and mineral stores have been depleted. Seventy percent of new mothers are anemic. Therefore, you shouldn't think of dieting for two to three months after childbirth.

Immediately after the baby is born, you will lose about 11 pounds. You will then lose 9 to 11 more pounds over the next few weeks in fluids, a shrinking uterus, etc. Then your goal should be to lose no more than one to two pounds a month for the first six months. Losing more than 4 1/2 pounds a month is unsafe.

Man, I wish I was smart enough to know all of the above! Discovered this information on WebMD, you can read more half way down the page on WebMD from Brown.

I hope this helped!