How Can I Make Xiaxue Take Me As Her Man?

Hey Al!
I'm very upset! Xiaxue, a blogger who is love of my life is denying me! How can she not feel the conectshion when I rite her on her blog? She's famous, so I can understand this has clouded her dinking, but this making me sad. We belong together! Al, how can I make Xiaxue to take me as her man?
-- Soulmate, Xiaxue's blog

Yo Soul:
Get a hold of yourself! Maybe Xiaxue doesn't feel the connection because you can't fuckin' write! The only person who's thinking is clouded is yours, natureboy. You're not the only person who has fallen head over heals for her, but you might be the only moron online who thinks he's Xiaxue's soulmate.

Move along, you don't have a chance!

Filed under: advice, dumbasses, insane, looking, on the internet, personal problems

When Should Girls Offer To Pay On A First Date?

Dear Al:
I've never had a boyfriend, and I'm embarrassed to ask my friend this:

When should girls offer to pay on a first date?
--Verrgin Geek =P , Australia

Dear Verrgin:
Not today... not tomorrow... Never! Guys want to pick up the tab, and by you insisting on paying, a guy will take this as a sign that you're not interested in them, or you're retarded. Most females who lose interest in a guy, pay, so they don't feel like they used them. So don't you ever offer to pay, unless you're in a tight relationship with someone.
Hopefully not another Kevin Federline!

Filed under: dating, looking, personal problems, relationship problems

Boyfriend Doesn't Respect Me In The Slightest

Dear AL:
ok..so where do i start??...i know ur a common guy awnsering this so im not expecting a miricle just maybe a round about awnser on what my man may be thinking....
im 22 and have a four yr old son...i started seeing my bout 2 and half yrs ago..when we were five months going out he did the dirty on me(ie he cheated(only kissing and gropping))...then after forgiving him i decided to forgive him and we were like any other couple with the usual arguments untill lately...my son was diagnosed with mild autism last september and may i stress very very mild...my boyf has been great...he can be tough on my son but i know he loves him so so much and i know my son adores him to bits...but the problem is that my boyfriend doesnt respect me in the slightest...hed prefer to leave me at home when he goes out... will come to visit me when ever it pleases him and it doesnt matter what i say..maybe its me to oand i will accept some of the blame i can be a bit clingy and i will admit to that but it just seems to me that hes having his cake and eatin it at the same time if you know what i mean... hes said to me so many times after bein together 2 and half years that hes movin to america when he finishes his apprentiship to become an electritian...so i really wonder will he leave me or is this a self esteem issue for him and is he just trying to make himself feel better...please reply...desperatly seeking advice xxx
-- Shauna, Dublin, Ireland

Dear Shauna:
Your man is thinking that he found himself a sucker! Sorry, but someone has to tell you like it is!

He's tough on your son and you allow this, goes out on his own all the time, then scares you stating he's gona leave, so you cling to him like he's the last guy on earth. When the opportunity presents itself, he will leave you, that's for sure. He's only looking out for #1, himself! You are nothing but a doormat to him!

Shauna, you are wasting your time. Think about your future, your sons well being! There are alot of nice fun guys out there, but you will never meet them if you don't drop this bum! You can try talking to him, but more than likely he's gona tell you what you want to hear, or threaten to leave for the states like before, then pull the same bullshit with you all over again! He's playing games with your head, time you pulled the plug!
I hope this helped! Take care of yourself and your son!

Working Two Girls, How Do I Play This?

Yo Al:
I'm currenly seein two girls, my wife and her best friend. Her best friend wants me to spend more time wit her, but my wife is so needy dat I barely have time to see myself in a mirror. How can I work both of dem witout gettin caught? I Can't afford a divorce right now!

I only want an answer how to play dis, not how fucked up you might dink dis is. Danks!
-- Terrence, Komton, CA

Dear Terrence:
You're SCREWED!

Message from your wife (edited for decency):

You muddafudin cheating piece of shit! I show you Al's blog and your illiterate crack ass writes him for advice? I'm a regular here you fuckin dumbass! You have one hour to pack your bags before I clock your ass with my wiffle bat! Tell my dear friend "the ho" to keep her distance or I'll clock her ass too!

We live in Compton, not Komton!
-- Tamara, Compton, CA

You tell him, Tamara!

Tell Me Pope Benedict's Life Is Happening!

Dear Al:
I'm obsessed with Pope Benedict XVI!
Since Benedict became Pope, I've researched everything about him, from his glory days as a Brown Shirt, up until his Popeness. What's troubling me is I think he's bored, since he's surrounded by other boring people, probably counting the cracks on his walls!

Al, please tell me that Pope Benedict's life is happening! I hate to think of his Holiness bored out of his mind!
-- Joe Schmo, Kansas City

Dear Joe:
No way is Pope Benedict's life boring, he's a free wheeling dude!
Besides traveling all over the world, and reading his latest favorite "The Da Vinci Code", he has a personal library of DVD movies to choose from!



Comments closed on posts older than 2 weeks.

Can U Suggest Some Cool Summer Jobs?

dearest al:
as a first year uni student with friday and weeknds off, can u suggest some cool jobs for me to get soem cash? im probably majoring accounting, but only experienced in bakery shop. what should i work as?!
so many to choose frm! soemthing fun for 18yr old me? or career-wise? =i
laborous, un-career relevant but easier to get jobs like...brand takeaways? checkout chic? or hava crack at database enrty, market call-surveying -_- (frustating)

hope u find me a job thats not min. wage, meets ppl =) and not daggy.
-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:
At first I was gona recommend some customer service positions, but then I remembered that almost all are outsourced to Bangalore India. Don't you hate that?

In fields like retail and hospitality, employers are often very interested in hiring teens. There are alot of great outdoor jobs like working at a park, beach, or summer camp. How about a job at a hospital, zoo, or at a museum? You could also tutor English over the weekends! How cool is that?

Let your friends, family, teachers know that you're looking for a job.
You might find a weekend or summer job this way through referrals. For more info about finding a job check out "Teen Jobs" and "Teen Job Search Tips" at About.com. I hope this helped! Good luck!

I Am A Not So Socialable Girl.

Dear Al:
I don't get along well with some of my classmates. I recently moved to the States in hopes of achieving my dream but I can't seem to make any good friends prior my journey in studies. I have tried to be more social with them as well as talking to them and I have tried to be their friend but they just won't accept me on a whole. Is it my personality? Is it the way I carry myself in front of them? Is there any way of knowing what they really want from me or expect from me? Why is it so hard for me to be accepted into any social groups! Do you have any suggestions on how I can make friends who will accept and like me for who I am?

Thank you for your time and I look forward to what advice you got for me. =) Thank you!
-- Flustered, USA

Dear Flustered:
Make yourself socialable, drink heavy!

A previous writer had a similar problem, hopefully she followed my advice and not wasting away with work, or watching reruns of Star Trek! Like I told her, get involved with school and community activities, sports, and special interest activities.

Good luck, Flustered! I was kidding about drinking.

Feeling So Conflicted!

Dear Al:
You seem like a decent guy, and I would just like a little bit of advice about a friend of mine.

Y'see, I had a friend who'll I'll call Z. The problem is, though she was my friend, she was always so needy, clingy, and darn right insulting to me and about my friends (when in my opinion she had no reason to be like that over herslef or others), yet I was fine with her as I rarely saw her and sometimes she could be fun(plus we had similar music tastes). She seemed to like me, and used me to as a earpiece.

However, I've recently gone to university and have escaped her influence. While there I have also got myself a boyfriend who I think the world of. However, M has decided to generally be insulting to me over email about me ('I've changed' as I don't have enough time to listen to her problems all evening) and my boyfriend-a lad she has never met. It came to a head when I stuck up for another friend and she said that I was generally disaggreeing with her too much in a matter of speaking with a few more swear words. After all I have done for her, I stopped speaking to her.

The problem is, as a friend I miss her. She could be funny and I keep on replaying the arguement in my head as there was so much I wish I had told her about how fustrated she made me and how she wound me up with her continual whining.

You must think I'm an idiot for putting up with someone like that for so long. To be honest, I think I am, but that is largely due to being as tolerant with people as physically possible. I just hate the idea of people not liking me or falling out with me.

All I would like to know is; did I do the right thing stopping myself from talking to this friend, and how can I stop feeling so conflicted over Z?

Ta, Al!
-- X

Dear X:
Is M also Z? I'm lost on the second paragraph!

If this problem with your friend is troubling you, give her a call and try to patch things up, but that doesn't mean to kiss her ass! She either has to accept you having other friends or accept not having you as a friend, and if she has nothing else to talk about other than problems 24-7, she needs to seek a psychiatrist. Friends can disagree and still be friends, but if she can't handle that... drop this fruit cake!

Z will grow up one day, but until then hang out with the rest of the alphabet!

I Have A Big Problem!

Dear Al:
A few days ago I woke up and realized there was something hard in my boxer shorts. I tried to ignore it and a few minutes later it went away. Since then I was afraid of getting this thing again. Today in school I saw a very pretty girl and suddenly I had the feeling that my trousers were too tight. I nearly started to cry, because I din´t know what was going on. here in Germany exists a magazin called "Bravo", which has got an extra part about sexuality. It´s called " Dr. Sommer Team". An inner voice told me to ask the team around Dr. Sommer for help. But I´m too afraid they print my letter in there magazin and everyone in school loughes about me. So I´m searching the anonymity of the I-Net and I´m asking you for help. What can I do against that hard thing? but the most important question is: What the hell is that thing in my boxer shorts?

Peace for the world says Friedel and wishes Al a great day.
-- Friedel, Germany, Sankt Augustin

Dear Friedel:
Sounds like you have a serious case of Bratwurst! You need to seek a professional to have it surgically removed, then visit the town hall to change your name to Frieda. I hope this helped!

Say if I Quit Chips And Coke

Dear Al:
Your solutions are crass - but funny and makes so much sense lol.

I'm so sick of being overweight and not having a life, but I'm food greedy and keep eating junk at home--> especially to CELEBRATE a weight loss X(

Say if this guy liked me now and we get along, would he ask me out after I quit chips and coke and glamour up? I duno... shout at me Al.
-- yo-yo dieter, Sidney, Australia

Dear Yo-Yo Dieter:
Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Did that help? No?

Look, you might have a chance with him right now! Quit the junkfood for yourself, not to attract this guy. Consult your doctor before you start any weight loss program, diets, or workout. I hope this helped!

How To Write A Girl

Dear Al:
I've been wondering why girls are such a pain? I love one girl, but she just never gonna accept me. Once I messaged her this "Hey can we be together, tough im fat. Can? Please..." She replied " No! I don't like fat and ugly guy." I'm not that UGLY as she said and not that FAT. I am just a cool guy who understands people feelings, and chat with them while they are down. Please, AL, Advice please. :)
-- Fabb, Singapore

Dear Fabb:
First you tell her you're fat, then you state you're not that fat... Are you nuts?

Never ever put yourself down when you're writing a girl! They already know what you look like, you don't have to remind them. Second, don't beg! The feel sorry for me act doesn't work, specially when you're fat. Nobody wants to be with a needy person!

When you write a girl, compliment her, but don't over do it. You need to grab their attention, not scare them away! If you still love this girl that called you fat and ugly, you have some serious problems.

Good luck!

How Can I Meet Nice Guys?

Dear Al:
I am 25 years old gal and I have never been in a relationship before...is there anyway you can teach me how I could get to meet some nice guys? I am a really quiet type and not those kind of outgoing person and I am not the type of ppl who are good at socialising either and gets very nevous when I am in a crowded places.....am I a hopeless case?
-- Cherry, China

Dear Cherry:
Nothing is hopeless! I'm AL, Dammit!

First expand your view of what a nice guy is, or you may never meet one. It's nice if they have alot money, smart, funny, with great looks, but chances of meeting that guy is pretty slim. I'm not saying to go out with Henry Earl, just don't be so picky!

When a group of guys approach you and your girlfriends, see if you notice if any of them have a problem making eye contact, nervous, with a not so sure look on his face. Sometimes this type of nice guy stays behind at the bar or table since he's shy himself, while his friends hit on you.
If this nice guy tries to talk to you, there's a good chance he'll say something stupid like "Ever heard of Jackie Chan?", since he's nervous like yourself, but if you give him a chance things might work out.

Maybe you should give that guy you only like as a friend, that you've known for years a chance. That nice guy might be right under your nose!

Mount St. Helen

Dear Al:
I have this big zit on my face my girlfriend nicknamed Mount Saint Helen, since the head is so white and large as hell! She's afraid to kiss me fearing that it could burst in her face, I'm embarrassed about being in public, and the guys at work rag on me all the time calling me zit instead of Zach! Al, have any advice?
-- Zach, Tucson Arizona

Dear Zach:
Pop it, you freakin idiot! Sheesh!

Zit face, how did you get my email anyway?

Feel Like I Don't Belong

Dear Al:
so i have some school problems especially with math and no one actually listens to me. im in math honors which is something i worked my butt off for and when i finally get it i feel like i dont belong. first of all every friend of mine wants to cheat off me. im only geting 80s and i feel uncomfortable. the class is overcrowed and i cant see anything he writes. i feel like i dont belong and i want to get out but if i get out then im afraid it might look bad on my report card. what should i do?
-- Stephanie, Math Honors

Dear Stephanie:
Are you also having problems with English? Thanks! I don't feel so bad about my writting!

Why in the name of all that's holy would anybody want to make math honors? Anyway, you wouldn't be there if you didn't have what it takes, which alot of MTV Real World watching morons wished they had, brains! Don't take this the wrong way, you can be smart and cool at the same time. My brainiac brother had girls lined up around the block... twice!

Ask your teacher if he could move you closer to the board, which would also relieve you of the pressure of your moronic friends copying off ya, and just do your best. If you still don't feel comfortable about being there, talk to your math teacher and find out what your options are.
I hope this helped!

Torn between two!

Dear Al:
I'm currently torn between two men.
One is 2 years younger than me, is a musician, loves working out in the gym, gorgeous, very independent, motivated, ambitious, practical, and down to earth.

The other's 6 years older, writes the most beautiful poetry, romantic, dreamy, articulate, expressive, idealistic, lives for the moment and doesn't-think of-the-consequences-kinda guy.

They are both poles apart and special in their own ways. I'm attracted to both and I can't decide which one to pick! Help me!
-- Torn, Denmark

Dear Torn:
Which one is better in bed? Serious! You don't want to get stuck with an amateur, believe me! On the other hand, the other guy might need Viagra, and if he's allergic to it, that's an eternity in front of the TV!

Since you're attracted to both of them, draw straws! Or better! Stick with the one who goes out of his way to be with you, who's not so wrapped up in his own world, but tries to be wrapped up in yours.
I hoped this helped!

The photo above is by WALTERito.

Hav A Pimple Probem!

DearAl:
I hav a big pimple on ma lip! I feld it comin in a coupel of days ago but did nart dink much bout it til ma wife notised it an sed "O my God I wana pop it!", an she did an it hert like a bich! Ma wife now has one on her lip, an it is biger dan minds! Coud it be comin frum da pigs feet we eat evory now an den? Apresheate yor help!
-- Ray, Georgia

Dear Ray:
I am nart shore, butt it souns like you boof mite hav herpeas, jus wonda how you caut it befor you gav it to yor wife? You did nart cach it frum da pigs feet, maybee frum trinkin frum sumone elsis trink. I recomens you boof see a doktor as soon as posibowl, an visit da RIF site.

Sorree it took me so lang to rite bac, hope I am nart to layt!

I Think Too Much

Dear Al:
I think way too much about things that other people never seem to even notice.
What should I do?
-- Annika, www.expatsinitaly.com/annika

Dear Annika:
Stop thinking!

I Hate My Job!

Dear Al:
I am just out of school and have been working for almost a year in a job that pays well, gave me car, an expense account, a computer, a cell phone, insurance, the whole shebang (not sure if that is actually how you spell shebang). The thing is, I HATE my job and have hated it just about since I started. I've been saying for 6 months that I am going to quit, but I haven't gone through with it. In the last fews weeks I have gotten kinda lazy and started slacking off in day to day responsibilities - I think the end is near. I would quit today if I knew I had a another job waiting for me, but that is alot easier said than done.
I have a couple leads that look promising, but you never know what could come of that. My current employer knows nothing of my discontent and it is really going to blow them away. I know the smart thing to do is just to ride it out until I find something, but I have gotten so lazy in my job the last few weeks that it would be hard continue like this. I want to free myself from this job, this burden that I have created in my life, and clear my thoughts...but I don't know how smart it is to go without real income and insurance. Should I quit now, breath a little easier, and continue my search for a new job (possibly taking a part time); or should I trudge through the next few weeks, continuing my laziness until something better comes up?
-- Jackson, Alabama

Dear Jackson:
You know what's gona come up if you continue your laziness for the next few weeks? A boot in your ass!

Pull yourself out of this slump, be the best at what you was hired to do, while you're looking for another job. No new employer will hire you if your old employer states that you SUCKED, but McDonalds might give you a chance.

To my readers who responded to my entry before this one, you are all worthy!

Weight Problem After Childbirth

Dear Al:
During the pregnancy I gained quite a bit of weight and eventhough it has been 3 months since the delivery, I have not been able to shed a pound so far. I have tried aerobics, cut out on sugar and fried food, go for walks every day with our little son, but nothing is working. The problem is that my husband is not motivating me to lose the weight, he claims now that I am fat, there is more to grab!

What should I do? I want to go shopping for new clothes, but I want to lose these extra pounds first!

Thank you for your advice. And don't be rude!!
-- Cristina, Curitiba, Brazil

Dear Christina:
Sounds like your husband loves you no matter what you look like, which is great, but he could've worded it differently. You probably had this conversation with your husband, but tell him again how seriously you need his help! No more fat jokes!

If he's still not taking you serious, then tell him "If you don't help me, I'll pull a Roseanne Barr by packing on a ton of weight, and the only way you be able to grab me is with a lasso!" If he begins to laugh, stuff your face full of cake! That will show him!

Serious, right after childbirth your body needs to recover. Your iron and vitamin and mineral stores have been depleted. Seventy percent of new mothers are anemic. Therefore, you shouldn't think of dieting for two to three months after childbirth.

Immediately after the baby is born, you will lose about 11 pounds. You will then lose 9 to 11 more pounds over the next few weeks in fluids, a shrinking uterus, etc. Then your goal should be to lose no more than one to two pounds a month for the first six months. Losing more than 4 1/2 pounds a month is unsafe.

Man, I wish I was smart enough to know all of the above! Discovered this information on WebMD, you can read more half way down the page on WebMD from Brown.

I hope this helped!

No one is laughing!

Dear AL:
I'm a Standup comedian. I've been doing standup at the local improv for the last 3 years since I graduated High School. I use to make some people laugh, but now they mostly look at me like I'm a freakin retard.
I was thinking about going to an improv school, but with my job I can't afford it.

Al, standup is all I know! Have any ideas?
-- Ray, California

Dear Ray:
If you think by going to an improv school it's gona improve your standup, you must really suck! Sit your ass down!

Hope this helped!