My breast implants are crooked. Nipple out of place!

Dear AL:
Not long ago I got myself breasts implants, and from day one I noticed they're uneven. One boob is lower than the other and a nipple is out of place! An inch and a half higher and my nipple would be under my chin! The plastic surgeon told me that it was normal after surgery and that it would correct itself, but they haven't! I have to wear padding to make my breasts look level, but then one looks smooth while the other one is perky. Just pointing to my face!

I want to see another plastic surgen to fix this, but my breasts are under warranty. I'm afraid the surgen who implanted them will mess up again, but at the same time a new surgeon could make matters worse. What should I do?
-- Molly, California

Dear Molly:
Return your boobies! More than likely the surgeon who done your implants will mess up again, or he might get lucky leveling your breasts, but your nipples might end up cockeyed.

If your breasts are under warranty like a Michelin tire, return them and get a full refund. Don't forget to get the before photos so the next surgeon could restore your rack back to what they were before, that's unless you want to chance augmentation again. Just a few words of warning... Implants wear after a few years and you will be back for a tune-up, but more than likely a clean-up. A nipple staring you dead in the eye will be the least of your worries. Think about your health!

Avira Free Antivirus installed Ask.com trojan, AskStub.exe


Dear AL:
I was a long time user of Avira Free Antivirus up until it infected my computer with a replicating trojan. While installing Avira, it asked if I wanted to install the Ask.com toolbar which I declined. Well Avira secretly installed a trojan belonging to Ask.com called the AskStub. For over a week the AskStub.exe trojan has been trying to access the internet from various locations on my operating system, but my Zonealarm firewall blocked each attempt displaying where this trojan was located at the time. Not knowing it was linked to Avira, I tried using Avira Free Antivirus to detect it, but it found nothing. I then decided to uninstall Avira Free Antivirus since it couldn't detect it and while doing so it paused while Ask.com's AskStub trojan attempted to access the internet again. Suspicious, I cancelled the uninstallation of Avira, then attempted the uninstallation again of Avira which activated the AskStub trojan again. Thinking this had to be a coincidence, I cancelled and restarted the uninstallation of Avira Free Antivirus and it launched the AskStub trojan again! Each time I cancelled the uninstallation of Avira using Windows Task-Manager, Avira's uninstallation would remain paused on my screen until I commanded ZoneAlarm to block the AskStub trojan. Why is that? Why is this happening? What is Avira trying to deliver to Ask.com?
-- Mr. Avira Hater, Silicon Valley

Hey Mr.:
Avira is delivering your soul! Avira is making money from Ask.com by installing the AskStub trojan on to your computer. The AskStub trojan is like a hidden autonomous browser, hijacking, zombifying your system to visit Ask.com to make it seem to advertisers that Ask.com is popular which is why they paid Avira to make this trojan as part of their antivirus install. This trojan might even be clicking links to visit advertisers websites to make it seem you're interested in their products. Your system might have been checking out Viagra and other enchancements products, giving away your email like you're desperate for a pecker-picker-upper. Excuse me if you are!

Anyway, by Avira Free Antivirus installing the AskStub trojan onto your computer, makes Avira Free Antivirus a trojan itself. If Avira went this far to the dark side, don't be surprised if Avira leaves a little something behind when you do uninstall it. If you're never to use there product again which they know will happen, they are sure as hell going to try to continue to make some money from this loss. You're probably visiting sites selling blow-up dolls at this very moment! Hopefully you haven't brought one!

Buy yourself a good antivirus!

I'm in a abusive relationship with my wife.



Dear AL:
My wife of 50 years is very abusive to me. If I come home a few minutes late from work she yells. When I find something funny, she states my laugh is disgusting. When we have friends over she makes fun of my clothes and mocks everything I say. Last weekend while I rehearsed a hymn with my mother, she told us both to shut the f-up! She constantly calls me scheissekopf, arsch gesicht, hundin, and yells Leck mich am Arsch! I'm at my wit's end with this woman! How can I stop her verbal abuse?
-- Brian, Baltimore

Yo Brian:
Hide her dentures!

Seriously, she sounds like she's suffering from dementia. And if you haven't already, get her diagnosed. Guaranteed she's going to start calling ya douchebag, but you'll know she's a fruitcake or a bitch. Either way you could commit her easily, but if you still love her, buy yourself earplugs. She'll stop harrassing ya knowing you can barely hear her, but don't be surprised if she buys a megaphone. If she loves to fight, let her do it with a nurse!

Life is short, and for you it's shorter. Make the best of the years you have left.

Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole... friends?

Hey AL:
I prepared a perfectly roasted turkey. Seasoned it for 2 days. Have mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, yams and green bean casserole. Lots of stuffing, dressing and dinner rolls. Cran berry sauce up the ying yang and 4 punkin pies. All this is ready to eat, but no one is here. How do I invite guests at the last minute?
-- Brandon, New York

Yo Brandon:
Call and old folks home.

Dude, invitations are planned in advance. You don't prepare a thanksgiving dinner and hope someone smells it. You could try phoning people if you have friends, but more than likely they have plans. The best thing you could do right now is bring everything to a shelter or call and old folks home. All this good food shouldn't have to go to waste.

Think of the needy today, and I don't mean yourself. You have a whole 12 months to make friends for next Thanksgiving. Start today by helping a few in your area.

How to fix an over brine thanksgiving turkey



Dear AL:
My thanksgiving dinner is ruined! Right now everyone is sitting in the livingroom waiting on my turkey which tastes like the Dead Sea! My bird usually tastes great after brining it with salt and spices for a couple of days, but the turkey my husband brought home was KOSHER! It was already salted to death and I added on top of that! Al, I don't want to feed my guests only stuffing. What can I do?!
-- Army wife, Germany


Dear Army wife:
Send your husband to McDonalds.

Look... I'm sure it's late over there. The only thing you could do is feed them stuffing and whatever else you have prepared. No way you'll be able to fix that turkey. Your bird might be ruined, but don't let that ruin the rest of the night. Be thankful your friends showed up to fill up on bread.

I'm sure everyone would get a good laugh out of this, that's unless they're porkers who were looking to get stuffed, then you're screwed!

Happy thanksgiving!

My feet stink. What would you do in my shoes?

Dear Al:
The most wonderful man I ever had in my life left me. He left me because my feet stink! I haven't noticed it myself that night, but when he started becoming distant to the point that he kept getting up to use the toilet every ten minutes at our favorite restaurant, I knew something was wrong. At first I thought it was diarrhea when I asked him to which he responded "Don't you smell it?" I said jokingly "It's ok... you cleaned your ass pretty good." He then said "Not me, you..." which I responded "I don't have the runs." Then all of a sudden he got up stating that he has to run, but it wasn't to the toilet this time. He ran out of the restaurant! When I caught him outside he apologized and said that he couldn't do this anymore and almost threw up as he pointed to my feet! I was speechless! I knew I had a little problem, but I didn't think it was that bad! He then walked away, looking back at me... slowly panning down to my feet. I then caught myself a taxi, but was only driven halfway home before I got kicked out!

Al, I've been together with this person for almost two months, but it feels like forever! There's got to be something I could do about my feet! What would you do in my shoes?
-- Leslie, Down Under

Dear Leslie:
Take them off! Think I want to stink?!

Seriously, you need to wash your feet twice everyday in a bathtub or basin. You wont get good results showering to avoid touching your funk. Once they're dry, powder them. Try to wear open sandals. But if you have athletes foot, cover that crap with socks! See a freakin doctor!

You also need to change out your shoes. Don't rock the same ones everyday!

Maybe he'll come back once you have corrected this problem. But if not, at least the people at the restaurant will be happy.

He's cool... Should I act like nothing happened?

Hey AL:
I need your help!!! I don’t understand this man that I met and I need your advice!!!

Long story short, I have known this man called “P” for about a year, P ‘s boss is my business client and that’s how I come to know him. We have known each other for about a year and during these period, we only communicating with each other once every two /three months (For biz purpose).

Out of the blue, P invited me to lunch 2 weeks ago and I didn’t know it was a date or not, but I said yes anyway. During the 4 hours lunch, he talked a lot about himself (from his childhood to his adult life and more personal stuff (like his relationship with his family) that I didn’t expect to hear. I didn’t really talk much during the lunch as I did encourage P to talk more of himself and I was very intrigued with his life stories and experience (but I also realised I can only see him as a friend). He insisted paying for the lunch and when I objected, he said I could pay for the next one….


I did send him a thank you email on the same day but I haven’t heart from him eversince!!! So I shoot him an whatsapp msg yesterday but he ignored me!! WTH?? OK..eventhough P doesn’t think I am datable, can’t we just be friend?? He seems like a cool guy to hangout with and now I feel a bit awkward about the next time we have a business meeting! How should I react? Should I just pretend we didn’t even have that “lunch” thing and just try to act like nothing happened?
-- Confused Woman

Yo Confused Woman
You're probably confused as to why I haven't responded in over two months, which is not new to you the way you handle that business relationship. You stated before that your communication with P was once every two to three months and your concerned why he hasn't responded to your message two weeks after that lunch together? The man is ignoring you and you're asking me how you should react at your next business meeting? Well, here's a clue. Don't ask him how's his family is doing during your PowerPoint presentation!

Your first mistake was having lunch with your client's employee! You've done business with P. You don't take him up for a corn-dog!

Second, there shouldn't be a second! Anyway, second, as soon as P opened up about his pathetic life, you should've stopped him at birth! You should've looked at your watch and remembered your meeting with an imaginary client.

Third... pretty sad it's gone this far. Sending P a thank you email after you probably thanked him for lunch (another mistake) was moronic. Never say THANK YOU! Those words are for retailers on the store floor! It wasn't an official date, and why thank someone who made your ears bleed?

Fourth... whatever... Don't worry if P is present at your business meeting with your client. The man has ignored you (smart move on is part) for over two weeks. That lunch was a mistake, so carry on like it nevered happened. If for some reason P brings it up out of embarrassement due to your professionalism at the meeting say "No problem... Lets talk business." If he insists to talk about it say "Sorry... Meeting someone for lunch," and get your ass out of there! Don't stick around to listen to his current life story, doing your clients laundry!

If you're out of business by now since I haven't responded in time, chalk this up as a lessoned learned. You'll know what to do in your next life!

How can I stop liberal drivers speeding in my neighborhood?

Dear AL:
I have two children, an eight year old and a five year old and I'm constantly worried about liberal speeders who pass through my neighborhood. My 8 year old's friends live just across the street, and he knows the rules to look both way before he crosses, but I escort him across out of fear of those crazy liberal drivers. I also fear for my safety as well as my childs since they drive so fast. Is there anything I can do to stop these liberal maniacs?

Vicki, Danger Road, surrounded by liberals

Dear Vicki:
Liberals? How do you know they're not Teabaggers?

Look, attend your next community council meeting and make a request for speed bumps. The speed bumps will also inconvenience you as well as your neighbors, but think of your family's safety. Even with speed bumps you should still cross the street with your child until these morons get use to these gentle reminders.

Just don't build your own, it's against the law!

Watched YouTube videos of fat belly girls... Jealous

Dear AL:
For as long as I can remember I have always loved fat bellies. I have always watched youtube videos of girls playing with their own. I became jealous. I want to know how I could get a bigger belly as soon as possible.
--Savannah, Florida

Dear Savannah:
You're kidding, right?

Darling, having a belly isn't what it's crack up to be. It might look great to you, but eventually it will droop looking like an oversized fanny pack. According to a new study from Boston University School of Medicine, besides heart attacks and heart disease, having excess fat around the Abdomen may shrink your brain boosting your risk of dementia. Those girls showing off their kegs on YouTube is a prime example.

Love yourself as you are, but if by chance you gain weight, try to keep it under control to save whatever brain cells you have left. Spare YouTube, the world another jelly performance. Please!

Boston University School of Medicine Study:
Reference link

WebMD reporting on Boston study:
Reference link

What it bees like?


Hey AL:
Thing is when we're frontin', we'll be talkin' smack and shit. But sometimes it bees like "Dawg, what you're talkin bout?" Then he'll be dissing, but not harsh and I'll be like "What the fuck?" then we're laffing like nothing happened. Another time ace bees like "Dawg, where's your game?" But I don't carry it around so I say "You dissing me?" and he smiles and then again we're laffing and shit. We play around like it's no thing, illing nonstop and snapin wit our peeps and slammin phat chicks that obviously know better, but when your mama raised you right you're wonderin' if it's all that and a pack of chips. It makes me think. So what it bees likes, Al? What it bees like?
-- Marvin, Detroit

Yo Marvin:
Bees like pollen. I hope this helped! :P

Local national installation pass violation

Dear AL:
Every other week when I work the late shift with my coworker, he goes shopping with his friend for about an hour and a half. He's a German local national with restrictions on his installation pass which is only good for going to work and that's it, but he's telling me he's allowed to leave his place of duty to get something to eat. Only thing he's been going to the shopette which sells snacks and alcohol with an American family member and when he gets back he pulls his dinner out of his backpack which he makes at home. I think he's buying alcohol because his speech is slurred by the time we close shop! My problem is that I've been delegated to run our facility while our boss is on vacation, and usually when this happens it's party time for my coworker. Besides going on his shopping spree, he sometimes leaves work early and comes to work late the following day hammered, but that doesn't stop him from roaming around post. He's a nice guy and I hate confrontation, but I'm afraid for my livelyhood. I'm not married to a service member. I'm just a civilian that can be easily fired. What can I do?!
-- Troubled in Germany

Dear Troubled:
Grab your balls/cooch and report his ass! This Pilstard might act nice, but in reality he thinks you're a chump or he wouldn't be leaving his place of duty, risking your job as well as his over a six pack of corona. He could be under surveillance, so you stating to the authorities that you didn't know he left the building wont hold water if he's done this more than once. Take care of yourself because he obviously doesn't care about you. I bet he hasn't offered you a drink, so what does that say?

Date boyfriend... don't see long term relationship

Dear AL:
What are "boyfriends" for? Should we date one we don't picture the long term with?
-- Nice Girl, Germany

Dear Nice:
If you're clueless about boyfriends, like they're this foreign part of an automobile engine, don't take them for a spin!

Now if you want to date someone, you better make sure he's not desperate for something permanent and you have plenty of condoms. Last thing you want is to become a single parent because he never pictured a long term relationship with you, just a one night stand.

My husband obsession with Donkey Kong

Dear AL:
Almost every day my husband plays Donkey Kong since he brought this old arcade machine years ago. It keeps him out of trouble, but it's annoying that he spends more time with that game than me. He beats it every night, but keeps playing because he was told by some asshole about secret levels if he can time Mario's jump just right. I want him to time his jump with me, but he barely talks anymore while he's playing when I try to get his attention. Just holds a finger up, asking for a minute, but he never gets off it! Al, I want my husband back!
-- Andrea, California

Dear Andrea:
Hang a temporary out of order sign on his machine that also states "...can be permanent if you don't fuck me!"

After he jumps your bones, while you have his attention, tell coco there's no secret levels in that game. Back then it was all about quick profits. No one thought of hiding hidden levels in an arcade machine. If he doesn't buy it, there's always the circuit breakers. Good luck!

Girlfriend found another girls phone number

Hey AL:
My girlfriend is very upset with me. She found another girls phone number in my jeans back pocket. I tried to explain to her that my buddy planted it there as a joke while we was wrestling, but she's not buying it. How can I patch things up?
-- Jeff, Australia

Yo Jeff:
Start by telling her the truth. Your buddy reaching into your back pocket has to be the dumbest excuse I've ever heard, but if this really happened, sounds like he's going Brokeback Mountain on your ass. Best you set him straight, and I don't mean giving him a hard-on by letting him go down your front pockets! *Puke*

If you're full of shit, which you probably are, tell her the truth, but be prepared to get dumped, Beaves. Let her go if this is a habit of yours... collecting numbers, not rolling in the mud with George!

My husband's best friend's affair... no where to go

Dear AL:
I moved in with my best friend because my husband admitted to an affair. Today my best friend admitted to having an affair with my husband! I can't believe it! She said she's sorry and what sucks is that I have no where to go. My parents live on the other side of the planet. She said I can stay with her but I want to scratch her eyes out! I lost all feeling for both of them, but I need a place to stay. What can I do? I want to trash his car so bad. I still have his spare keys!
-- Gia, Pennsylvania

Dear Gia:
Don't trash his car! Maybe squish grilled cheese under his seats, but don't thrash his car.

Look, he cheated, so go home and kick his ass out! You shouldn't be the one to move. I know it wont be easy staying at a place you shared with your husband... just deal with it until you find yourself another place. Longest you'll be in jail is a couple of days if you damage his car, then where are you going to live?

Big Oil Clean Energy Strategy with no investment.

Deepwater Horizon oil spill as seen from space by NASA's Terra satellite on May 24, 2010
Al:

I work for an international oil corporation. If you were intrusted to come up with a strategy to convert over to clean energy with mininmun investment to do so, what would your strategy be? Incase you're wondering, I don't work for BP. Very unfortunate what's happening in the Gulf of Mexico. Hopefully they stop the oil leak soon.
-- George the Oilman

Dear Gusher
Any real investment instead of those bullshit clean energy commericals on CNN will return huge profits in the future, but since you guys want to pinch pennies you could do it the old fahion way. Have us tax payers foot the bill. Why change now?

Say you want to sell hydrogen in the US:

1. Get together with the auto industry and pick a state to start with or service stations across the country.

2. Have Uncle Sam (taxpayers) foot the bill for a new hydrogen vehicle factory, fuel station conversions and new hydrogen creation plants by the ocean.

3. The technology is out there for vehicles to produce their own hydrogen while idled or in use, so your factory could also be a simple water collection/treatment plant.

4. Hydrogen vehicles will have a special fuel tank connection that will only open at hydrogen or H2O fueling stations. To conserve clean water at home (insure company profits), the government will have to inact a law where heavy fines are issued if water from homes and other public works is treated to fuel hydrogen vehicles.

5. Finally, show commercials of these real world changes on CNN. (No bullshit this time.)

6. Total conversion of all car factories and fuel stations and more water or hydrogen plants on coasts paid by taxpayers (like we had a choice in the past). Hey, if my tax dollars adverts another oil catastrophie and saves the environment, you guys can pick my pockets (I'm fuckin kidding ok!).

Big Oil Pros:
* You didn't spend a single dollar to convert to clean energy.
* No more drilling! There's a lot of ocean out there.
* During hurricane season, pump prices will go sky high! 100 dollars a barrel every summer... no fault of your own.
* You'll finally get hear Sarah Palin say "Suck, baby, suck!" but not like you're gonna get something, ok, so dream on.

Taxpayer Pros:
* Tax dollars will finally be used to save the environment, not destroy it.
* Job creation that promotes clean energy.
* When conversion to this clean technology is complete nation wide, you wont need our tax dollars anymore.
* More tax dollars for Wall Street Bailouts! Oops... that's fuckin' a con.

Now if any of you oil corporations out there inacts this clean energy strategy, remember you heard it here first. I want my two dollars! TWO DOLLARS!

Since Armageddon, I fear meteorites!


Dear AL:
Some people fear flying, swimming, dogs. Since I saw the movie Armageddon when it first came out, I fear of getting hit by a meteor. Not world annihilation, just me. I'm always looking up in hope I see it coming so I can get out of the way. I scream when birds poop on me when I walk under trees! Any advice?
-- Desperate in New York

Dear Desperate:
Stay away from forrests.

Seriously, play paintball. That will get your minds off those meteorites and on to gelatin. Stings like a bitch, but you'll be alright, that's unless you forget to wear your facemask, then you're as good a dead. I hope this helped! :-)

How to delete a Facebook account


Dear AL:
WhenI decided to deactivate my Facebook account, this pathetic social network tried to make me feel bad stating on the deactivation page that my friends wont be able to keep intouch with me. They'll miss me. Like we all did away with our telephones and this is the only means of communication. After being hounded to join Mafia Wars for ages, the dumbass virtual pillow fight game, asked to be put on the MyCalender 2010 application when my birthday clearly shows on my Facebook profile and all those security breaches to my privacy, this was the last straw, so I decided to delete my account permanently. Just one problem. I can't find the damn delete button! I'm trapped! I would really appreciate your help in deleting my suckbook account. I want my old life back, minus FarmVille invitations!

-- Meredith, Colorado

Dear Meredith:
I've looked for hours on my Facebook account, but I couldn't find the delete button. You better get use to those pokes.

Seriously, I did find the delete button. I had to fuckin' Google it! Facebook has purposely hidden this option so you can't permanently jump ship. Kind of reminds me of the Eagles song "Hotel California".
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before
"Relax," said the night man, "We are programmed to receive
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave"

And it's gonna get to that point when they permanently remove their hidden delete button. Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook is moving in that direction. Wonder if I should close my account while I can. Nah... I enjoy those iHeart invites. NOT!

Hey Meredith, when you delete your account, guess what, it's still there. It will take around two weeks for Facebook to remove your info from their servers, so don't mess with this process by logging in to see if it works. Resist the temptation or be forever nagged to play Texas hold 'em!

Boyfriend has male breasts... boobies!

Dear AL:
This is kind of awkward, but I have to vent. My boyfriend has boobies! Now I'm not talking sags of skin after losing weight. I'm talking jugs about the size of Pamela Andersons! We've been dating for months and I never noticed them before. Then last week I noticed his chest was buldging. He told me he just finished pumping iron at his gym, which made me so hot, I convinced him to come back to my place. I've been waiting for that special day forever. Little did I know how special he was. When he took off his shirt I couldn't believe my eyes! I was expecting buldging chest muscles. Instead I got boobies! They were larger than mine and I thought I was huge! He then said he has a confession to make. He didn't workout. I then told him that I never noticed them before. He then looked down and said he had them lifted. He lifted his man boobs! I almost threw-up when I ran to the bathroom, but after a few minutes I returned to the bedroom. I was hoping he would have his shirt on, but he was standing their with his arms crossed covering his breasts with his hands! I turned away. I then asked him if he was a transsexual, but he responded no, that they're not implants. I then asked him why he had them lifted instead of having them removed. He responded while looking down at his chest that he thought they would look better instead of sagging. I then got dressed... said sorry, and haven't seen him since.

We talked today, and he said he misses me, but I can't bring myself to see him even though I miss him to. I haven't told him how I feel. Al, I know I'll get sick to my stomach if I see them again. What would you do in my shoes?

-- Uri, Taiwan

Dear Uri:
Carry a pack of Alka-Seltzer.

Seriously, if you can't see yourself mashing your boobs against his (ew...), tell him about it. Let him know how you feel about him and maybe he'll surprise you by seeing a physician again. But if his condition is ireversible and he's comfortable about his boobies, maybe you can get use to them, but until then tell him to keep his shirt on and buy yourself some Dragon Skin body armor. You'll be alright.

She's friendless, gross and insulting. Wont leave me alone!

Dear AL:
There's a girl in my neighborhood who is a year older than me, and has very few friends. I am nice to her, and to her I am a close friend. The only problem is I find it hard to be around her very often. She is constantly talking about sad or gross things which I am not interested in, and constantly insulting people I really care about. I feel terrible that she doesn't have many friends, but when I am around her I feel like there is a vacuum sucking all of my energy and happiness away. She doesn't know this, because I think it would be really cruel to tell her, and she would probably dismiss it as a joke anyway. This is just really frustrating to me, because she knows when I am home, and calls me to make plans whenever I am home. I don't want to really upset her, but when I am hanging out with her she upsets me! To make matters worse, I have a chronic illness, which is greaty affected by stress, and hanging out with her literally causes me pain. I don't know what to do!!! Please help! Thanks in advance!!!
-- Going Crazy

Dear Crazy:
You must be really crazy if you're letting this miserable bitch waste your time. How can you state that you care for your friends and let this loser insult them? She's affecting your health. WTF is wrong with you?

This girl is a fruitcake (not the one in the pic), but the problem is you, not her, and the sooner you realize this the better off you'll be. These kind of people never change.

You can do this two ways... tell the bitch to leave you alone (recommended) or hear about the time she ate her first booger which wasn't hers... It's your choice.